[ There it was. Why did she want to help? The initial answer is obvious. ]
I can't lie to you and say neither of those things aren't true. I don't know that I would have kept coming back if Yuuto-kun hadn't asked in the first place, and I personally don't want to let anyone else down again.
[ She takes a deep breath, holding onto that tea cup. This is a mistake. She knows it, she'd be surprised if she wasn't thrown out immediately. But, she'll start up speaking anyway. ]
--I want to help, because I don't want you to be alone, Inaba-san. We both know how tough it can be to maneuver through worlds like this by yourself, knowing that at any moment, someone you know might either disappear or... or turn out to be someone else.
[ She peers inside of the tea, hands shaking a bit. ]
I've met a lot of people, both where I'm from and as a magi. I've met despicable human beings, and demons who don't have any consideration for anybody. Before that, I've even met people who can be standoffish and refuse any kind of help, believing they can make it on their own. I genuinely think... just because they don't want help, that doesn't mean they're a bad person.
...I know for a fact, deep in my heart, you aren't a bad person, Inaba-san.
[ At first, she's tempted to almost get mad, frustrated. Of course it wasn't about her, and that part hurts. It reminds her of the barrage of questions she asked Taichi before.
She takes a sip of her drink and sighs. ]
I know. I'm just... human, I guess. For as little as I am at this point.
[ Sometimes losing your humanity sucks. She remembers how Yuuto said she was human, but there are many days when she finds herself questioning that. She can't help but remember what Lambdadelta told her, once.
She hates it. ]
Besides. I don't think what I did was necessarily wrong either.
It's not my place to really say whether you were wrong or right, since I don't know everything. I just know everyone else's side of the story, and that's not fair to you.
[ She hasn't gotten over it, really. Her comments before about liking someone without really knowing who they are. The words she said to Yuuto even before this whole mess started. She couldn't get over it, the overwhelming feeling of guilt. ]
...it's not right to force yourself to feel anything for anybody. If you want to l...like someone, it's best to do that because you want to like them.
Having that choice, being able to feel happiness, pain, fear from that... I've been thinking about it. I think, that's still proof that we're more human than we think.
I suppose I could say my piece if you've heard from everyone else already.
[ ... ]
To be honest. When I messaged him, it wasn't as if I was going in head first into anything. But then, I realized something. I was worried...
[ Inaba smiles bitterly. ]
I told him that you'd messaged me and he told me this: that he belied that he was acting normal. Unfortunately for someone like me, [ she takes one of the cups of tea and sips it, contemplative before continuing in a soft, anguished voice: ] when someone says something like that, it's concerning. I was immediately reminded of Iori. So I asked him just how important it is for him to act normal.
He told me that "Yuuto" [ air quotes absolutely there ] was temporary. That he shouldn't leave much of an impression. So I got mad. Well, not furious, but... it was a quiet anger, you know? Because he's definitely let an impression on everyone.
When he said he didn't know who he was, I wanted to give him some space. I didn't want to make the same mistakes as last time. I thought that... maybe we were just together too much. That if he really wanted to grow and learn about himself, that we shouldn't be clinging onto each other.
[ She laughs derisively, like a bunch of broken piano keys. ] Except I still messed up anyway, didn't I? I thought that perhaps I didn't understand Yuuto on a fundamental level. So I needed some time and some space away, to reevaluate my thoughts and my feelings. Because I realized that I was struggling to come up with compliments whenever I was outright asked for it. I even told him that later, too.
[ ... ]
He didn't care that I was awful at that sort of thing... but maybe he understood me. That the way I show my affections to other people isn't through words like that. That for me, when I'm in love, actions speak louder than words.
In any case: I made my decision. And don't get me wrong - I don't hate Yuuto or anything like that. I also know that doing this would hurt him. But I can't be in a relationship when my feelings are shaky and uncertain. When I don't even know for sure anymore if my feelings are of love, or obsession, or adoration or just... the idea of not wanting to be alone again. It would be unfair. Both to him, and anyone else.
Besides. This is probably the choice that should have been made to begin with. I already have two other boyfriends back at the Foundation, and eventually I'll be dating Taichi too, once I get back home to Yokohama.
[ Ryoko listens intently, hearing Inaba say her piece. Yuuto was someone that could be overdramatic, and Akutagawa seemed difficult to figure out and deal with, but would she really embellish the story to better suit herself? It became clear before long that, it wasn't the case. At least, she didn't feel like it was.
The way that she spoke about people she knew before, and how she squarely placed the blame back on herself. Getting mad at the concept of "Yuuto" thinking he shouldn't leave an impression... which, she'd understand. That'd irritate her too. Still, she was the one who put that concept into his head in the end... of him pretending, him deciding what love is meant to be.
Any other time, Ryoko would feel some kind of satisfaction from knowing that she was kind of right. This whole thing probably could have been solved had they just spent a little bit of time apart from each other. That sometimes, you need some self-reflection and time away from someone to know exactly how you feel, to figure it out...
...she didn't realize, as Inaba continued, that she felt her eyes get watery.
They didn't get that luxury, did they? Yuuto was someone who loved to give someone he cares about attention, even if they weren't necessarily dating. He's someone trying his hardest to figure out who he is. Even so, allowing Inaba time to figure out how she should feel was just as important. Give it some time... time he may not have, but time he'd have to trust her with.
When did the first tear even reach her cheek?
It felt all too familiar. It felt too recent to her. It made her think of things she said, things she had done, even as she tried to tell herself in her head that thinking about it right now wasn't helping either of them.
Being unsure of those feelings, not wanting to be unfair...
When Inaba's done, she just stares into her tea, trying to ignore the tears. It was selfish of her, she knows, but as Inaba spoke... she couldn't help but, for once in her life, think about herself first and foremost.
She was such a coward. ]
I'm sorry. I'm... I just...
[ She wipes at her eyes, before closing her eyes, smiling brightly as much as she can at Inaba. ]
I'm... really happy to hear that you don't hate him. Your feelings are important... you should have that time to... to figure it out.
[ Inaba answers cooly as she takes out a handkerchief to pass over to Asakura. ]
It isn't anything you need to apologize for in the first place. I'm not going to hate someone for not knowing "who" they are, or what kind of person they want to be. I am, however, allowed to be mad and frustrated about people trying to act in a certain way without thinking about themselves, first and foremost. It's fine to care about others, but it's not truly caring if you can't care about yourself first.
Well, what's done is done. There's no take backs in life and I just have to deal with the cards that have been dealt. Although I can't say that I'm entirely ready to deal with other people yet, so I'll just have to coast the rest of the month in disguise.
[ She's probably not even talking about her, as she dabs at her eyes with the handkerchief. ]
...I guess it's just... some don't find worth in themselves unless it's through the ones they care about. To them, making sure their loved ones are the most comfortable is more important than anything else in the world. Especially if they seem to have a low opinion of themselves.
[ Okay. Okay, she's... composing herself now. ]
Is... that easy for you? It's good that you're willing to at least leave your home, but can you actually move around in disguise?
[ Ryoko's frame of reference for that is. Probably something that looks more stalkerish than anything. ]
[ Her voice doesn't sound any more robotic or even different than usual. But she eventually takes off the mask from her arm, which immediately causes the robotic form to fade.
She's human again. ]
I have this mask that I got for a mission from the Foundation that allows me to change my appearance to that of... that specific robot. There's no customization or anything like that, and it's basically overlaying an illusion. It's also tech based, not ability based.
Uh... huh. I mean, no one really would know it's you, huh.
[ Unless she spoke? But why would a robot speak--
Okay, she knows a robot that would speak. ]
Sheesh... I never got anything like that for surviving in Nyoi-cho. The best I had was a regifted deer head from my friend back home. That never even turned me into a deer...
[ sigh... ]
Will you be okay like that? The spirits'll probably be surprised to see a robot walking around.
Exactly -- ah, the spirits would know it's me, though. From their perspective, they see the soul. But it's not as if I'm trying to obscure my appearance from them. Besides, I'd bet they'd be willing to help cooperate with me in not outing me. A lot of the spirits actually like me. For better or for worse.
I told them a lot of... SCP-adjacent stories so that I could room at the library. It was basically payment.
[ She huffs a little bit. ]
You shouldn't be jealous of them. I just constantly seem to get into these drama-filled bullshit scenarios. But I suppose that's the cost of associating with Yuuto. Not that it's always necessarily a bad thing.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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...um. Sorry, am I allowed to-- er, can I come in?
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[ Inaba takes a step inward, her voice soft as she keeps the door open for her. ]
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[ And she steps through, doing just that. Ensuring it's closed. ]
Uh, would you like some tea? If I'm allowed to borrow your kitchen for a moment.
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[ ...no, stop. This is what got you in trouble in the first place... ]
Sorry. I just...
[ She glances away. ]
I don't know what else I can do to help.
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[ She pauses, and adds: ]
Maybe a snack.
[ Then she'll come back to that last statement she just said. But for now, she'll at least be a presentable host and head off into the kitchen. ]
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[ That's a first step. She really didn't think this would be so difficult, part of her was wondering if she should've brought someone along to help--
But no, she doesn't want to crowd Inaba after all. Especially when she wasn't sure exactly how welcome she was in the first place.
Ryoko goes right ahead to do that, finding the living room and sitting down, running through everything in her mind to figure out what to say. ]
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If you want something else, let me know. I might have it.
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[ She laughs a little, nervously at least taking the tea. ]
Oh, that isn't to say I dislike the hospitality. I just don't want to overstay my welcome or anything like that.
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[ She takes a deep breath and collects her thoughts before speaking up. ]
You say you want to help. But why do you? Because if it's "for Yuuto's sake" or "for your own personal satisfaction", then I'd rather you leave.
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I can't lie to you and say neither of those things aren't true. I don't know that I would have kept coming back if Yuuto-kun hadn't asked in the first place, and I personally don't want to let anyone else down again.
[ She takes a deep breath, holding onto that tea cup. This is a mistake. She knows it, she'd be surprised if she wasn't thrown out immediately. But, she'll start up speaking anyway. ]
--I want to help, because I don't want you to be alone, Inaba-san. We both know how tough it can be to maneuver through worlds like this by yourself, knowing that at any moment, someone you know might either disappear or... or turn out to be someone else.
[ She peers inside of the tea, hands shaking a bit. ]
I've met a lot of people, both where I'm from and as a magi. I've met despicable human beings, and demons who don't have any consideration for anybody. Before that, I've even met people who can be standoffish and refuse any kind of help, believing they can make it on their own. I genuinely think... just because they don't want help, that doesn't mean they're a bad person.
...I know for a fact, deep in my heart, you aren't a bad person, Inaba-san.
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She takes a sip of her drink and sighs. ]
I know. I'm just... human, I guess. For as little as I am at this point.
[ Sometimes losing your humanity sucks. She remembers how Yuuto said she was human, but there are many days when she finds herself questioning that. She can't help but remember what Lambdadelta told her, once.
She hates it. ]
Besides. I don't think what I did was necessarily wrong either.
no subject
[ She hasn't gotten over it, really. Her comments before about liking someone without really knowing who they are. The words she said to Yuuto even before this whole mess started. She couldn't get over it, the overwhelming feeling of guilt. ]
...it's not right to force yourself to feel anything for anybody. If you want to l...like someone, it's best to do that because you want to like them.
Having that choice, being able to feel happiness, pain, fear from that... I've been thinking about it. I think, that's still proof that we're more human than we think.
no subject
[ ... ]
To be honest. When I messaged him, it wasn't as if I was going in head first into anything. But then, I realized something. I was worried...
[ Inaba smiles bitterly. ]
I told him that you'd messaged me and he told me this: that he belied that he was acting normal. Unfortunately for someone like me, [ she takes one of the cups of tea and sips it, contemplative before continuing in a soft, anguished voice: ] when someone says something like that, it's concerning. I was immediately reminded of Iori. So I asked him just how important it is for him to act normal.
He told me that "Yuuto" [ air quotes absolutely there ] was temporary. That he shouldn't leave much of an impression. So I got mad. Well, not furious, but... it was a quiet anger, you know? Because he's definitely let an impression on everyone.
When he said he didn't know who he was, I wanted to give him some space. I didn't want to make the same mistakes as last time. I thought that... maybe we were just together too much. That if he really wanted to grow and learn about himself, that we shouldn't be clinging onto each other.
[ She laughs derisively, like a bunch of broken piano keys. ] Except I still messed up anyway, didn't I? I thought that perhaps I didn't understand Yuuto on a fundamental level. So I needed some time and some space away, to reevaluate my thoughts and my feelings. Because I realized that I was struggling to come up with compliments whenever I was outright asked for it. I even told him that later, too.
[ ... ]
He didn't care that I was awful at that sort of thing... but maybe he understood me. That the way I show my affections to other people isn't through words like that. That for me, when I'm in love, actions speak louder than words.
In any case: I made my decision. And don't get me wrong - I don't hate Yuuto or anything like that. I also know that doing this would hurt him. But I can't be in a relationship when my feelings are shaky and uncertain. When I don't even know for sure anymore if my feelings are of love, or obsession, or adoration or just... the idea of not wanting to be alone again. It would be unfair. Both to him, and anyone else.
Besides. This is probably the choice that should have been made to begin with. I already have two other boyfriends back at the Foundation, and eventually I'll be dating Taichi too, once I get back home to Yokohama.
Sorry. That was a lot.
no subject
The way that she spoke about people she knew before, and how she squarely placed the blame back on herself. Getting mad at the concept of "Yuuto" thinking he shouldn't leave an impression... which, she'd understand. That'd irritate her too. Still, she was the one who put that concept into his head in the end... of him pretending, him deciding what love is meant to be.
Any other time, Ryoko would feel some kind of satisfaction from knowing that she was kind of right. This whole thing probably could have been solved had they just spent a little bit of time apart from each other. That sometimes, you need some self-reflection and time away from someone to know exactly how you feel, to figure it out...
...she didn't realize, as Inaba continued, that she felt her eyes get watery.
They didn't get that luxury, did they? Yuuto was someone who loved to give someone he cares about attention, even if they weren't necessarily dating. He's someone trying his hardest to figure out who he is. Even so, allowing Inaba time to figure out how she should feel was just as important. Give it some time... time he may not have, but time he'd have to trust her with.
When did the first tear even reach her cheek?
It felt all too familiar. It felt too recent to her. It made her think of things she said, things she had done, even as she tried to tell herself in her head that thinking about it right now wasn't helping either of them.
Being unsure of those feelings, not wanting to be unfair...
When Inaba's done, she just stares into her tea, trying to ignore the tears. It was selfish of her, she knows, but as Inaba spoke... she couldn't help but, for once in her life, think about herself first and foremost.
She was such a coward. ]
I'm sorry. I'm... I just...
[ She wipes at her eyes, before closing her eyes, smiling brightly as much as she can at Inaba. ]
I'm... really happy to hear that you don't hate him. Your feelings are important... you should have that time to... to figure it out.
no subject
[ Inaba answers cooly as she takes out a handkerchief to pass over to Asakura. ]
It isn't anything you need to apologize for in the first place. I'm not going to hate someone for not knowing "who" they are, or what kind of person they want to be. I am, however, allowed to be mad and frustrated about people trying to act in a certain way without thinking about themselves, first and foremost. It's fine to care about others, but it's not truly caring if you can't care about yourself first.
Well, what's done is done. There's no take backs in life and I just have to deal with the cards that have been dealt. Although I can't say that I'm entirely ready to deal with other people yet, so I'll just have to coast the rest of the month in disguise.
no subject
[ She's probably not even talking about her, as she dabs at her eyes with the handkerchief. ]
...I guess it's just... some don't find worth in themselves unless it's through the ones they care about. To them, making sure their loved ones are the most comfortable is more important than anything else in the world. Especially if they seem to have a low opinion of themselves.
[ Okay. Okay, she's... composing herself now. ]
Is... that easy for you? It's good that you're willing to at least leave your home, but can you actually move around in disguise?
[ Ryoko's frame of reference for that is. Probably something that looks more stalkerish than anything. ]
no subject
[ That's something she's firm in. ]
They say love makes people blind, but I don't want to be that kind of person.
But if you want to see, hold on, I can show you, it shouldn't take me more than a minute, let me grab it from my bag--
[ And she walks off to her room for a bit before returning and looking like a robot. Surprise?? ]
1/2
[ Love makes people blind, huh.
...actually, that's really ironic, but she doesn't feel like she should point that out right now. Not that she really knows why it happened. ]
Oh, um... sure.
[ She'll wait patiently then... ]
no subject
Wh-- huh?!
[ ...how many people in this city can transform?! Is she sure this isn't another city full of magi?! ]
I...Inaba-san?!
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[ Her voice doesn't sound any more robotic or even different than usual. But she eventually takes off the mask from her arm, which immediately causes the robotic form to fade.
She's human again. ]
I have this mask that I got for a mission from the Foundation that allows me to change my appearance to that of... that specific robot. There's no customization or anything like that, and it's basically overlaying an illusion. It's also tech based, not ability based.
no subject
[ Unless she spoke? But why would a robot speak--
Okay, she knows a robot that would speak. ]
Sheesh... I never got anything like that for surviving in Nyoi-cho. The best I had was a regifted deer head from my friend back home. That never even turned me into a deer...
[ sigh... ]
Will you be okay like that? The spirits'll probably be surprised to see a robot walking around.
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Honestly, I'm starting to think the spirits can see the best side of you. I'm kinda jealous.
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[ She huffs a little bit. ]
You shouldn't be jealous of them. I just constantly seem to get into these drama-filled bullshit scenarios. But I suppose that's the cost of associating with Yuuto. Not that it's always necessarily a bad thing.
[ Key word: "always". ]
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