I'll answer all of it. I've never felt like I've deserved it. Not when I struggle every time with trusting others. You know what I said earlier, right? About not wanting to make friends because —
...
That applies to me, too. And I should have pushed you away from the very beginning. Because I can't help it. The more you speak like that, the more it hurts, because it reminds me so much of him and I can't do this again—
It's... my stupid hangups again. Even if I tell myself that you're different people, and I know you are. But you've been kind to me and saying things like that, and I can't help but remember. What happened at the Hotel.
I don't want a repeat of that. I don't want. . . to have feelings for someone and watch them all die again.
That's why. . . I struggled coming back after I died. Because I could finally go back to my real body, and I don't have to feel constantly like a fake.
[It's like a lead weight has been dropped into his gut, and Inaba can probably see the hurricane of emotions he's feeling in his distressed, horrified expression.
He'd wanted to go home since he got here.
But dying for it...? What if it didn't-- What if he...]
....I could have gone home all this time....?
[he slumps back against the stall he's been leaning against, sliding until his rear hits the floor as if a puppet with his strings cut.]
[Atsushi flinches, wrapping his arms around his legs tightly as he presses his eyes into his knees. It's that obvious, huh...?]
...I won't. Can't.
[Knows it in his bones, with every fiber of his being. As much as he missed home, missed everyone there, he couldn't do it.]
I-I... Why did it have to be that? Why did it have to be...
[He chokes out the words, trembling a little. He's never been someone with grand life goals, desires or dreams. Never been one of those children at the orphanage who talked loudly of becoming rich or famous, of getting out and making something of themselves when they were all nothing.
All he'd ever wanted was just to survive another day. To live, to be free someday.]
[ She shouldn't apologize, she's shouldn't be kind, but she winds up apologizing anyway.
She wants to say it so many times-
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything.
I'm sorry, I fucked up like I always do.
I'm sorry--
But she can't. Her hand reaches out to him, but she doesn't think that she's worthy of his grace to actually do it. But then she finally, finally decides to just...
Do what she wants.
Even if it hurts.
Because it hurts so much. But she crouches down and without saying another word, wraps her arms around him, if he doesn't push her away. ]
[Normally, Atsushi would be telling her it's nothing to be sorry about. It's not her fault this place is like this... not her fault he's like this, a coward who clung to his life because for so long it was the only thing he'd ever had, in spite of all other's attempts to change that.
When she crouches down, he hesitates to raise his head, but it turns out he doesn't have to. There's arms wrapping around him, and he lets out a small, helpless noise before wrapping his arms around her tightly, clinging to her like an anchor.
He wanted to go home, but he didn't want to die.
...It was ironic that he'd been hoping to comfort her, and yet here they are now, Inaba comforting him instead. Ironic, and pathetic.]
[ It's totally unfair and she earnestly hates that she had to be the one to stab the proverbial knife in this Atsushi's chest. A part of her feels glad that they're not in a place around cameras because she earnestly wants to cry right now.
But she doesn't.
Not because she wouldn't want to cry, but rather she doesn't want to hurt Atsushi any further by looking more upset than she already was.
Because seeing him like this just tears her heart apart, just like--
The screams from that time.
It wasn't even too long ago that she heard it.
Nevertheless, she does hold him a little tighter, slightly trembling but trying so damn hard not to. Because she's very much aware of how weak she is. Of how weak she feels. And it's just so easy to just... be a little vulnerable here, in front of him. ]
I'll stay with you. For as long as you want me to. If. . . that's what you want.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[His gaze is a little pleading. He doesn't... it hurts, seeing her like this. Isolating herself.]
It's not about deserving it or not. I want to help. And... you're not fine, Inaba-chan.
[He almost regrets saying it aloud, denying her that security, but...
She wasn't. He could see it.]
Please, if I can help even a little... let me help you.
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[ She says those words rather harshly.
But when he says that she freezes. Tenses up, actually. He can't just tear down the walls that she had tried to build up back again. ]
But I'm fine. Even if I'm dealing with this bullshit again, I'm fine. I have to be.
[ If she isn't, then... what's the point? ]
And I already said it. You can't help me, Atsushi. So stop.
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[He didn't mean to raise his voice, but that denial hurt. She helped him. She treated him like a human being. Didn't she understand?]
You're not. Not to me.
[He looks a little stricken, more than a little sad.]
....Why can't I? When you've already helped me so much...
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She laughs a little bitterly under her breath as she looks at him with an empty expression, her voice hollow. ]
Because it hurts when you say kind words like that to me. Isn't that enough?
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Why? Why did it... Was he really hurting her?
He didn't want to hurt her, but...]
....Why?
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[He droops.]
Why does it hurt that I care about you? Why do you think you don't deserve it?
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I'll answer all of it. I've never felt like I've deserved it. Not when I struggle every time with trusting others. You know what I said earlier, right? About not wanting to make friends because —
...
That applies to me, too. And I should have pushed you away from the very beginning. Because I can't help it. The more you speak like that, the more it hurts, because it reminds me so much of him and I can't do this again—
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[Her second part, however, gives him pause.]
...I-I.... I suppose it is cruel of me, to want to spend time with you when you miss him so much, but I... What do you mean 'Again'?
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It's... my stupid hangups again. Even if I tell myself that you're different people, and I know you are. But you've been kind to me and saying things like that, and I can't help but remember. What happened at the Hotel.
I don't want a repeat of that. I don't want. . . to have feelings for someone and watch them all die again.
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[It's said firmly. If nothing else, his drive to live had always been stronger than his lack of self worth.]
And because of that, I feel the same way as you. I want you to live too, because I don't want to see a friend suffering or worse. I want to help you.
cw suicidal ideation
I almost chose not to.
And I could have gone home that way.
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What... What do you mean?
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If you die and your soul doesn't get put into a new body, it returns back to the world you're from.
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[It's insane. It's absolutely, completely insane... but Inaba has no reason to lie to him, and at the same time it makes a twisted kind of sense.]
....Does it go back to your body there?
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That's why. . . I struggled coming back after I died. Because I could finally go back to my real body, and I don't have to feel constantly like a fake.
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[It's like a lead weight has been dropped into his gut, and Inaba can probably see the hurricane of emotions he's feeling in his distressed, horrified expression.
He'd wanted to go home since he got here.
But dying for it...? What if it didn't-- What if he...]
....I could have gone home all this time....?
[he slumps back against the stall he's been leaning against, sliding until his rear hits the floor as if a puppet with his strings cut.]
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[ She's quiet, and maybe she shouldn't actually help him. Maybe she shouldn't- ]
Don't you fucking dare do it just because I said it. If you're going to go home, you're going to do it some other way.
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...I won't. Can't.
[Knows it in his bones, with every fiber of his being. As much as he missed home, missed everyone there, he couldn't do it.]
I-I... Why did it have to be that? Why did it have to be...
[He chokes out the words, trembling a little. He's never been someone with grand life goals, desires or dreams. Never been one of those children at the orphanage who talked loudly of becoming rich or famous, of getting out and making something of themselves when they were all nothing.
All he'd ever wanted was just to survive another day. To live, to be free someday.]
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[ She shouldn't apologize, she's shouldn't be kind, but she winds up apologizing anyway.
She wants to say it so many times-
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything.
I'm sorry, I fucked up like I always do.
I'm sorry--
But she can't. Her hand reaches out to him, but she doesn't think that she's worthy
of his graceto actually do it. But then she finally, finally decides to just...Do what she wants.
Even if it hurts.
Because it hurts so much. But she crouches down and without saying another word, wraps her arms around him, if he doesn't push her away. ]
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When she crouches down, he hesitates to raise his head, but it turns out he doesn't have to. There's arms wrapping around him, and he lets out a small, helpless noise before wrapping his arms around her tightly, clinging to her like an anchor.
He wanted to go home, but he didn't want to die.
...It was ironic that he'd been hoping to comfort her, and yet here they are now, Inaba comforting him instead. Ironic, and pathetic.]
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But she doesn't.
Not because she wouldn't want to cry, but rather she doesn't want to hurt Atsushi any further by looking more upset than she already was.
Because seeing him like this just tears her heart apart, just like--
The screams from that time.
It wasn't even too long ago that she heard it.
Nevertheless, she does hold him a little tighter, slightly trembling but trying so damn hard not to. Because she's very much aware of how weak she is. Of how weak she feels. And it's just so easy to just... be a little vulnerable here, in front of him. ]
I'll stay with you. For as long as you want me to. If. . . that's what you want.