It's fine, but... [ She hesitates a bit, sounding a little contemplative because she honestly has no idea if she's the right person for this. ] ...do you want to talk about it?
[He opens his mouth and closes it again, uncertain of what to do. Rationally, he knows that talking with Inaba about his issues has helped and could well do so again. Less rationally, he doesn't want to talk about it with anyone because he doesn't want to burden them with his stupid weird problems.
After a long moment of weighing these two conflicting thoughts, he sighs and nods.]
[ If he told asked if she considered it a burden, she would probably say that it isn't one in the slightest bit. But when he tells her to come in, she will do just that and close the door behind her, bowing politely as she enters.
Also taking in what his room looks like, what do we got to see here. ]
[Shirou's room is just an extremely normal hotel room. There are no personal touches whatsoever. It seems like he keeps it very clean and tidy even while stewing in his own angst, so there's very little to indicate that he's been living here for weeks.
He indicates the chair stationed at the desk for her, taking a seat on the bed himself.]
[ Definitely taking a seat on a chair, although when he asks that, she actually frowns a bit. Inaba usually doesn't talk about her memories - she hasn't spoken about any of the ones that she's been receiving ever since she's got here and the discomfort shows there.
Not because of the memory but it's something else entirely different. ]
It wasn't for very long and it's something that happened in the past. I can't really do much about it, but my problems aren't important right now. I assume the reason you're a disaster is because of your memory?
[He hangs his head, staring at the floor with something like shame.
She's right that he is a disaster right now, and it's so unlike him. For over ten years, he never broke down like this - not after the fire, not when Kiritsugu died, not when he lost Saber, not even at the camp. He always managed to hold himself together before, and now...]
Yeah. It is.
[Now he's acting like this just because of a single memory. It's ridiculous.]
Please don't look like that. Everyone handles things differently and I'm just. . . really, really used to possession at this point? And honestly, I got lucky in comparison to probably literally everyone else.
[ Instead of making her upset, that just makes her a little bit angry, her fingers clenching into a tight balled fist for a moment before she has to let out a breath and shake her head to cool herself off. ]
[He's still staring downward, unable to face her.]
It is. But... there was a second where I didn't even think about that. I was just worried that it was the Ren I knew from camp, and then relieved that it wasn't.
How messed up is that? He was still dead, and so were a lot of others, and all I cared about was that my friend was all right.
[ She's quiet for a moment, and while he might not be able to look at her, Inaba can at least face him head on with her own thoughts and opinions on the matter. ]
It's messed up, yeah. But sometimes. . . in fucked up situations like that? You've got to find a silver lining. Dig up the good from all of the bad. [ And right there is when she finds herself smiling a little bitterly. ] That's how I've been managing all these weeks.
Anyway, being relieved that your friend isn't dead isn't a bad thing, Emiya. You shouldn't ever think that. Besides, even if you just thought that in the moment, you're realizing that thought is messed up now, aren't you? That you should have cared that so many people died.
But we're only human. We make mistakes. Sometimes we prioritize certain people over others and sometimes we'd rather not think about the terrible shit in order to cope.
I know all that. And... if it was just that one thing, I'd be okay with it.
But I'm scared that I'll stop caring. Because... it gets easier. To just do what's necessary and throw aside everything else. To keep going even when people are hurt, and then to stop caring altogether. To only follow the greater good.
I think if I keep doing this, I'm going to end up becoming Archer.
[ And this is where Inaba has to force in a deep breath, to compose herself as she listens to all of this and just doesn't say anything as she moves from her initial seat to just go to where he is and pull him into a hug.
She's pretty sure that no words can convey everything entirely well, but an attempt sure is going to be made regardless. ]
It's okay to be scared of that sort of thing. But if you're scared of it now. . . I believe that you won't stop caring about people. About those that you really care about. Even if it gets easier, because of the fact that you're aware of it. I don't know what it's like myself, so what I can say probably won't mean much. But this is all I can do, really.
[ Being held tight like this... is both a comfort (and she has to actually catch herself for a second when she thinks that) and also very worrying. But she doesn't let go of him. ]
It's okay if you are, you know. Sometimes you have to take some time for yourself, and that's not a bad thing. Nobody will blame you for it.
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No, wait. It's the other way around.
So the Shirou who answers the door is a very tired and unwell looking Shirou, whoops.]
...What is it?
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[ Inaba looks better than he does even though she does look a bit disheveled herself. ]
I mean. No offense, but. Are you okay?
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[He runs a hand through his hair in an attempt to straighten it up a bit. It doesn't do much.]
I've just been thinking about a lot of stuff, and... not cleaning up enough, I guess.
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After a long moment of weighing these two conflicting thoughts, he sighs and nods.]
...Come on in.
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Also taking in what his room looks like, what do we got to see here. ]
Thanks. Where should I sit?
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He indicates the chair stationed at the desk for her, taking a seat on the bed himself.]
...What kind of memory did you get this week?
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Not because of the memory but it's something else entirely different. ]
Mine dealt with. . . possession.
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[Whatever answer he was expecting, that was clearly not it.]
...Are you okay?
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[ She seems to be sounding a bit... nonchalant about it? Hm. ]
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She's right that he is a disaster right now, and it's so unlike him. For over ten years, he never broke down like this - not after the fire, not when Kiritsugu died, not when he lost Saber, not even at the camp. He always managed to hold himself together before, and now...]
Yeah. It is.
[Now he's acting like this just because of a single memory. It's ridiculous.]
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[...]
Please don't look like that. Everyone handles things differently and I'm just. . . really, really used to possession at this point? And honestly, I got lucky in comparison to probably literally everyone else.
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[ A pause of hesitation as she taps her chin inquisitively: ]
Did it deal with other people?
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Yeah. I saw... well, I think a lot of people died. But the only one I saw in that particular memory was Akira. Another version of him.
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[ Instead of making her upset, that just makes her a little bit angry, her fingers clenching into a tight balled fist for a moment before she has to let out a breath and shake her head to cool herself off. ]
A lot of people dying is still bullshit, though.
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It is. But... there was a second where I didn't even think about that. I was just worried that it was the Ren I knew from camp, and then relieved that it wasn't.
How messed up is that? He was still dead, and so were a lot of others, and all I cared about was that my friend was all right.
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[ She's quiet for a moment, and while he might not be able to look at her, Inaba can at least face him head on with her own thoughts and opinions on the matter. ]
It's messed up, yeah. But sometimes. . . in fucked up situations like that? You've got to find a silver lining. Dig up the good from all of the bad. [ And right there is when she finds herself smiling a little bitterly. ] That's how I've been managing all these weeks.
Anyway, being relieved that your friend isn't dead isn't a bad thing, Emiya. You shouldn't ever think that. Besides, even if you just thought that in the moment, you're realizing that thought is messed up now, aren't you? That you should have cared that so many people died.
But we're only human. We make mistakes. Sometimes we prioritize certain people over others and sometimes we'd rather not think about the terrible shit in order to cope.
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But I'm scared that I'll stop caring. Because... it gets easier. To just do what's necessary and throw aside everything else. To keep going even when people are hurt, and then to stop caring altogether. To only follow the greater good.
I think if I keep doing this, I'm going to end up becoming Archer.
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She's pretty sure that no words can convey everything entirely well, but an attempt sure is going to be made regardless. ]
It's okay to be scared of that sort of thing. But if you're scared of it now. . . I believe that you won't stop caring about people. About those that you really care about. Even if it gets easier, because of the fact that you're aware of it. I don't know what it's like myself, so what I can say probably won't mean much. But this is all I can do, really.
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I don't know why I'm handling this so badly. I should be out there helping everyone figure things out instead of hiding in here.
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It's okay if you are, you know. Sometimes you have to take some time for yourself, and that's not a bad thing. Nobody will blame you for it.
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[don't deserve that, he doesn't say, because that's not the kind of thing you're supposed to say.]
...Anyway, thank you. Maybe now that I've talked about it, I can get a hold of myself.
[That's how it works, right? You talk about your problems and then you feel better?]
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