[He's expecting that kind of a response, honestly. Anyone would be scared of a superpowered mafia member with hands covered in the blood of others. Still, he can't help but feel his heart sink a bit as he hears Inaba's reaction.
He braces himself for the 'you need to leave', but that never comes. Instead, it's a rather surprising question. Of course he wouldn't hurt her, she's been nothing but kind to him. But to make a promise of 'I won't kill you or your friends' feels like false reassurances, especially when he knows that if a certain man ordered it he might actually comply with said orders.]
I don't like killing. I'm afraid of death, and I don't want others to feel that fear either.
[He's deliberately avoiding the question. Dazai's shadow still casts darkness on his very soul.]
[ Maybe if she was being rational, she would push him out. After all, having a mafia member that has killed other people is dangerous, not to mention --
It doesn't fit with her ideals.
She definitely has a sense of right or wrong; the concept of someone using 'power' - especially a supernatural one to hurt others, to gain footing to become stronger just doesn't sit right with her. It honestly makes her feel ill, given how much work and effort she's tried to put into figuring things out, into becoming the kind of person she is today.
And even now, she needs to become stronger...
Not just in the physical sense.
A part of her hoped he'd give her a proper answer, but when it doesn't come and she's instead given something vague, she immediately understands why. Sometimes she wishes she were more of an idiot. That way, she wouldn't read so much into his words, connect the dots so easily. ]
I see.
[ There's just something about the way that she says those two words that make her heart sink.
She doesn't want to believe it, she doesn't want to hear it, and yet- ]
You're so. . . tied down to that person that if he said 'jump' you'd ask 'how high', huh?
[ -she says those words anyway with a trembling, almost watery voice. Her gaze shifts away from him, eyes lowered, completely ashamed that she even voiced that thought. ]
[It's painful to admit to, but it's the truth. And given that Inaba is so perceptive, lying won't help here at all. It's a difficult conversation, but it needs to happen.
He can't even look at her right now, instead choosing to turn his gaze down to his hands. The hands that have killed so many people, all for the sake of one person.]
A month of freedom isn't enough to forget a lifetime of conditioning.
[Will he ever be truly free? He doesn't know. He wants to believe that he will be, someday, but it's possible he will always be bound by his past.
And then there's the other, even more painful thing he needs to say.]
If...if you don't feel safe with me around, I'll understand. I can find somewhere else to live.
[This was Inaba's apartment first, after all. If she doesn't want him there anymore, he will leave.]
[ ... "A month of freedom isn't enough to forget a lifetime of conditioning."
Those words almost make something in her snap, to the point where she feels like someone's just took a knife and stabbed her between her ribs. The fact that he actually admitted that so easily makes her want to cry.
But she forces the tears down, even if there's still an obviously stunned look in her face.
Her mouth opens and the flurry of words in her head that tempt to come out just done come. It's too painful to say all of it. Any of it. ]
[ If he listens closely enough, he'll hear the small, soft muttering of "I'm sorry," as if she's apologizing to someone-- but there's something distant to it. As if it's not directed at Atsushi at all whatsoever.
Biting her lower lip, her gaze falls, conflicted.
But then she reaches out to him, to see if he'll even let her latch onto his arms. ]
Don't go.
[ Her words are watery and pleading.
Please, don't leave me alone again, are the silent words she doesn't say aloud. ]
[Once again, Atsushi is left speechless. He can tell she's afraid, but is she afraid of him or afraid of being alone?
He does let her latch on to his arm, though, and he doesn't pull away.]
...okay. I'll stay.
[Maybe her opinion will change later, when she finds a better roommate than him. The anticipation of that moment hurts, but he will bear it. All good things end eventually, after all. He'll try not to think of that future when he's eventually kicked out. ]
[ There's a sense of relief that runs through her; even though she might be afraid of him potentially hurting her if it really comes down to that, she doesn't want to be alone. She really doesn't.
It's stupid, really stupid, but-- ]
I'm going to help you, Atsushi.
[ There's something firm about the words that she speaks, as if she's determined to make him stay. After all, he had said it before, didn't he?
[If Inaba is stupid for wanting Atsushi to stay, then Atsushi is stupid for wanting to stay as well. And even though he thinks his problems are too big to overcome and that he will end up being a disappointment in the end, he wants to believe that he can be helped. Even if it's just for a little bit, he wants to believe that.]
I'll stay. And if you can help, then I'll accept it.
[ She knows that it will take time. Someone who's been through so much doesn't get it over with in one second, or even a day. Inaba knows that all too well, given that she has friends with quite a bit of trauma.
A hand wraps around her pendant as if it would give her some sort of answer, but she knows nothing is as simple as that. ]
[ Her blush darkens and even reaches to the tips of her ears, her gaze shifting slightly away from him. Thankfully, she understands what he means by those words. ]
What are you gonna say, [ She mimes a phone and shifts her pitch to sound more like Atsushi: ] "hey, other me, do you want to tag team and fuck someone together, because I think that would be fun."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He braces himself for the 'you need to leave', but that never comes. Instead, it's a rather surprising question. Of course he wouldn't hurt her, she's been nothing but kind to him. But to make a promise of 'I won't kill you or your friends' feels like false reassurances, especially when he knows that if a certain man ordered it he might actually comply with said orders.]
I don't like killing. I'm afraid of death, and I don't want others to feel that fear either.
[He's deliberately avoiding the question. Dazai's shadow still casts darkness on his very soul.]
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It doesn't fit with her ideals.
She definitely has a sense of right or wrong; the concept of someone using 'power' - especially a supernatural one to hurt others, to gain footing to become stronger just doesn't sit right with her. It honestly makes her feel ill, given how much work and effort she's tried to put into figuring things out, into becoming the kind of person she is today.
And even now, she needs to become stronger...
Not just in the physical sense.
A part of her hoped he'd give her a proper answer, but when it doesn't come and she's instead given something vague, she immediately understands why. Sometimes she wishes she were more of an idiot. That way, she wouldn't read so much into his words, connect the dots so easily. ]
I see.
[ There's just something about the way that she says those two words that make her heart sink.
She doesn't want to believe it, she doesn't want to hear it, and yet- ]
You're so. . . tied down to that person that if he said 'jump' you'd ask 'how high', huh?
[ -she says those words anyway with a trembling, almost watery voice. Her gaze shifts away from him, eyes lowered, completely ashamed that she even voiced that thought. ]
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[It's painful to admit to, but it's the truth. And given that Inaba is so perceptive, lying won't help here at all. It's a difficult conversation, but it needs to happen.
He can't even look at her right now, instead choosing to turn his gaze down to his hands. The hands that have killed so many people, all for the sake of one person.]
A month of freedom isn't enough to forget a lifetime of conditioning.
[Will he ever be truly free? He doesn't know. He wants to believe that he will be, someday, but it's possible he will always be bound by his past.
And then there's the other, even more painful thing he needs to say.]
If...if you don't feel safe with me around, I'll understand. I can find somewhere else to live.
[This was Inaba's apartment first, after all. If she doesn't want him there anymore, he will leave.]
1 / 2
Those words almost make something in her snap, to the point where she feels like someone's just took a knife and stabbed her between her ribs. The fact that he actually admitted that so easily makes her want to cry.
But she forces the tears down, even if there's still an obviously stunned look in her face.
Her mouth opens and the flurry of words in her head that tempt to come out just done come. It's too painful to say all of it. Any of it. ]
2 / 2
Biting her lower lip, her gaze falls, conflicted.
But then she reaches out to him, to see if he'll even let her latch onto his arms. ]
Don't go.
[ Her words are watery and pleading.
Please, don't leave me alone again, are the silent words she doesn't say aloud. ]
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He does let her latch on to his arm, though, and he doesn't pull away.]
...okay. I'll stay.
[Maybe her opinion will change later, when she finds a better roommate than him. The anticipation of that moment hurts, but he will bear it. All good things end eventually, after all. He'll try not to think of that future when he's eventually kicked out. ]
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It's stupid, really stupid, but-- ]
I'm going to help you, Atsushi.
[ There's something firm about the words that she speaks, as if she's determined to make him stay. After all, he had said it before, didn't he?
That he wanted to be a good person. ]
So I don't want you to leave.
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I'll stay. And if you can help, then I'll accept it.
[He wants to believe that he can become better.]
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A hand wraps around her pendant as if it would give her some sort of answer, but she knows nothing is as simple as that. ]
I'll do my best. I promise. Okay?
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[He's not promising to be perfect, or to get it right all the time. But he's going to try, and if he messes up then he'll just keep trying.]
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[ It is, however, just a rhetorical question, hence why she claps her hands and continues. ]
Anyway, that's enough of the serious question and answer hour— ah, unless you wanted to ask me anything else.
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Maybe we should have a silly question each now, to lighten the mood.
nsfw talk i'm so sorry
[ taps her chin inquisitively ]
So would you have sex with your other self?
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[WELL. UM.]
D-depending on your definition of 'sex', I may have already done it?
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Oh? Did you enjoy it?
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[ Mostly because that sort of thing is private, she feels. ]
Anyway, your turn now.
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What about you? Do you want to do it with the other Atsushi? Is that why you asked me?
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That's— It's not why I asked, but... yes?
[ Her 'yes' comes off as a bit of a squeak. ]
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...
A-at the same time?
[As him, he means.]
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I've. . . thought about it.
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That's-
Do you think he'd be okay with it?
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