Heh... well, that's the goal. Doesn't hurt to go at it from more than one direction, though, so I'll do my best. The last thing my past self ever wanted was for this thing to hurt someone I loved... and now, all I want is to make sure it never does that – or worse – again.
[But, ah, yes. She's hit the nail on the head, which doesn't surprise him.]
...Yeah.
Back in December, when I first started remembering things, I remembered being in the cockpit of something, staring down a giant blue robot. [A pause, then a scoff.] I told you it only got more anime from there.
But I remembered it – or, rather, who was in it – talking to me, and I remembered how much it hurt to hear how... dead they sounded before they kicked my ass.
And I've been trying ever since to pretend I didn't know exactly who was in there, but there's no denying it anymore. I don't know how or why, but I know Crow betrayed us in our past lives. Even if Crow hadn't confirmed it himself on Retrospec, my memories have.
[And as hard as that was to admit, the next part is clearly harder.]
When you attacked him... I didn't even see you. I was back in that cockpit again, and the two of us were facing off against another robot. Red, this time. Crow went charging forward, it stabbed its tail into the ground...
[He swallows hard, staring down at the table.]
And it came out in front of and went straight through Crow.
["I'm fine! It barely scratched me!" Rean wants to believe those words, but... he'd just be lying to himself again, wouldn't he?]
And all I could think was "not again, never again—" and that's when I lost it.
[ She can't do much. That's something she's absolutely certain about, at least.
But listening to him?
This, she can do. ]
And I get it. Hurting somebody, it—
[ It's subtle, but he'll probably notice how her voice cracks just talking about it; how guilt seems to eat at her as she squeezes his hand a little tighter.
She doesn't want to let go.
Because just thinking about it is terrifying in every right. And she hates just how weak and dependent she truly is. How she wants to cling and not be alone anymore, but feels like she has to be alone because she doesn't deserve people being close to her. Two contradictory thoughts. ]
Anyway, you're probably thinking too much. Honestly, the whole 'past life' memory crap is going to leave you with more questions than answers and you might not even get those answers if your past self doesn't remember it, either. Anyway, I think that part should either be left aside for now or. You could talk to the others about it.
But... [ She smiles at him, just a little fond. ] You really care about him a lot, don't you? Enough that you don't want to lose him. I don't think that's a bad thing. I'll support whatever decision you'll make — ah, unless it's really stupid, then I'll have to intervene.
But it's... really, really hard to separate the two. I have so many other memories that match up so well with who I know Crow to be in this life, so many little patterns we find ourselves falling into that are just the same.
And I wish I could say, "well, obviously, that's who Crow is. You know him." But then I have these memories of him sounding just hollow, of him knocking me flat and mocking me without remorse... and the thing is, even in this life? I know I don't know everything there is to know about Crow.
I don't know everything there is to know about you, and I've known you practically my whole life. I've only known Crow a couple of months. And even in these few months, I've found out he's been hiding things from us. There's more that he's hiding, I'm sure of it.
[It's now that he looks up at her, uncertain and frightened. He'd never show this part of himself to anyone else, not so openly.]
...but I can ignore all of that, you know? I can deal with that as it comes.
But I already lost him once before. And with the way things are now, with the layers and Vanderwheele and everything else... there's a very real possibility I'll be in a situation again where there's nothing I can do to save him.
If... if I lose him again...
["I don't know what I'm going to do," he wants to say, but... no. That's a lie.
He knows. He just hates the answer, and he knows she would, too.]
Yeah, I get a lot of that. Like, for me, I keep finding that me and my past self are way too similar. Since I think about that sort of thing too, you know? Trying to compare the differences and similarities... and sometimes it kind of hurts.
Like wondering if, well, because someone is like this in memories you recall that maybe it's definitely like that. Like they're too similar, so you can't help but ask yourself questions. You know what, maybe I'm lucky that I don't share memories with other people. I'd get way too paranoid.
[ Raina, you're already too paranoid... although she does see that look on his face, so vulnerable and it makes her heart twist to see her brother, the person she looks up to, like this. ]
Putting that aside, though, I don't think you have to worry. If he is hiding things from you, I think it'll just need some time. Best not to force it.
As for the latter, if you're really that worried about losing him again, that's when you should talk to someone about it, right? You shouldn't have to carry these burdens by yourself. And there's plenty of people that would want to help, you know?
I know it's a little hypocritical of me to say that, as someone who doesn't really have friends, but... yeah.
...Yeah. It was nice at first, when we kept finding that even little things had carried over from back then. It's... probably a little stupid to say out loud, but it seemed like it was fate, you know?
[Stupid, or just embarrassing because even he knows how gay that sounds? It is a mystery.]
If you think that, though... I think I'd rather believe in that from you than from myself.
[He shakes his head a little at the last bit]
I know I should, but it's been part of the reason I've been afraid to reach out to them. None of that is really news I know how to break.
[ She can't help but chuckle a bit. Yeah, it's definitely gay, but Raina sure isn't going to admit that. ]
Sorry, sorry, I couldn't help myself. But I think that you should try believing in yourself a little more. And if you're scared...
[ She remembers being afraid to open up to people, as Inaba. Saying that they wouldn't accept her, and that things would wind up worse rather than better.
Maybe...
Just maybe... ]
If you're afraid to tell them by yourself, I can come with you to back you up. And maybe practicing what you want to say might help...? Only if you want to.
You're extremely obvious. But it's okay, because it's just me. I can easily see things like that.
[ And she remembers very well conversations with Taichi, figuring him out felt easy. Calling Taichi out that he liked someone else (not her, it couldn't have been her) was easy. But it hurt to admit it.
But he couldn't see through her, so at the time?
It was fine.
And, well, seeing Rean like this reminds her of that, just a little bit. ]
But don't worry, I'll support your relationship if you do decide to go for it. And if things go wrong, I'll be here for that, too. Anyway, you don't have to rush into things. You can just take your time.
[ Her smile tugs a little brighter as she squeezes his hand one more time and she finally lets go of him. ]
I think they're finally here with our food, so let's just eat.
[Rean seems calmed by that promise, at least. He can't trust in much, right now, but after talking everything out, he definitely trusts Raina with this.]
Thanks. Right now... I think I just want to see where dealing with all of this goes. After that, who knows?
[His smile's a little brighter, too, a huge weight looking like it's lifted from his shoulders.]
[ The fact that he trusts her with so much - and she can see that; after all, would he have said anything if he didn't trust her to begin with? - is honestly rather astounding in her eyes sometimes.
And seeing him smile like that, something more natural, makes her relax her shoulders as the food comes. ]
Yeah, and after a talk like that? This looks delicious.
[ Just let her grab the knife and cut the meat... she is absolutely starving and this will be all worth it, she's sure about it. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
CS2 ENDGAME SPOILERS
[But, ah, yes. She's hit the nail on the head, which doesn't surprise him.]
...Yeah.
Back in December, when I first started remembering things, I remembered being in the cockpit of something, staring down a giant blue robot. [A pause, then a scoff.] I told you it only got more anime from there.
But I remembered it – or, rather, who was in it – talking to me, and I remembered how much it hurt to hear how... dead they sounded before they kicked my ass.
And I've been trying ever since to pretend I didn't know exactly who was in there, but there's no denying it anymore. I don't know how or why, but I know Crow betrayed us in our past lives. Even if Crow hadn't confirmed it himself on Retrospec, my memories have.
[And as hard as that was to admit, the next part is clearly harder.]
When you attacked him... I didn't even see you. I was back in that cockpit again, and the two of us were facing off against another robot. Red, this time. Crow went charging forward, it stabbed its tail into the ground...
[He swallows hard, staring down at the table.]
And it came out in front of and went straight through Crow.
["I'm fine! It barely scratched me!" Rean wants to believe those words, but... he'd just be lying to himself again, wouldn't he?]
And all I could think was "not again, never again—" and that's when I lost it.
no subject
[ She can't do much. That's something she's absolutely certain about, at least.
But listening to him?
This, she can do. ]
And I get it. Hurting somebody, it—
[ It's subtle, but he'll probably notice how her voice cracks just talking about it; how guilt seems to eat at her as she squeezes his hand a little tighter.
She doesn't want to let go.
Because just thinking about it is terrifying in every right. And she hates just how weak and dependent she truly is. How she wants to cling and not be alone anymore, but feels like she has to be alone because she doesn't deserve people being close to her. Two contradictory thoughts. ]
Anyway, you're probably thinking too much. Honestly, the whole 'past life' memory crap is going to leave you with more questions than answers and you might not even get those answers if your past self doesn't remember it, either. Anyway, I think that part should either be left aside for now or. You could talk to the others about it.
But... [ She smiles at him, just a little fond. ] You really care about him a lot, don't you? Enough that you don't want to lose him. I don't think that's a bad thing. I'll support whatever decision you'll make — ah, unless it's really stupid, then I'll have to intervene.
no subject
[And he still can't manage to look at her.]
But it's... really, really hard to separate the two. I have so many other memories that match up so well with who I know Crow to be in this life, so many little patterns we find ourselves falling into that are just the same.
And I wish I could say, "well, obviously, that's who Crow is. You know him." But then I have these memories of him sounding just hollow, of him knocking me flat and mocking me without remorse... and the thing is, even in this life? I know I don't know everything there is to know about Crow.
I don't know everything there is to know about you, and I've known you practically my whole life. I've only known Crow a couple of months. And even in these few months, I've found out he's been hiding things from us. There's more that he's hiding, I'm sure of it.
[It's now that he looks up at her, uncertain and frightened. He'd never show this part of himself to anyone else, not so openly.]
...but I can ignore all of that, you know? I can deal with that as it comes.
But I already lost him once before. And with the way things are now, with the layers and Vanderwheele and everything else... there's a very real possibility I'll be in a situation again where there's nothing I can do to save him.
If... if I lose him again...
["I don't know what I'm going to do," he wants to say, but... no. That's a lie.
He knows. He just hates the answer, and he knows she would, too.]
no subject
Like wondering if, well, because someone is like this in memories you recall that maybe it's definitely like that. Like they're too similar, so you can't help but ask yourself questions. You know what, maybe I'm lucky that I don't share memories with other people. I'd get way too paranoid.
[ Raina, you're already too paranoid... although she does see that look on his face, so vulnerable and it makes her heart twist to see her brother, the person she looks up to, like this. ]
Putting that aside, though, I don't think you have to worry. If he is hiding things from you, I think it'll just need some time. Best not to force it.
As for the latter, if you're really that worried about losing him again, that's when you should talk to someone about it, right? You shouldn't have to carry these burdens by yourself. And there's plenty of people that would want to help, you know?
I know it's a little hypocritical of me to say that, as someone who doesn't really have friends, but... yeah.
no subject
[Stupid, or just embarrassing because even he knows how gay that sounds? It is a mystery.]
If you think that, though... I think I'd rather believe in that from you than from myself.
[He shakes his head a little at the last bit]
I know I should, but it's been part of the reason I've been afraid to reach out to them. None of that is really news I know how to break.
no subject
[ She can't help but chuckle a bit. Yeah, it's definitely gay, but Raina sure isn't going to admit that. ]
Sorry, sorry, I couldn't help myself. But I think that you should try believing in yourself a little more. And if you're scared...
[ She remembers being afraid to open up to people, as Inaba. Saying that they wouldn't accept her, and that things would wind up worse rather than better.
Maybe...
Just maybe... ]
If you're afraid to tell them by yourself, I can come with you to back you up. And maybe practicing what you want to say might help...? Only if you want to.
no subject
...tch. I'm that obvious, huh? [He shakes his head a little.] It's fine. You can go ahead and tease, if it's just us.
[As for her offer, he smiles at her a bit more genuinely.]
...Thanks, Raina. I mean it. I don't know if I'll take you up on that right now or not, but I'll definitely keep it in mind.
no subject
[ And she remembers very well conversations with Taichi, figuring him out felt easy. Calling Taichi out that he liked someone else (not her, it couldn't have been her) was easy. But it hurt to admit it.
But he couldn't see through her, so at the time?
It was fine.
And, well, seeing Rean like this reminds her of that, just a little bit. ]
But don't worry, I'll support your relationship if you do decide to go for it. And if things go wrong, I'll be here for that, too. Anyway, you don't have to rush into things. You can just take your time.
[ Her smile tugs a little brighter as she squeezes his hand one more time and she finally lets go of him. ]
I think they're finally here with our food, so let's just eat.
no subject
Thanks. Right now... I think I just want to see where dealing with all of this goes. After that, who knows?
[His smile's a little brighter, too, a huge weight looking like it's lifted from his shoulders.]
Yeah. I'm starving.
no subject
And seeing him smile like that, something more natural, makes her relax her shoulders as the food comes. ]
Yeah, and after a talk like that? This looks delicious.
[ Just let her grab the knife and cut the meat... she is absolutely starving and this will be all worth it, she's sure about it. ]