scp r4 ♥ dazai catch-all

[dereban]

[ blanket cw for suicidal ideation ]

Comments

[guileturncoat]

[He's just going to squish them more!]

Stop all of this! You're a beautiful, charming lady with people who care about you, and this talk you have just crushes their souls bit by bit! Normally I would tell you that self-pity will make your life a nightmare, but it makes other people's lives a nightmare too!

[dereban]

. . .

[ She stops for a moment, her voice dropping into something self-derisive. ]

"Do not pity yourself. If you wallow in self-pity; life will be an endless nightmare."

[ And that's when Inaba laughs yet again. ]

Ha. But. . . I didn't think you of all people would call me 'beautiful and charming'.

[ There's a definite emphasis on 'you' there. ]

[guileturncoat]

You've wooed several people, so you must have some level of beauty and charm.

[Wow.

He'll let go of her face now too.]

[dereban]

Then don't say something like that, you idiot.

[ She mutters those words under her breath, swapping to Japanese in annoyance. ]

[guileturncoat]

Who's the idiot here, exactly?

[He keeps talking in English, but it's clear that he understands everything Inaba just said.]

[dereban]

You are.

[ And that's when she laughs, something bitter in her voice. ]

And admittedly, I am, too.

[ But then she gives him a serious look, opens her mouth as if to ask him something—

And then she falters, shaking her head. ]

[guileturncoat]

Good! I don't want to be the only idiot here.

[And if she doesn't pull away, he'll reach up to ruffle her hair as he laughs.]

[dereban]

You shouldn't say that as if it's a good thing, you know.

[ She doesn't pull away, but there's an audible sound of relief in her voice that he didn't ask her what she wanted to ask him. ]

[guileturncoat]

There's the pessimism again~

[dereban]

It's not like that, stupid! Idiot! I don't want to be seen as a moron!

[ She is absolutely flushing out of embarrassment now. ]

[guileturncoat]

[Oh look, Dazai is turning thoughtful now.]

Ahh, I suppose you wouldn't want to. You're pretty bright, after all.

But it's not an insult to your intelligence, you know. Even the smartest person can act dumb sometimes.

[dereban]

[ ...? ]

I suppose that's true. And sometimes playing dumb is a smart move.

[guileturncoat]

Indeed, it is.

[SMILE SMILE]

So! Want to tell me what's on your mind?

[dereban]

If I do, I might hurt someone. But I suppose sometimes you have to hurt others in order to move forward.

Yet, I don't want to hurt him anymore if I'm right.

[guileturncoat]

You don't want to hurt me if you're right.

[Let's not beat around the bush, Inaba.]

[dereban]

Do you still want me to ask?

Because I will.

[guileturncoat]

I wouldn't have said anything if I didn't want you to ask.

[dereban]

I suppose that's true.

[ She sighs, shaking her head to give herself some clarity and then asks, her voice serious, but soft - fragile. ]

Hey, are you really the person that you say you are?

[guileturncoat]

[Ah.]

Of course I am. Where is that question coming from?

[dereban]

A bunch of reasons. Maybe I'm over thinking, but — you act a little off from what anyone expects from Dazai.

Your voice sounded a little different when you were singing and your hair felt weird in spite of the fact that you used shampoo. I could probably list more, but.

You've been acting afraid, a coward. Someone who doesn't want to get close to anyone. To be honest, I thought it was just simply because of the death thing and honestly, it might just be that. Yet, it could be something else entirely, too.

But the really telling thing. . . Was that conversation we had the other day. I told you that you can act 'like your real self', right? But you still hesitated.

And that got me to thinking. Why? What's the point, if there aren't any cameras? If nobody is watching?

. . . Then I realized. There is still one person watching, isn't there? Someone who still expects you to act like 'someone'. When someone comes in here, they expect to speak with "the real Dazai Osamu".

So, that brings me back to my question once again. Are you really Dazai? Prove me wrong entirely.

[guileturncoat]

...

[Honestly, he had expected Atsushi to speak up first. But given Inaba's relation to the other Atsushi, maybe he shouldn't have been surprised.

Still, he's quiet for a moment as he considers his words. He has to speak very carefully.]

Let me ask you this: you know two versions of Atsushi-kun. Which one is really 'Atsushi-kun'?

[dereban]

That's an asshole play and you know it.

[ Her words are dark and a little bitter. There's a reason why she didn't want to ask this question to begin with, and it wasn't simply to avoid hurting Dazai.

She didn't want Atsushi in particular to get hurt by it. ]

There's no "really" in that statement. Neither of them are fake. Neither of them are pretending to be 'Nakajima Atsushi'. They're both separate people who share the same name but have lived very different lives.

So? What's your point in asking me this?

[guileturncoat]

Maa, you really are dense, aren't you? I thought you could keep up with me. But it's fine, I will clarify.

If there can be more than one 'real' Atsushi-kun, then there can be more than one 'real' Dazai.

[dereban]

[ . . . And that's when her eyes widen in shock.

She hadn't even considered that as a possibility. And more importantly, it wasn't that she was dense-- she had thought that he was asking that question to test her, or something.

But then she can feel her heart almost stop and she takes a few steps forward and attempts to grab him by the collar. ]

Then let me amend my question, if you're telling the truth. If you're a different 'Dazai' then I expected. Which one are you?

[guileturncoat]

[He lets himself be grabbed, because he's not particularly worried about her hurting him. If that's what makes her feel better, then he'll allow it.]

Not one you would have read about in a book, or would have seen on tv.