Sorry, but his response is actually not a good one when it comes to her. ]
So you're saying that it doesn't matter where the soul is? That the body isn't important? Basically, it's like saying 'it doesn't matter what I look like' because you will still be you.
Maybe you can handle that but I can't. You really don't know anything about me, do you? You saved my life and I'm grateful for that, but I would have accepted dying with open arms because then- finally- I could have gone back home, to my real body, in my own home world.
Self-doubt and body image issues don't make you a bad person. In fact, they make you a good person, because despite how shitty you must feel you're still a kind person who has been taking care of everyone here. Someone who struggles with personal flaws like that and still manages to be kind is pretty admirable, you know?
[ Just give her a moment because she's just going to tear up the moment he actually says that. ]
It's not. . . like that. . . you know? I try so hard, but I'm not good at trying to do this 'taking care of the others'- not when I have so many fucking problems, [ her voice shakes and her shoulders are trembling ] not when I don't know if I can even trust anybody. You'd still think that I'm good in spite of that?
Of course! I mean, sure, what you do matters. But why you're doing it matters just as much too. Do you have any idea how many people in this world don't actually give a shit about anything? How many turn a blind eye to things just because it would inconvenience them? Even if you have problems, you still try. And that puts you way above most people.
so very kind and she hates feeling her heart twisting like this because it's just so unexpected for her - for anyone to say that to her at all when they find out the truth about her, and how she really is. because it feels like she just proverbially smashed her own mask open to somebody, finally.
maybe that's what makes the dam burst and the waterworks fall down the side of her face until she brings a sleeve across her eyes because she feels so weak in that moment and she just.
she hates showing that to someone at all, even more so to him ]
. . . Sorry. Sorry, sorry. [ god, she wants to apologize so much more times because her self worth is absolute garbage when it comes to this. ] But I used to be like that, too. I ignored everyone because I was afraid that they'd backstab me. Because I couldn't trust anyone. And I get so scared when I open up, when I want to trust someone because then I think 'maybe this is a mistake again' or 'maybe if I tell someone my problems, they'll kill me again'.
Things like that.
It's why I get so uncertain when someone decides to consider me as a friend or as something more or anything kind because I just don't fucking deserve it. I'm a monster, if anything! I just want to be seen as a good person so that nobody will throw me away or abandon me! And I'm willing to throw away everything for that!
Even if you used to be like that, you're not like that now. You've grown and changed, and that makes a huge difference.
[He's going to risk bridging the gap between them now, so that he can use his thumb to wipe the tears off of her cheeks.]
Even if you get scared, even if you sometimes think like you used to, it's okay. Everyone gets scared sometimes, and growth isn't linear. But as long as you're trying to be the best 'you' that you can be, it's alright.
[ she's not going to stop him from doing so, although she sure will be quite surprised at the gesture for a multitude of reasons.
one of them being that it's definitely a kind one.
it isn't one that someone so terrible would actually do. she laughs under her breath and sniffles a bit, shaking her head as if that would give her any sort of clarity. ]
. . . Thank you. [ she sports a small, genuine smile at him; still teary-eyed, but there's something there that shows more. ] Hearing that means a lot to me.
[ she laughs ]
I didn't think you of all people would be giving me advice, though.
Why are you like this. She will wipe her face with a sleeve before frowning, clearly embarrassed before turning on her heel and leaving. she's not letting anyone see her like that, not even for that sort of reason!! ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
also cw suicidal ideation because.... ofc
[ Her voice suddenly turns ice cold.
Sorry, but his response is actually not a good one when it comes to her. ]
So you're saying that it doesn't matter where the soul is? That the body isn't important? Basically, it's like saying 'it doesn't matter what I look like' because you will still be you.
Maybe you can handle that but I can't. You really don't know anything about me, do you? You saved my life and I'm grateful for that, but I would have accepted dying with open arms because then- finally- I could have gone back home, to my real body, in my own home world.
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Um. That sounds like some pretty serious body dysmorphia right there.
[He thought she just had self esteem issues, not that it was this bad.]
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That's just what happens when you constantly get your soul shoved around in different bodies for a whole month.
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[He looks away uncomfortably at that.]
You need help. With that.
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[ She admits that pretty easily, although she can't help but sigh, her shoulders sagging. ]
Sorry, I'm just dragging my own problems onto you.
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[ Her voice cracks in a way that almost seems that she's about to cry. ]
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[ Just give her a moment because she's just going to tear up the moment he actually says that. ]
It's not. . . like that. . . you know? I try so hard, but I'm not good at trying to do this 'taking care of the others'- not when I have so many fucking problems, [ her voice shakes and her shoulders are trembling ] not when I don't know if I can even trust anybody. You'd still think that I'm good in spite of that?
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so very kind and she hates feeling her heart twisting like this because it's just so unexpected for her - for anyone to say that to her at all when they find out the truth about her, and how she really is. because it feels like she just proverbially smashed her own mask open to somebody, finally.
maybe that's what makes the dam burst and the waterworks fall down the side of her face until she brings a sleeve across her eyes because she feels so weak in that moment and she just.
she hates showing that to someone at all, even more so to him ]
. . . Sorry. Sorry, sorry. [ god, she wants to apologize so much more times because her self worth is absolute garbage when it comes to this. ] But I used to be like that, too. I ignored everyone because I was afraid that they'd backstab me. Because I couldn't trust anyone. And I get so scared when I open up, when I want to trust someone because then I think 'maybe this is a mistake again' or 'maybe if I tell someone my problems, they'll kill me again'.
Things like that.
It's why I get so uncertain when someone decides to consider me as a friend or as something more or anything kind because I just don't fucking deserve it. I'm a monster, if anything! I just want to be seen as a good person so that nobody will throw me away or abandon me! And I'm willing to throw away everything for that!
[ including her 'happiness'.
she just doesn't want to be alone. ]
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[He's going to risk bridging the gap between them now, so that he can use his thumb to wipe the tears off of her cheeks.]
Even if you get scared, even if you sometimes think like you used to, it's okay. Everyone gets scared sometimes, and growth isn't linear. But as long as you're trying to be the best 'you' that you can be, it's alright.
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one of them being that it's definitely a kind one.
it isn't one that someone so terrible would actually do. she laughs under her breath and sniffles a bit, shaking her head as if that would give her any sort of clarity. ]
. . . Thank you. [ she sports a small, genuine smile at him; still teary-eyed, but there's something there that shows more. ] Hearing that means a lot to me.
[ she laughs ]
I didn't think you of all people would be giving me advice, though.
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[He sounds a touch back-talk-y, but he's not actually annoyed or anything.]
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[ says the club vice president who actually acts like a leader back home ]
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[ she has so much of it and she's laughing at him because of it. ]
Anyway, I probably should get going. It's getting late, after all.
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[ opens mouth
closes mouth
Why are you like this. She will wipe her face with a sleeve before frowning, clearly embarrassed before turning on her heel and leaving. she's not letting anyone see her like that, not even for that sort of reason!! ]