[ She laughs a little bit bitterly that it's almost like someone who's used to having their coffee with sugar in it was suddenly drinking it black; a mistake in a Starbucks order.
Her hands move to grab his own wrists as if that would somehow stabilize her.
But it doesn't, not entirely. Her gaze drops a bit because guilt eats at the pit of her stomach at his words. ]
I didn't help much in alleviating your fears since I kept on volunteering when I had the chance to. . . Even when I was very much aware that I could have died. But I always thought that it would have been better if it was me, not them. If I could protect the others. . .
I'm an idiot, though. I knew that it would hurt you if I did that.
[ Her grip tighens ever so slightly; she doesn't want to let him go. She wants to stay with him. Even if they can come back to life, that doesn't change the simple fact that death is scary. That being alive is honestly a good thing. ]
But in that case. . . whatever you need to say, I want to hear it. And whatever you want to do, I want you to be able to do it. Life is just too goddamn short to have regrets.
You're right. It was terrifying to watch. Every time you volunteered yourself, it felt like my heart was being squeezed. If you had actually died, I...I don't...
[He closes his eyes, and he squeezes her hand back.]
But it kept others from being in that position, didn't it? By volunteering, you protected others. Even if it was hard to watch, I'm glad you did it. Because you helped the others, you spared them from death and trauma. ...well, more trauma, I guess.
I was fearful, but you know what? I'm proud of you too.
[ Inaba honestly doesn't have any good words that she can say to that. Instead, she just slips her eyes shit and listens to his words and steadies her breathing.
Although she laughs a bit at what he says at the end, though. ]
I really didn't do that much for you to be that proud of me, Atsushi. I almost died several times back there. I had to be saved by other people because I couldn't do anything for myself.
[ In a lot of ways, she still feels inadequate. That's why she wants so badly to do something to change herself; she's wanted that for the longest time, because she's always seen herself as 'dark', as someone who had difficulties seeing the light. ]
And there were so many times when I just backslid. I thought of myself as a monster that didn't deserve anything, and I wanted so badly to go back home. Even if that meant. . .
[ She shakes her head. ]
But that's not the kind of person I am now. I'm different now. From both my past self and my 'future' self that was written down. And I think that maybe I can finally move forward.
I. . . want to do something in this world that only I can do. And I want to be able to do as much as I can for you. But more importantly, I just want to be with you right now and just not think too much about everything. If you'll allow me.
Because I love you so much, Atsushi. I don't want to let you go again.
Then don't let go. Let's just be together right now.
[There's a lot he wants to say about Inaba's self-confidence and everything that's happened in the last few weeks, but he holds off on that. They will have plenty of time for that later. Inaba has already said she doesn't want to think right now, and Atsushi is going to respect that.
He also doesn't want to kill the mood. Because as supportive as he's being, he's still a teenager with his girlfriend in his lap, and he's just been told that he can finally have sex without mauling anyone. He definitely wants to support Inaba's wants in a physical way, if he can.]
[ Hearing something like that is really earnestly sweet.
It's in a way that she honestly feels like she doesn't deserve, sometimes. But talking about everything - about how she actually feels about things is definitely an unfortunate mood killer, and she's honestly relieved that he understands that.
They can talk about it all later.
When she's not so focused on wanting him in so many ways that she's thought about the last couple of weeks. Which is why, with another squeeze of his hands, she leans in to kiss him once again, yearning and needy and wanting. ]
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no subject
Her hands move to grab his own wrists as if that would somehow stabilize her.
But it doesn't, not entirely. Her gaze drops a bit because guilt eats at the pit of her stomach at his words. ]
I didn't help much in alleviating your fears since I kept on volunteering when I had the chance to. . . Even when I was very much aware that I could have died. But I always thought that it would have been better if it was me, not them. If I could protect the others. . .
I'm an idiot, though. I knew that it would hurt you if I did that.
[ Her grip tighens ever so slightly; she doesn't want to let him go. She wants to stay with him. Even if they can come back to life, that doesn't change the simple fact that death is scary. That being alive is honestly a good thing. ]
But in that case. . . whatever you need to say, I want to hear it. And whatever you want to do, I want you to be able to do it. Life is just too goddamn short to have regrets.
no subject
[He closes his eyes, and he squeezes her hand back.]
But it kept others from being in that position, didn't it? By volunteering, you protected others. Even if it was hard to watch, I'm glad you did it. Because you helped the others, you spared them from death and trauma. ...well, more trauma, I guess.
I was fearful, but you know what? I'm proud of you too.
cw suicidal ideation
Although she laughs a bit at what he says at the end, though. ]
I really didn't do that much for you to be that proud of me, Atsushi. I almost died several times back there. I had to be saved by other people because I couldn't do anything for myself.
[ In a lot of ways, she still feels inadequate. That's why she wants so badly to do something to change herself; she's wanted that for the longest time, because she's always seen herself as 'dark', as someone who had difficulties seeing the light. ]
And there were so many times when I just backslid. I thought of myself as a monster that didn't deserve anything, and I wanted so badly to go back home. Even if that meant. . .
[ She shakes her head. ]
But that's not the kind of person I am now. I'm different now. From both my past self and my 'future' self that was written down. And I think that maybe I can finally move forward.
I. . . want to do something in this world that only I can do. And I want to be able to do as much as I can for you. But more importantly, I just want to be with you right now and just not think too much about everything. If you'll allow me.
Because I love you so much, Atsushi. I don't want to let you go again.
no subject
[There's a lot he wants to say about Inaba's self-confidence and everything that's happened in the last few weeks, but he holds off on that. They will have plenty of time for that later. Inaba has already said she doesn't want to think right now, and Atsushi is going to respect that.
He also doesn't want to kill the mood. Because as supportive as he's being, he's still a teenager with his girlfriend in his lap, and he's just been told that he can finally have sex without mauling anyone. He definitely wants to support Inaba's wants in a physical way, if he can.]
no subject
It's in a way that she honestly feels like she doesn't deserve, sometimes. But talking about everything - about how she actually feels about things is definitely an unfortunate mood killer, and she's honestly relieved that he understands that.
They can talk about it all later.
When she's not so focused on wanting him in so many ways that she's thought about the last couple of weeks. Which is why, with another squeeze of his hands, she leans in to kiss him once again, yearning and needy and wanting. ]