[Dazai nods in response to that question. Yes, taking his mind off of the trauma from today would be pretty great. He probably will have trouble sleeping tonight, but that is far enough away to not think about right now.]
Can you talk?
[Because he thinks his voice will betray himself right now. Plus Inaba has always been a talker, she can fill the dead air much better than he can right now.]
late series kokoro connect spoilers past the anime ig
[ she cracks a smile, hoping that he gets her terrible, terrible joke. please banish her from the office forever. ]
. . .kidding. Just kidding. [ but she thought some levity after what's happened might help. her smile softens a little. ] Yeah, if you don't want to talk, I can. I don't know if I have anything happy that I can talk about, though. A lot of my time here in this world is kind of depressing and fucked up my mindset, and some of the shit back home isn't. . . Well. I guess you could say it isn't normal. Or rather, home pretended that everything was normal for the longest time. I lived in a world for fifteen years where I thought supernatural crap was just impossible.
And I even thought that what happened to me, back home was kind of a one time thing by some weird creature. . . But that wasn't the case. The whole world just- never knew. They were blind to all of the supernatural stuff going on because every time something would occur, everyone would have their memories wiped of it.
But somehow, I never forgot what happened even though I was supposed to.
I guess you could say it was strange, in that sense.
[Okay, that? Gets the barest of a smile from him. It looks like his humor centers aren't entirely broken yet.
But eventually, that smile fades, and is replaced by a sad look.]
I thought the same thing, for the longest time. They don't tell normal people about 'the Foundation'. Up until I was in middle school, I didn't have any powers or any trouble in the world. It wasn't until later, when I actually joined the Foundation, that I saw it differently.
. . . for a minimum amount of success, anyway. although she does see the sad look that he makes and she just squeezes his hands again. she's here. she's listening. ]
Yeah, that-
[ it's kind of surprising, in a lot of ways just how she can actually relate to him. and even more than that. it's terrifying just how similar her world is to the Foundation's. not entirely, but. . . god, is it.
but she tries not to show it in her face, instead trying to keep her expression neutral as she speaks, her tone even. ]
It was the same for me, in some ways. You just live a normal, happy, blissful life, unaware of what's going on. Not. . . that I consider myself as having a 'blissful' life to begin with, but for me it was just uneventful. I didn't have any tragic backstory or anything like my friends did.
I was just normal. Ordinary. No powers whatsoever. [ she smiles a little bitterly. ] And yet, the younger me was always scared of something. Always doubtful. I never trusted anyone. . . for the longest time.
[ not even herself.
that especially included herself. ]
It just basically was the way I was, you know.
[ she laughs a little bitterly, shaking her head. ]
Corrupt. Broken. There's so much wrong with this world, and the people with the power to do anything about it just make it worse. I don't think the O5s actually care about the whole 'protect' part of 'secure, contain, protect'. It's all nepotism at the top, did you know that? You have to know the right person and be present at just the right time to get the right rank to even try to do anything about this world.
...sending all of you home might be kinder. You don't deserve the mess that this world has become. But nobody actually wants to focus on finding a real way to get you guys home, besides 'kill them off and let their souls sort out where to go'. I'm sure we could do it if we tried, there's already multiple ways to travel to other dimensions. They just need to be fine-tuned to go to specific dimensions.
[But nobody at the top wants that to happen, so it won't.]
You know, it's kind of funny. The guy who brought me into the Foundation was pretty high up there. I don't know if he was an O5 or just an A-rank or whatever, but he's pretty powerful within the Foundation. And when we first met, I thought he was a pretty decent guy. But after years and years of seeing what the Foundation is, I...I think I was wrong about him. I think he might be just as corrupt as the rest.
and that's why she can't help but sigh, her shoulders sagging, lips forming a thin line. ]
Honestly? I'm not even fucking surprised at all. I haven't even been here as long as some of the others, and well? Nobody seems to fucking care that some of us - some of the '6350s' can't handle being on the front lines, can't handle being fucking cannon fodder.
[ she's talking about herself, of course. it just seems unfair.
...
she shakes her head at the mention of 'sending everyone home'. she doesn't know about the whole memory loss aspect of it because nobody fucking told her, but-- ]
I almost made that decision once. Staying dead and. . . you know, going back.
[ she couldn't take the dysphoria of 'being in a new body' and she wanted so desperately to go back home. since she's still holding onto his hands, now he'll be able to tell that, well.
in spite of the calmness in her voice?
her hands are trembling in his own. ]
That was a choice I could make. I knew that, so that's why whenever I had a chance, I always--
[ --volunteered for the games.
that's why he really didn't have to save her. because she knew that even if she died and nobody rescued her soul, she'd be fine. she'd just go back home. ]
I don't really want to die, though. He'd probably become a mess if I did. And that's. . . honestly unfair to him. But I didn't choose to come back for myself. I chose to come back for them.
[ that's.
not the first time that she's admitted it, but it's probably the first time that she's said it properly, without hesitation. ]
More so than that, I wouldn't be able to see any of the people I love and care about if I went back. Nobody else here is from my world. [ her voice shudders a bit. ] I'd never be able to see them again. Not to mention that I live in a place where I'd be reminded of him everywhere I went.
[ she's from yokohama too, after all.
her voice shudders then. but it manages to even out, because she can stop talking about herself and go back to focusing on him a bit. ]
Can you. . . talk to me a little bit more about him? Maybe a little more specific about what he's like, things he said to you. Having another person's opinion might be a good insight on things.
[That first bit is exactly what Dazai had expected, but hearing it said seems to make it more real. He knows that what's being done to people like Inaba is unfair, and he wants to change it. And in a way, hearing those fears and pain help strengthen Dazai's resolve. Why is he acting so broken up over killing one person when everyone else has had to make it through so much more? He needs to toughen up, clearly.]
I don't really know that much about him. He didn't train me, his rank was too high for that. He just brought me to the Foundation.
I do remember one thing, though. He was...weird, sometimes. Like sometimes it was him I was talking to, and other times it was an entirely different 'him.' Like a split personality maybe? But both 'personalities' knew who I was.
I guess he could have just been messing with me, though. You gotta be some kind of fucked up to run this organization.
[ to be honest, if he voiced rose thoughts of his? she would express that his feelings are in no way invalid. that it's fine to feel so torn up about it all when he's clearly never had to do something like this before.
he's older than her, certainly, but he's still young.
nobody that young should have to deal with this crap. and even if Inaba might be one of the youngest people in their group, that doesn't change her feelings on the matter. she listens to him carefully with clear intent, nodding. ]
People have a lot of masks.
[ a quiet, calm answer. ]
Sometimes people present themselves in a certain way for certain situations. One of my friends was like that.
[ from back home, specifically. ]
She always wore so many masks because she didn't know what kind of person was the real 'her'. She always had to put on an act, pretend to be perfect to match the people around her. To be honest, that kind of thing is. . . admittedly a little terrifying.
It's why when our souls kept on swapping between our bodies - between the five of us, I was worried that she might break.
[ actually, she—
this is a good way to segue into the thing that she really wants to talk to him about. ]
And I'm worried you're hitting that breaking point, too. Your mask as 'Dazai' is obviously cracking and I get it. Having to constantly pretend to be someone you're not day in and day out is exhausting.
I know that better than anyone else here.
It puts a lot of pressure on you because so many people expect you to act in a certain way.
That's why. . . I don't know if you'll let me. But let me help you. With two things. The first being that I want to help repair the mask of 'Dazai'. The second being that — I know you said they'll probably bug this room next week, so I want you to meet me in places that are safe from either the cameras or the mics.
You'll lose your mind if you aren't allowed to be yourself even faster than you are now.
I can't do much else, so this is all I can offer. To be honest, a part of me wishes we could just swap places sometimes.
[ she laughs bitterly, just a little. ]
You'd probably have an easier time being me than being Dazai. And I wouldn't mind playing Dazai's role. I can pull it off.
[It's a lot to take in, and Dazai is quiet for a long time as he mulls over her words. She isn't wrong necessarily, but it's hard to accept help just like that. Especially when that help is coming from someone who might die suddenly. Where will he be then?
Then again, if he doesn't survive that long then it will be worse...]
I just mean that I want to help you be more like 'Dazai' in front of the cameras. If I can notice that you're slipping. . . I'm sure other people might be able to as well. Your acting is falling apart, you know.
[ she speaks those words calmly with no inflection to them, but the gaze in her eyes tells another story entirely.
Inaba's worried. ]
I don't want you to die.
[ there's something genuine in those words; that single sentence. ]
I don't want a repeat of things that happened before to happen to you just because of a slip up. I feel like more of 'yourself' has been coming out recently, and that's dangerous.
[ ... ]
But I also don't want you to fall apart because you had to act like Dazai consistently all the time. I. . . understand what that's like, to have to pretend to be someone you're not. That's why I wanted to apologize to you, before. Because I put so much unnecessary pressure on you.
Even if it was understandable.
Because you didn't trust me.
[ she laughs a little hollowly, her gaze flitting downwards as she mutters almost nearly under her breath: ]
Why would anyone? I don't even trust myself. Sorry, I'm rambling, aren't I? I just want to help you. It's not for entirely unselfish reasons, though. I just think that having you around is my personal best bet in making it out here alive.
[Dazai does plan on keeping them all alive, after all. Or, well...bringing back the ones who died. But if they're all alive in the end then that's what matters, right?]
...but thank you. I'm not sure where we could talk about such things, but I'll listen to your help.
her mouth parts slightly at all of what he says, before she wears a soft, warm smile. ]
I don't know how much I can help. But I'm always willing to drag you out of here to find that place. I really want to. And if there's anything you want to ask me, I'm willing to answer as much as I can on my end.
[Dazai hesitates for a moment, but ultimately decides to give Inaba a little bit of trust here.]
If something happens to me, take my laptop with you when you run. There's a lot of programs and information on it that'll be useful to you. The password to get onto it is my name.
And if that somehow gets destroyed, there's a flash drive hidden in the liquor bottle cabinet that has the information on it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Can you talk?
[Because he thinks his voice will betray himself right now. Plus Inaba has always been a talker, she can fill the dead air much better than he can right now.]
late series kokoro connect spoilers past the anime ig
[ she cracks a smile, hoping that he gets her terrible, terrible joke. please banish her from the office forever. ]
. . .kidding. Just kidding. [ but she thought some levity after what's happened might help. her smile softens a little. ] Yeah, if you don't want to talk, I can. I don't know if I have anything happy that I can talk about, though. A lot of my time here in this world is kind of depressing and fucked up my mindset, and some of the shit back home isn't. . . Well. I guess you could say it isn't normal. Or rather, home pretended that everything was normal for the longest time. I lived in a world for fifteen years where I thought supernatural crap was just impossible.
And I even thought that what happened to me, back home was kind of a one time thing by some weird creature. . . But that wasn't the case. The whole world just- never knew. They were blind to all of the supernatural stuff going on because every time something would occur, everyone would have their memories wiped of it.
But somehow, I never forgot what happened even though I was supposed to.
I guess you could say it was strange, in that sense.
no subject
But eventually, that smile fades, and is replaced by a sad look.]
I thought the same thing, for the longest time. They don't tell normal people about 'the Foundation'. Up until I was in middle school, I didn't have any powers or any trouble in the world. It wasn't until later, when I actually joined the Foundation, that I saw it differently.
no subject
. . . for a minimum amount of success, anyway. although she does see the sad look that he makes and she just squeezes his hands again. she's here. she's listening. ]
Yeah, that-
[ it's kind of surprising, in a lot of ways just how she can actually relate to him. and even more than that. it's terrifying just how similar her world is to the Foundation's. not entirely, but. . . god, is it.
but she tries not to show it in her face, instead trying to keep her expression neutral as she speaks, her tone even. ]
It was the same for me, in some ways. You just live a normal, happy, blissful life, unaware of what's going on. Not. . . that I consider myself as having a 'blissful' life to begin with, but for me it was just uneventful. I didn't have any tragic backstory or anything like my friends did.
I was just normal. Ordinary. No powers whatsoever. [ she smiles a little bitterly. ] And yet, the younger me was always scared of something. Always doubtful. I never trusted anyone. . . for the longest time.
[ not even herself.
that especially included herself. ]
It just basically was the way I was, you know.
[ she laughs a little bitterly, shaking her head. ]
But. . . what do you see this world as now?
no subject
...sending all of you home might be kinder. You don't deserve the mess that this world has become. But nobody actually wants to focus on finding a real way to get you guys home, besides 'kill them off and let their souls sort out where to go'. I'm sure we could do it if we tried, there's already multiple ways to travel to other dimensions. They just need to be fine-tuned to go to specific dimensions.
[But nobody at the top wants that to happen, so it won't.]
You know, it's kind of funny. The guy who brought me into the Foundation was pretty high up there. I don't know if he was an O5 or just an A-rank or whatever, but he's pretty powerful within the Foundation. And when we first met, I thought he was a pretty decent guy. But after years and years of seeing what the Foundation is, I...I think I was wrong about him. I think he might be just as corrupt as the rest.
cw suicidal ideation mentions
and that's why she can't help but sigh, her shoulders sagging, lips forming a thin line. ]
Honestly? I'm not even fucking surprised at all. I haven't even been here as long as some of the others, and well? Nobody seems to fucking care that some of us - some of the '6350s' can't handle being on the front lines, can't handle being fucking cannon fodder.
[ she's talking about herself, of course. it just seems unfair.
...
she shakes her head at the mention of 'sending everyone home'. she doesn't know about the whole memory loss aspect of it because nobody fucking told her, but-- ]
I almost made that decision once. Staying dead and. . . you know, going back.
[ she couldn't take the dysphoria of 'being in a new body' and she wanted so desperately to go back home. since she's still holding onto his hands, now he'll be able to tell that, well.
in spite of the calmness in her voice?
her hands are trembling in his own. ]
That was a choice I could make. I knew that, so that's why whenever I had a chance, I always--
[ --volunteered for the games.
that's why he really didn't have to save her. because she knew that even if she died and nobody rescued her soul, she'd be fine. she'd just go back home. ]
I don't really want to die, though. He'd probably become a mess if I did. And that's. . . honestly unfair to him. But I didn't choose to come back for myself. I chose to come back for them.
[ that's.
not the first time that she's admitted it, but it's probably the first time that she's said it properly, without hesitation. ]
More so than that, I wouldn't be able to see any of the people I love and care about if I went back. Nobody else here is from my world. [ her voice shudders a bit. ] I'd never be able to see them again. Not to mention that I live in a place where I'd be reminded of him everywhere I went.
[ she's from yokohama too, after all.
her voice shudders then. but it manages to even out, because she can stop talking about herself and go back to focusing on him a bit. ]
Can you. . . talk to me a little bit more about him? Maybe a little more specific about what he's like, things he said to you. Having another person's opinion might be a good insight on things.
no subject
I don't really know that much about him. He didn't train me, his rank was too high for that. He just brought me to the Foundation.
I do remember one thing, though. He was...weird, sometimes. Like sometimes it was him I was talking to, and other times it was an entirely different 'him.' Like a split personality maybe? But both 'personalities' knew who I was.
I guess he could have just been messing with me, though. You gotta be some kind of fucked up to run this organization.
no subject
he's older than her, certainly, but he's still young.
nobody that young should have to deal with this crap. and even if Inaba might be one of the youngest people in their group, that doesn't change her feelings on the matter. she listens to him carefully with clear intent, nodding. ]
People have a lot of masks.
[ a quiet, calm answer. ]
Sometimes people present themselves in a certain way for certain situations. One of my friends was like that.
[ from back home, specifically. ]
She always wore so many masks because she didn't know what kind of person was the real 'her'. She always had to put on an act, pretend to be perfect to match the people around her. To be honest, that kind of thing is. . . admittedly a little terrifying.
It's why when our souls kept on swapping between our bodies - between the five of us, I was worried that she might break.
[ actually, she—
this is a good way to segue into the thing that she really wants to talk to him about. ]
And I'm worried you're hitting that breaking point, too. Your mask as 'Dazai' is obviously cracking and I get it. Having to constantly pretend to be someone you're not day in and day out is exhausting.
I know that better than anyone else here.
It puts a lot of pressure on you because so many people expect you to act in a certain way.
That's why. . . I don't know if you'll let me. But let me help you. With two things. The first being that I want to help repair the mask of 'Dazai'. The second being that — I know you said they'll probably bug this room next week, so I want you to meet me in places that are safe from either the cameras or the mics.
You'll lose your mind if you aren't allowed to be yourself even faster than you are now.
I can't do much else, so this is all I can offer. To be honest, a part of me wishes we could just swap places sometimes.
[ she laughs bitterly, just a little. ]
You'd probably have an easier time being me than being Dazai. And I wouldn't mind playing Dazai's role. I can pull it off.
But you probably wouldn't let me do that, huh.
no subject
Then again, if he doesn't survive that long then it will be worse...]
...what do you mean 'repair that mask'?
no subject
[ she speaks those words calmly with no inflection to them, but the gaze in her eyes tells another story entirely.
Inaba's worried. ]
I don't want you to die.
[ there's something genuine in those words; that single sentence. ]
I don't want a repeat of things that happened before to happen to you just because of a slip up. I feel like more of 'yourself' has been coming out recently, and that's dangerous.
[ ... ]
But I also don't want you to fall apart because you had to act like Dazai consistently all the time. I. . . understand what that's like, to have to pretend to be someone you're not. That's why I wanted to apologize to you, before. Because I put so much unnecessary pressure on you.
Even if it was understandable.
Because you didn't trust me.
[ she laughs a little hollowly, her gaze flitting downwards as she mutters almost nearly under her breath: ]
Why would anyone? I don't even trust myself. Sorry, I'm rambling, aren't I? I just want to help you. It's not for entirely unselfish reasons, though. I just think that having you around is my personal best bet in making it out here alive.
[ at least she's honest. ]
no subject
[Dazai does plan on keeping them all alive, after all. Or, well...bringing back the ones who died. But if they're all alive in the end then that's what matters, right?]
...but thank you. I'm not sure where we could talk about such things, but I'll listen to your help.
no subject
her mouth parts slightly at all of what he says, before she wears a soft, warm smile. ]
I don't know how much I can help. But I'm always willing to drag you out of here to find that place. I really want to. And if there's anything you want to ask me, I'm willing to answer as much as I can on my end.
no subject
[Dazai hesitates for a moment, but ultimately decides to give Inaba a little bit of trust here.]
If something happens to me, take my laptop with you when you run. There's a lot of programs and information on it that'll be useful to you. The password to get onto it is my name.
And if that somehow gets destroyed, there's a flash drive hidden in the liquor bottle cabinet that has the information on it.
no subject
while that's definitely concerning, she understands that a backup plan like that is necessary. she absolutely gets that.
and she nods. ]
. . . Alright.
[ as the computer nerd in the group, that will definitely be useful, she thinks.
the flash drive will help too, but there's something that she should mention-- ]
How am I going to get your name, though?
[ she thinks he's referring to his true name and not like.
the name of the person that he's pretending to be. ]
no subject
no subject
[ and not in a good way.
but she sighs. ]
Alright, then. I'll keep that in mind. Is there anything else, or should we end it with this?
no subject