[ And there's just going to be a rather heavy sigh coming from her end of the line.
She doesn't seem to answer immediately, letting silence hang in the air for about a minute or so before speaking up again. Even though he says words like that, her feelings on the matter, they're... ]
And I meant every last word I said then. I'm not worth being that important.
[Silence could kill him faster than words, he thinks. He can feel his chest tighten more by the second.
His voice is soft in response, but he doesn't back down.]
You are.
[A lengthy pause on his own end, trying to figure out how he wants to word this.]
...which isn't to say that you aren't right. It is awful of me to say that after I abandoned you for two years. But, you should know... it was never my intention to make you feel that way.
I know that doesn't change anything, I just... you're talented, Raina. I've just been faking it all along, but you... you actually could live up to the expectations anyone else had of you. Could surpass them, even.
I didn't want to abandon you. You're my sister, I love you, I always have...
I just... didn't want to be the chain that held you back. And I never stopped to think how it would look from your end.
You're one of the most important people in my life, and you always will be, memories be damned. I'm just... I'm sorry that I hurt you, Raina.
[ To be honest, she's kind of relieved that this isn't in person and is instead done through a phone call, because she's pretty much curling in on herself, sitting on the couch as she pulls her legs close to her body as she just listens to his words.
Carefully takes it in and then lets out another breath. ]
I-
[ I don't have any talent at all. I'm not like everyone else on the application. Both me, and my past self are useless, I'm sure of it.
But she doesn't say that at all. Instead, what she does say is something in a similar vein, but avoiding certain things. ]
That's not true, Rean. I don't have any talent at all. [ She laughs a little bitterly, almost a little hollow. ] If you're saying that you've been faking it all along... I'm the same way, you know. It's so easy to just fake everything.
That's not true. You knew exactly what you wanted when you came here, didn't you? Analytics, computers... that's always been you, and you've always been good at it.
I just muddled my way through high school and I'm just floundering to keep my head above water.
[He's talking about this life, not his past life. Raina's the one who insists they're separate, after all, and no matter how much he sometimes wishes it weren't so this is the life he's living now.]
Everything else? Yeah. I know how easy it is to fake it. I do it all the time.
Maybe that's true... but it isn't as if I got into these because I enjoyed it. I only became good out of necessity. If I could analyze situations, analyze people then I could hide my weaknesses.
[ As she admits those words, he'll notice that her voice seems to be trembling a slight bit. Like it's difficult to even say any of this. ]
Since I don't trust anyone, after all. I always have to pretend to be someone else, meet everyone else's expectations, because that's what they want from me, right...? Because why would anyone like someone who is weak like this...? People only like someone who's strong, someone who can support them, someone who can actually help them... That's all I'm useful for. Without any of that, I'm useless. I'm just trash.
But you enjoy computers, right? And I know being able to analyze data like you can is going to be a boon no matter what you're doing in that field.
[And to that latter part... his own shaking sigh.]
That's not true at all, Raina. If people only wanted people who were strong and useful around, they'd have discarded me a long time ago. Sure, maybe I'm recovering some of my past self's skills now, but even then with how I've thrown myself in harm's way I think everyone knows I'm more a liability than anything. And listen to me now... I'm not strong at all.
[It's such a good thing he can hear the water running, or he imagines Crow would come storming out of the bathroom to tell him off for talking like this.]
Regardless, though, I've never thought of you as worthless.
[ These two self-deprecating siblings need help... ]
It isn't that I like them, really, it was just easier to run away from everything and escape to the internet. Because online, it was even easier to pretend to be someone else.
But in the flip side, you could also see how bad people are especially under the guise of anonymity. To be honest, it just fueled the thought... the idea that all people are like that. That people would constantly be thinking of others potentially backstabbing each other, of doing terrible, terrible things to each other on purpose and being cruel... because I think like that, too and I managed to live what seemed to be a semblance of a normal life before the app, so clearly it's possible that others could think that way, too.
But you're not that way at all, even if it would be so much easier if you were.
[Their parents gave them the world, when all they really needed was therapy.]
...Please. I've seen you fawn over hardware, and you've gone ahead and built your own to do way more than you'd ever need to browse the internet. You can't say that you don't like them at least a little.
And... well. There probably are a lot of people like that. There are even some on the app that don't bother to hide it.
Being pessimistic doesn't make you trash, it just makes you a realist. I don't see anything wrong with that.
I mean, I can't deny it, but you don't have to say it...
[ You can practically hear the pout in her voice. ]
But even realists aren't like this, though! They aren't constantly hurting and caught in the middle because they just can't trust anything or anyone when they really want to!
Haha... when you're trying to tear yourself down with it, yeah, I'm afraid I do.
[He can, and it makes him smile just a little before she goes on.]
That's the thing, though. You can't know that. You don't trust anyone, you have no idea what's going on in their heads or what they could be thinking. And it could be horrible, cruel things... but they could be tearing themselves apart just like you are, too.
And even if everything you've said so far were 100% correct – which it isn't, but I'll play along – none of that would change that I see you as worthwhile and important.
But instead she just... leans back into the chair she's sitting on, murmuring a small 'why are you like this' under her breath before her voice lowers, although she does have to ask him. ]
Why would you still see me like that? Is it simply because we're siblings? Because we've been together for so long...? I won't take that as an answer, you know.
You see yourself as having nothing to offer, but as far as I see it, you've never even had to try. You've always been there for me, no matter how many good reasons I've given for you to go.
Let me put it to you this way: I couldn't say half of what I've said in this call to my friends. They'd shut me down before I even got halfway through a sentence.
Hell... even just with this conversation. I just admitted to you I'm clingy as all hell and potentially unstable, and you didn't even blink other than to say I shouldn't be over you. Most people would be a little more freaked out, don't you think?
. . . You're my only friend, Rean. I have nobody else. I have nothing else. If I freaked out about what you said, I might lose you and I just can't do that.
[ Because guess who is also clingy? ]
It's kind of why I get terrified when I fuck up and get too pushy. I'd honestly do almost anything you asked me to if it meant that I wouldn't be alone again.
Good thing only one of us is a blackmailer, huh...?
[But now, softer and more serious:]
Listen. I'm not sure if I can explain to you right now why you're important in a way you'd understand. But you are, and that's not going to change no matter how much you argue it or no matter how much you "fuck up."
We'd probably go in circles if we kept up like this and neither of us would get any sleep. Not to mention that you wouldn't want to worry Crow too much, right?
[ Since she knows he's staying with him, at least for tonight. ]
Yeah. We're fine. I don't think I have the heart to say otherwise.
...Ah, okay, yeah, he's definitely getting out of there. I probably shouldn't keep him out of his own living room for too long. Talk to you tomorrow, okay?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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She doesn't seem to answer immediately, letting silence hang in the air for about a minute or so before speaking up again. Even though he says words like that, her feelings on the matter, they're... ]
And I meant every last word I said then. I'm not worth being that important.
[ Her voice is a little softer, there. ]
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His voice is soft in response, but he doesn't back down.]
You are.
[A lengthy pause on his own end, trying to figure out how he wants to word this.]
...which isn't to say that you aren't right. It is awful of me to say that after I abandoned you for two years. But, you should know... it was never my intention to make you feel that way.
I know that doesn't change anything, I just... you're talented, Raina. I've just been faking it all along, but you... you actually could live up to the expectations anyone else had of you. Could surpass them, even.
I didn't want to abandon you. You're my sister, I love you, I always have...
I just... didn't want to be the chain that held you back. And I never stopped to think how it would look from your end.
You're one of the most important people in my life, and you always will be, memories be damned. I'm just... I'm sorry that I hurt you, Raina.
You deserve better than me.
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Carefully takes it in and then lets out another breath. ]
I-
[ I don't have any talent at all. I'm not like everyone else on the application. Both me, and my past self are useless, I'm sure of it.
But she doesn't say that at all. Instead, what she does say is something in a similar vein, but avoiding certain things. ]
That's not true, Rean. I don't have any talent at all. [ She laughs a little bitterly, almost a little hollow. ] If you're saying that you've been faking it all along... I'm the same way, you know. It's so easy to just fake everything.
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I just muddled my way through high school and I'm just floundering to keep my head above water.
[He's talking about this life, not his past life. Raina's the one who insists they're separate, after all, and no matter how much he sometimes wishes it weren't so this is the life he's living now.]
Everything else? Yeah. I know how easy it is to fake it. I do it all the time.
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[ As she admits those words, he'll notice that her voice seems to be trembling a slight bit. Like it's difficult to even say any of this. ]
Since I don't trust anyone, after all. I always have to pretend to be someone else, meet everyone else's expectations, because that's what they want from me, right...? Because why would anyone like someone who is weak like this...? People only like someone who's strong, someone who can support them, someone who can actually help them... That's all I'm useful for. Without any of that, I'm useless. I'm just trash.
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[And to that latter part... his own shaking sigh.]
That's not true at all, Raina. If people only wanted people who were strong and useful around, they'd have discarded me a long time ago. Sure, maybe I'm recovering some of my past self's skills now, but even then with how I've thrown myself in harm's way I think everyone knows I'm more a liability than anything. And listen to me now... I'm not strong at all.
[It's such a good thing he can hear the water running, or he imagines Crow would come storming out of the bathroom to tell him off for talking like this.]
Regardless, though, I've never thought of you as worthless.
no subject
It isn't that I like them, really, it was just easier to run away from everything and escape to the internet. Because online, it was even easier to pretend to be someone else.
But in the flip side, you could also see how bad people are especially under the guise of anonymity. To be honest, it just fueled the thought... the idea that all people are like that. That people would constantly be thinking of others potentially backstabbing each other, of doing terrible, terrible things to each other on purpose and being cruel... because I think like that, too and I managed to live what seemed to be a semblance of a normal life before the app, so clearly it's possible that others could think that way, too.
But you're not that way at all, even if it would be so much easier if you were.
no subject
...Please. I've seen you fawn over hardware, and you've gone ahead and built your own to do way more than you'd ever need to browse the internet. You can't say that you don't like them at least a little.
And... well. There probably are a lot of people like that. There are even some on the app that don't bother to hide it.
Being pessimistic doesn't make you trash, it just makes you a realist. I don't see anything wrong with that.
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[ You can practically hear the pout in her voice. ]
But even realists aren't like this, though! They aren't constantly hurting and caught in the middle because they just can't trust anything or anyone when they really want to!
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[He can, and it makes him smile just a little before she goes on.]
That's the thing, though. You can't know that. You don't trust anyone, you have no idea what's going on in their heads or what they could be thinking. And it could be horrible, cruel things... but they could be tearing themselves apart just like you are, too.
And even if everything you've said so far were 100% correct – which it isn't, but I'll play along – none of that would change that I see you as worthwhile and important.
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But instead she just... leans back into the chair she's sitting on, murmuring a small 'why are you like this' under her breath before her voice lowers, although she does have to ask him. ]
Why would you still see me like that? Is it simply because we're siblings? Because we've been together for so long...? I won't take that as an answer, you know.
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Let me put it to you this way: I couldn't say half of what I've said in this call to my friends. They'd shut me down before I even got halfway through a sentence.
Hell... even just with this conversation. I just admitted to you I'm clingy as all hell and potentially unstable, and you didn't even blink other than to say I shouldn't be over you. Most people would be a little more freaked out, don't you think?
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[ Because guess who is also clingy? ]
It's kind of why I get terrified when I fuck up and get too pushy. I'd honestly do almost anything you asked me to if it meant that I wouldn't be alone again.
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Good thing only one of us is a blackmailer, huh...?
[But now, softer and more serious:]
Listen. I'm not sure if I can explain to you right now why you're important in a way you'd understand. But you are, and that's not going to change no matter how much you argue it or no matter how much you "fuck up."
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[...]
So, for now, at least... are we okay?
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[ Since she knows he's staying with him, at least for tonight. ]
Yeah. We're fine. I don't think I have the heart to say otherwise.
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All right. Just so long as you're sure.
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And of course I'm sure. I'm not mad at you. I never really was.
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...Ah, okay, yeah, he's definitely getting out of there. I probably shouldn't keep him out of his own living room for too long. Talk to you tomorrow, okay?
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[ Sorry, she had to get one joke in before she hung up for the night. ]
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[He's laughing even as he says that, though. He's clearly not mad.]
Night.