[Yuuto won't pry. If she wants to talk, then he'd listen. If she needs him to listen, then he will.
So the most he does is offer, though indirectly;]
No matter how many times I watch people die,
or get told to die myself,
or have it attempted,
I don't think I can ever 'be over it.' So I can't imagine how you
[... Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it after all. Yuuto is beginning to feel sick. These are feelings that he shouldn't think about, because he might get sad or bitter. And no one is going to want him if he's not 'good.']
[Can he though? It's entirely selfish, but Yuuto feels himself on the verge of a breakdown just for imagining her pain. Trying to imagine how someone could get over such feelings while his own remain untouched... At least he's alone right now, where no one can see negative emotions on his face.]
I can't imagine how you could be over it.
For me, I
I just don't know what it feels like not to hurt all of the time
[Because for once, Yuuto can't be the friend who patiently worries. He isn't sure if he can keep texting for much longer. He feels his mask slipping and all of the ugly, awful emotions that he doesn't want to feel anymore are creeping up on him.
Inaba was okay, because she wasn't alone.
But he was always alone. It hurts so much to remember that. No one will ever relate to his hardships, no matter how many movies he watches with them or how normal he tries to be.]
[ This... is terrifying to respond to. Not because of his emotions, but because she's scared that she might hurt him more. That she'll say the wrong thing.
But she's told to at least try, and yet-- the idea of even doing that much scares her.
She doesn't want to be abandoned. She doesn't want to be alone again. Those kinds of negative thoughts settle in the back of her mind. But she doesn't like being the scared, fearful Inaba Himeko.
And she knows that people like her more when she's not.
Yet... he was fine with her the way she was, wasn't he?
Maybe she can try. ]
Don't say that.
If you can accept the worst version of myself, then I'll accept the Yuuto that's typing to me. There will always be a place for you. Even if everyone else rejects that, even if the world rejects that... I will not.
You're allowed to be sad, angry, upset, frustrated. You may be a kami, but that doesn't make you any less of a person in my eyes.
Listen.
If you come over, I'll give you an early Christmas present that might help just a little bit.
Hiding your pain and your sorrows will only hurt more in the end. I'd know. I've done the same thing. You've literally seen me do it.
You don't have to trust me. And I won't force you to talk. But you shouldn't have to keep it all bottled in, either. You have many people here that care about you, who will help take on your burdens together with you and are willing to understand you. I'm jealous of that.
So don't say that there isn't a place for you. Don't say that you can't get hurt.
[Yuuto wonders if Inaba realizes that it hurts him more when she says the right thing. It kind of sucks when he remembers that no matter how much she understands and no matter how sincerely she offers him a place to belong, his curse is going to drag him away again.
He’s going to be alone.
But he’s a lonely person. Even when he knows it’ll hurt them both in the end, he’s drawn to her kindness like a moth to flame: He’s fine with catching fire if it means being warm for a while, too. ]
You do have people like that.
I’m jealous too.
[He stares at the screen. It’s hard to be open and honest, but for Inaba… He’ll try.]
No one has ever wanted me.
I go between worlds every few weeks, replacing the ‘Yuuto’ from before. There’s never been anyone to listen to me and it’ll go back to that eventually.
I let myself go numb to it before…
So I really am happy if you’re ‘over it,’ Inaba. I wish I could have that. I’m so scared and cold.
I didn't say this before, because I don't know what the price would be. And I honestly shouldn't be the one to offer it, especially after what I did. Not to mention that I don't exactly like using supernatural methods to help other people.
But I know a person, back in the world I was in, before this. Who could help with dimensional travel. Amongst other things. So that even if you keep going to different worlds...
Maybe someone else can go with you. Um, besides Dimitri.
I can't be that person for you, after all the things I've done. But I can at least provide the resources for you.
It's okay to be scared. There's a lot that's terrifying about all of this. But people are willing to support you. And figure something out.
[Yuuto hesitates. Curled up in a corner with his belt anchoring him to nearby furniture, afraid to be seen or heard as he starts to hiccup- He’s not sure how honest to be with Inaba anymore. There was a time when he trusted her with everything. They can’t go back to that and it hurts.]
I would never wish this loneliness on anyone else.
Dimitri needs to stay here with his new family.
And everyone else
They should stay too.
It changes you to live this way. I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to understand how other people live. I’m always going to be distant from everyone, no matter how much I love them. I’ll age more slowly and seem to live longer, but I’ll never really live. There will never be any impact left by ‘me.’
But the thought of it
When you said before that you would look for me
That made me really happy for a while.
You’ve only ever given me more hope. You’ve made it a lot easier than it was before.
But is that what they want? Everyone should be allowed to choose for themselves.
I had been alone for a long time before I met the CRC. I couldn't trust anyone. Not my family, nor the people at school.
I know that I'm only human. But I'd like to think that I can at least understand what others go through. I knew people who age differently, after all.
But saying that you're going to be distant is already giving up and that pisses me off. You're not going to make any impact? That's quitter's talk! The only way that won't happen is because you're not putting any effort in it!
You shouldn't thank me, though, for things that I said in the past that I feel like I'm no longer worthy of doing. But I'm sure. There will be other who will search for you, no matter what you think of say.
[He doesn't want to respond at first. Yuuto doesn't want to be proven right anymore. It hurts to be right in this case.
But as much as he tries to block out her words and go numb, he can't. He keeps remembering Akutagawa and how many times he has sworn that he'll stay. And even proven that he's serious about being with Yuuto, despite all of his curses and flaws. It doesn't make sense and he'd worried that he was forcing his hopes onto his partner, but hearing Inaba repeat them hits differently. She's more neutral regarding him now, and while that still stings it also helps.
After a few seconds, he lifts his phone to reply.]
You're worthy of doing kind things for people, Inaba. Hurting me doesn't change what you do for other people.
I'm sorry. You're right.
I'm scared of being left again. But that doesn't mean I can't try for a while longer.
Thank you. Even if you don't think you deserve it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I um
Ryoko said that's not what hotels are for
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No, it's not the highlight.
She probably said that because taking your ex to a hotel is weird because of what people do in hotels as couples.
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He has to stare at the message for a long time. It's hard to focus on how much he hates the label 'ex' when he sees what she just admitted above it.]
Inaba
Inaba
[He's not sure what to say. On his side of the message, Yuuto is 'crying' without tears.]
inaba
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I'm fine.
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Inaba
I'm so glad that you're here, but
fine is
I'm sorry. I almost hurt you again.
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[He isn't sure if he believes that she's over it. Though, her previous comment about hating December does worry him even more now.]
Is being over it a good thing?
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[ She's not entirely over it. But then again, it's less her death that she's not over and more the whole experience of it all that she isn't over... ]
It is.
Being able to move on is good.
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So the most he does is offer, though indirectly;]
No matter how many times I watch people die,
or get told to die myself,
or have it attempted,
I don't think I can ever 'be over it.' So I can't imagine how you
[... Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it after all. Yuuto is beginning to feel sick. These are feelings that he shouldn't think about, because he might get sad or bitter. And no one is going to want him if he's not 'good.']
I'm sorry. I'll leave.
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You don't have to leave, either.
You're... allowed to finish that sentence, you know.
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I can't imagine how you could be over it.
For me, I
I just don't know what it feels like not to hurt all of the time
that's not the same.
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I had people I cared about. People who experienced the same hardships that I did.
People who also cared about me. Some of them were eccentric, like Yoshi.
People who I love like Ichigo and Atsushi.
People that I teamed up with--like Karen and Saki.
I probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for people like them.
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[Because for once, Yuuto can't be the friend who patiently worries. He isn't sure if he can keep texting for much longer. He feels his mask slipping and all of the ugly, awful emotions that he doesn't want to feel anymore are creeping up on him.
Inaba was okay, because she wasn't alone.
But he was always alone. It hurts so much to remember that. No one will ever relate to his hardships, no matter how many movies he watches with them or how normal he tries to be.]
Good.
Bye?
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But-
In the end, she fails.
All she can do is type out two words: ]
I'm sorry.
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What are you sorry for?
Inaba
I'm happy
I'm so glad that you have so many wonderful people. Please don't forget that list, okay?
You're so loved. I'm so glad you're okay.
That's nothing to apologize for, right?
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I hurt you again, didn't I? If you're in pain... you shouldn't be hiding it. Please. I don't want that.
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I'm happy. I'm really happy for you, more than I could ever be sad
for me. I'm
[Inaba knows. He can't lie to her. But he doesn't actually know what to do, except to lie to himself and hide his misery.]
I don't want to lie to you. I don't. But I don't know what to do.
If I don't hide it
what do I do with it?
There's never been a place for a sad 'Yumeno Yuuto.'
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But she's told to at least try, and yet-- the idea of even doing that much scares her.
She doesn't want to be abandoned. She doesn't want to be alone again. Those kinds of negative thoughts settle in the back of her mind. But she doesn't like being the scared, fearful Inaba Himeko.
And she knows that people like her more when she's not.
Yet... he was fine with her the way she was, wasn't he?
Maybe she can try. ]
Don't say that.
If you can accept the worst version of myself, then I'll accept the Yuuto that's typing to me. There will always be a place for you. Even if everyone else rejects that, even if the world rejects that... I will not.
You're allowed to be sad, angry, upset, frustrated. You may be a kami, but that doesn't make you any less of a person in my eyes.
Listen.
If you come over, I'll give you an early Christmas present that might help just a little bit.
Hiding your pain and your sorrows will only hurt more in the end. I'd know. I've done the same thing. You've literally seen me do it.
You don't have to trust me. And I won't force you to talk. But you shouldn't have to keep it all bottled in, either. You have many people here that care about you, who will help take on your burdens together with you and are willing to understand you. I'm jealous of that.
So don't say that there isn't a place for you. Don't say that you can't get hurt.
Please.
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He’s going to be alone.
But he’s a lonely person. Even when he knows it’ll hurt them both in the end, he’s drawn to her kindness like a moth to flame: He’s fine with catching fire if it means being warm for a while, too. ]
You do have people like that.
I’m jealous too.
[He stares at the screen. It’s hard to be open and honest, but for Inaba… He’ll try.]
No one has ever wanted me.
I go between worlds every few weeks, replacing the ‘Yuuto’ from before. There’s never been anyone to listen to me and it’ll go back to that eventually.
I let myself go numb to it before…
So I really am happy if you’re ‘over it,’ Inaba. I wish I could have that. I’m so scared and cold.
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I didn't say this before, because I don't know what the price would be. And I honestly shouldn't be the one to offer it, especially after what I did. Not to mention that I don't exactly like using supernatural methods to help other people.
But I know a person, back in the world I was in, before this. Who could help with dimensional travel. Amongst other things. So that even if you keep going to different worlds...
Maybe someone else can go with you. Um, besides Dimitri.
I can't be that person for you, after all the things I've done. But I can at least provide the resources for you.
It's okay to be scared. There's a lot that's terrifying about all of this. But people are willing to support you. And figure something out.
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I would never wish this loneliness on anyone else.
Dimitri needs to stay here with his new family.
And everyone else
They should stay too.
It changes you to live this way. I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to understand how other people live. I’m always going to be distant from everyone, no matter how much I love them. I’ll age more slowly and seem to live longer, but I’ll never really live. There will never be any impact left by ‘me.’
But the thought of it
When you said before that you would look for me
That made me really happy for a while.
You’ve only ever given me more hope. You’ve made it a lot easier than it was before.
Thank you.
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I had been alone for a long time before I met the CRC. I couldn't trust anyone. Not my family, nor the people at school.
I know that I'm only human. But I'd like to think that I can at least understand what others go through. I knew people who age differently, after all.
But saying that you're going to be distant is already giving up and that pisses me off. You're not going to make any impact? That's quitter's talk! The only way that won't happen is because you're not putting any effort in it!
You shouldn't thank me, though, for things that I said in the past that I feel like I'm no longer worthy of doing. But I'm sure. There will be other who will search for you, no matter what you think of say.
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But as much as he tries to block out her words and go numb, he can't. He keeps remembering Akutagawa and how many times he has sworn that he'll stay. And even proven that he's serious about being with Yuuto, despite all of his curses and flaws. It doesn't make sense and he'd worried that he was forcing his hopes onto his partner, but hearing Inaba repeat them hits differently. She's more neutral regarding him now, and while that still stings it also helps.
After a few seconds, he lifts his phone to reply.]
You're worthy of doing kind things for people, Inaba. Hurting me doesn't change what you do for other people.
I'm sorry. You're right.
I'm scared of being left again. But that doesn't mean I can't try for a while longer.
Thank you. Even if you don't think you deserve it.
You help me so much. Thank you.
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I'll kick your ass for every time you think about giving up. That way you'll understand.
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