Then, there's a few things that I should say. It's okay to be scared of what you don't understand or know too much about. Honestly, I'd be scared, too.
[ While her voice might try to be gentle, there's a slight waver there that catches slightly. And he'll feel that her fingers on his arm are trembling a bit, too. ]
Also, as your sister, rather than your friend, I know it's all fiction but maybe if whatever plan Eren has in mind doesn't work, you might want to fall back on a Plan B. There's a lot of anime that cover this sort of thing, so I could suggest that to you to watch it and see if anything they do to solve those sorts of problems might help... Although it's kind of stupid, isn't it?
I do have other things I could suggest that might be helpful off the top of my head based on what you told me, too, if you want to hear those, but that's more of "the friend" talking rather than "your sister". If you want to hear it.
[He notices her trembling, and his response is just to move his arm out from under her hand so that he can take her hand in his.
They'll be scared together.]
Heh... it's not that stupid. This whole thing is already like something straight out of an anime, and it's only going to get more ridiculous from here. Really, at this point, I might as well.
[ Even when she's just as scared as he is, he's still supporting her. It's that kind of thing that makes her believe that he can make it through this, even when they both feel so weak and powerless-- when they both feel so human.
She closes her eyes for a bit, squeezing his hand when it's in her own, to show him that Raina is here for him in spite of those fears. ]
Well, you might want to try meditating on it. It seems that based on the story you told me, and what happened last month... It's a part of you, but also seems to react to darker emotions. I think if you utilize that to try and reach out to it, attempt to understand and accept it instead of running away, it might help.
[ And then she smiles, something a little bitter. ]
Although it's probably a lot easier said than done.
[They are both so human, and this is so far beyond either of them. This isn't something that happens to real people... and yet here they are.
He squeezes her hand back.]
Easier said than done, yes, but... I can't deny you have a point. I think... it's trying to protect people, but some good that does if I don't really have control over it and it's not really capable of discerning friend from foe. [He gives a soft, bitter laugh.] And here I thought that whole Valentine's thing was bad enough. Apparently not.
[And that's when he goes quiet for a moment, squeezing her hand tighter and avoiding her gaze as his face falls. Eventually, he manages a troubled sigh.]
Although... based on something else I remembered during all that. I think I know why it got so violent then, in particular.
[ "Trying to protect people", huh. For a flicker of a second, Raina can't help a rather faint chuckle escape her lips, because that ideal — that concept? It really is like him to have something like that, isn't it?
It suits him. ]
That's true.
[ With a free hand she rests it under her chin, humming rather contemplatively as she mulls it all over in her head. Coming up with ideas to counteract things was always her forte, and even if she's probably the most normal person to get the application, even if she has no powers and abilities - things that she was initially jealous of, but now she'd honestly prefer it this way - Raina thinks that at the very least, she can assist her brother with words of support.
She'll have his back. ]
I wonder... And obviously this is just a guess, so take it with a grain of salt, if it doesn't actually understand the concepts? Like maybe it's something that needs to be taught. [ She laughs a little before running a hand through her bangs. ] Geez, this really does sound stupid, but it's the first thing I thought of. And honestly, Valentine's Day is cancelled. It's the worst holiday now, in my book.
[ Not just because of what Rean did during that time, but because of her memory that she's been keeping from him, too.
When he squeezes her hand a little tighter, she can't help but shift her gaze towards it for a moment before looking back up at him straight, even if she's worried about what he might follow up with. ]
What is it? Does it have something to do with the other thing you were going to talk to me about, or...?
Heh... well, that's the goal. Doesn't hurt to go at it from more than one direction, though, so I'll do my best. The last thing my past self ever wanted was for this thing to hurt someone I loved... and now, all I want is to make sure it never does that – or worse – again.
[But, ah, yes. She's hit the nail on the head, which doesn't surprise him.]
...Yeah.
Back in December, when I first started remembering things, I remembered being in the cockpit of something, staring down a giant blue robot. [A pause, then a scoff.] I told you it only got more anime from there.
But I remembered it – or, rather, who was in it – talking to me, and I remembered how much it hurt to hear how... dead they sounded before they kicked my ass.
And I've been trying ever since to pretend I didn't know exactly who was in there, but there's no denying it anymore. I don't know how or why, but I know Crow betrayed us in our past lives. Even if Crow hadn't confirmed it himself on Retrospec, my memories have.
[And as hard as that was to admit, the next part is clearly harder.]
When you attacked him... I didn't even see you. I was back in that cockpit again, and the two of us were facing off against another robot. Red, this time. Crow went charging forward, it stabbed its tail into the ground...
[He swallows hard, staring down at the table.]
And it came out in front of and went straight through Crow.
["I'm fine! It barely scratched me!" Rean wants to believe those words, but... he'd just be lying to himself again, wouldn't he?]
And all I could think was "not again, never again—" and that's when I lost it.
[ She can't do much. That's something she's absolutely certain about, at least.
But listening to him?
This, she can do. ]
And I get it. Hurting somebody, it—
[ It's subtle, but he'll probably notice how her voice cracks just talking about it; how guilt seems to eat at her as she squeezes his hand a little tighter.
She doesn't want to let go.
Because just thinking about it is terrifying in every right. And she hates just how weak and dependent she truly is. How she wants to cling and not be alone anymore, but feels like she has to be alone because she doesn't deserve people being close to her. Two contradictory thoughts. ]
Anyway, you're probably thinking too much. Honestly, the whole 'past life' memory crap is going to leave you with more questions than answers and you might not even get those answers if your past self doesn't remember it, either. Anyway, I think that part should either be left aside for now or. You could talk to the others about it.
But... [ She smiles at him, just a little fond. ] You really care about him a lot, don't you? Enough that you don't want to lose him. I don't think that's a bad thing. I'll support whatever decision you'll make — ah, unless it's really stupid, then I'll have to intervene.
But it's... really, really hard to separate the two. I have so many other memories that match up so well with who I know Crow to be in this life, so many little patterns we find ourselves falling into that are just the same.
And I wish I could say, "well, obviously, that's who Crow is. You know him." But then I have these memories of him sounding just hollow, of him knocking me flat and mocking me without remorse... and the thing is, even in this life? I know I don't know everything there is to know about Crow.
I don't know everything there is to know about you, and I've known you practically my whole life. I've only known Crow a couple of months. And even in these few months, I've found out he's been hiding things from us. There's more that he's hiding, I'm sure of it.
[It's now that he looks up at her, uncertain and frightened. He'd never show this part of himself to anyone else, not so openly.]
...but I can ignore all of that, you know? I can deal with that as it comes.
But I already lost him once before. And with the way things are now, with the layers and Vanderwheele and everything else... there's a very real possibility I'll be in a situation again where there's nothing I can do to save him.
If... if I lose him again...
["I don't know what I'm going to do," he wants to say, but... no. That's a lie.
He knows. He just hates the answer, and he knows she would, too.]
Yeah, I get a lot of that. Like, for me, I keep finding that me and my past self are way too similar. Since I think about that sort of thing too, you know? Trying to compare the differences and similarities... and sometimes it kind of hurts.
Like wondering if, well, because someone is like this in memories you recall that maybe it's definitely like that. Like they're too similar, so you can't help but ask yourself questions. You know what, maybe I'm lucky that I don't share memories with other people. I'd get way too paranoid.
[ Raina, you're already too paranoid... although she does see that look on his face, so vulnerable and it makes her heart twist to see her brother, the person she looks up to, like this. ]
Putting that aside, though, I don't think you have to worry. If he is hiding things from you, I think it'll just need some time. Best not to force it.
As for the latter, if you're really that worried about losing him again, that's when you should talk to someone about it, right? You shouldn't have to carry these burdens by yourself. And there's plenty of people that would want to help, you know?
I know it's a little hypocritical of me to say that, as someone who doesn't really have friends, but... yeah.
...Yeah. It was nice at first, when we kept finding that even little things had carried over from back then. It's... probably a little stupid to say out loud, but it seemed like it was fate, you know?
[Stupid, or just embarrassing because even he knows how gay that sounds? It is a mystery.]
If you think that, though... I think I'd rather believe in that from you than from myself.
[He shakes his head a little at the last bit]
I know I should, but it's been part of the reason I've been afraid to reach out to them. None of that is really news I know how to break.
[ She can't help but chuckle a bit. Yeah, it's definitely gay, but Raina sure isn't going to admit that. ]
Sorry, sorry, I couldn't help myself. But I think that you should try believing in yourself a little more. And if you're scared...
[ She remembers being afraid to open up to people, as Inaba. Saying that they wouldn't accept her, and that things would wind up worse rather than better.
Maybe...
Just maybe... ]
If you're afraid to tell them by yourself, I can come with you to back you up. And maybe practicing what you want to say might help...? Only if you want to.
You're extremely obvious. But it's okay, because it's just me. I can easily see things like that.
[ And she remembers very well conversations with Taichi, figuring him out felt easy. Calling Taichi out that he liked someone else (not her, it couldn't have been her) was easy. But it hurt to admit it.
But he couldn't see through her, so at the time?
It was fine.
And, well, seeing Rean like this reminds her of that, just a little bit. ]
But don't worry, I'll support your relationship if you do decide to go for it. And if things go wrong, I'll be here for that, too. Anyway, you don't have to rush into things. You can just take your time.
[ Her smile tugs a little brighter as she squeezes his hand one more time and she finally lets go of him. ]
I think they're finally here with our food, so let's just eat.
[Rean seems calmed by that promise, at least. He can't trust in much, right now, but after talking everything out, he definitely trusts Raina with this.]
Thanks. Right now... I think I just want to see where dealing with all of this goes. After that, who knows?
[His smile's a little brighter, too, a huge weight looking like it's lifted from his shoulders.]
[ The fact that he trusts her with so much - and she can see that; after all, would he have said anything if he didn't trust her to begin with? - is honestly rather astounding in her eyes sometimes.
And seeing him smile like that, something more natural, makes her relax her shoulders as the food comes. ]
Yeah, and after a talk like that? This looks delicious.
[ Just let her grab the knife and cut the meat... she is absolutely starving and this will be all worth it, she's sure about it. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ While her voice might try to be gentle, there's a slight waver there that catches slightly. And he'll feel that her fingers on his arm are trembling a bit, too. ]
Also, as your sister, rather than your friend, I know it's all fiction but maybe if whatever plan Eren has in mind doesn't work, you might want to fall back on a Plan B. There's a lot of anime that cover this sort of thing, so I could suggest that to you to watch it and see if anything they do to solve those sorts of problems might help... Although it's kind of stupid, isn't it?
I do have other things I could suggest that might be helpful off the top of my head based on what you told me, too, if you want to hear those, but that's more of "the friend" talking rather than "your sister". If you want to hear it.
no subject
They'll be scared together.]
Heh... it's not that stupid. This whole thing is already like something straight out of an anime, and it's only going to get more ridiculous from here. Really, at this point, I might as well.
I'm willing to hear whatever you have, though.
no subject
She closes her eyes for a bit, squeezing his hand when it's in her own, to show him that Raina is here for him in spite of those fears. ]
Well, you might want to try meditating on it. It seems that based on the story you told me, and what happened last month... It's a part of you, but also seems to react to darker emotions. I think if you utilize that to try and reach out to it, attempt to understand and accept it instead of running away, it might help.
[ And then she smiles, something a little bitter. ]
Although it's probably a lot easier said than done.
no subject
He squeezes her hand back.]
Easier said than done, yes, but... I can't deny you have a point. I think... it's trying to protect people, but some good that does if I don't really have control over it and it's not really capable of discerning friend from foe. [He gives a soft, bitter laugh.] And here I thought that whole Valentine's thing was bad enough. Apparently not.
[And that's when he goes quiet for a moment, squeezing her hand tighter and avoiding her gaze as his face falls. Eventually, he manages a troubled sigh.]
Although... based on something else I remembered during all that. I think I know why it got so violent then, in particular.
no subject
It suits him. ]
That's true.
[ With a free hand she rests it under her chin, humming rather contemplatively as she mulls it all over in her head. Coming up with ideas to counteract things was always her forte, and even if she's probably the most normal person to get the application, even if she has no powers and abilities - things that she was initially jealous of, but now she'd honestly prefer it this way - Raina thinks that at the very least, she can assist her brother with words of support.
She'll have his back. ]
I wonder... And obviously this is just a guess, so take it with a grain of salt, if it doesn't actually understand the concepts? Like maybe it's something that needs to be taught. [ She laughs a little before running a hand through her bangs. ] Geez, this really does sound stupid, but it's the first thing I thought of. And honestly, Valentine's Day is cancelled. It's the worst holiday now, in my book.
[ Not just because of what Rean did during that time, but because of her memory that she's been keeping from him, too.
When he squeezes her hand a little tighter, she can't help but shift her gaze towards it for a moment before looking back up at him straight, even if she's worried about what he might follow up with. ]
What is it? Does it have something to do with the other thing you were going to talk to me about, or...?
CS2 ENDGAME SPOILERS
[But, ah, yes. She's hit the nail on the head, which doesn't surprise him.]
...Yeah.
Back in December, when I first started remembering things, I remembered being in the cockpit of something, staring down a giant blue robot. [A pause, then a scoff.] I told you it only got more anime from there.
But I remembered it – or, rather, who was in it – talking to me, and I remembered how much it hurt to hear how... dead they sounded before they kicked my ass.
And I've been trying ever since to pretend I didn't know exactly who was in there, but there's no denying it anymore. I don't know how or why, but I know Crow betrayed us in our past lives. Even if Crow hadn't confirmed it himself on Retrospec, my memories have.
[And as hard as that was to admit, the next part is clearly harder.]
When you attacked him... I didn't even see you. I was back in that cockpit again, and the two of us were facing off against another robot. Red, this time. Crow went charging forward, it stabbed its tail into the ground...
[He swallows hard, staring down at the table.]
And it came out in front of and went straight through Crow.
["I'm fine! It barely scratched me!" Rean wants to believe those words, but... he'd just be lying to himself again, wouldn't he?]
And all I could think was "not again, never again—" and that's when I lost it.
no subject
[ She can't do much. That's something she's absolutely certain about, at least.
But listening to him?
This, she can do. ]
And I get it. Hurting somebody, it—
[ It's subtle, but he'll probably notice how her voice cracks just talking about it; how guilt seems to eat at her as she squeezes his hand a little tighter.
She doesn't want to let go.
Because just thinking about it is terrifying in every right. And she hates just how weak and dependent she truly is. How she wants to cling and not be alone anymore, but feels like she has to be alone because she doesn't deserve people being close to her. Two contradictory thoughts. ]
Anyway, you're probably thinking too much. Honestly, the whole 'past life' memory crap is going to leave you with more questions than answers and you might not even get those answers if your past self doesn't remember it, either. Anyway, I think that part should either be left aside for now or. You could talk to the others about it.
But... [ She smiles at him, just a little fond. ] You really care about him a lot, don't you? Enough that you don't want to lose him. I don't think that's a bad thing. I'll support whatever decision you'll make — ah, unless it's really stupid, then I'll have to intervene.
no subject
[And he still can't manage to look at her.]
But it's... really, really hard to separate the two. I have so many other memories that match up so well with who I know Crow to be in this life, so many little patterns we find ourselves falling into that are just the same.
And I wish I could say, "well, obviously, that's who Crow is. You know him." But then I have these memories of him sounding just hollow, of him knocking me flat and mocking me without remorse... and the thing is, even in this life? I know I don't know everything there is to know about Crow.
I don't know everything there is to know about you, and I've known you practically my whole life. I've only known Crow a couple of months. And even in these few months, I've found out he's been hiding things from us. There's more that he's hiding, I'm sure of it.
[It's now that he looks up at her, uncertain and frightened. He'd never show this part of himself to anyone else, not so openly.]
...but I can ignore all of that, you know? I can deal with that as it comes.
But I already lost him once before. And with the way things are now, with the layers and Vanderwheele and everything else... there's a very real possibility I'll be in a situation again where there's nothing I can do to save him.
If... if I lose him again...
["I don't know what I'm going to do," he wants to say, but... no. That's a lie.
He knows. He just hates the answer, and he knows she would, too.]
no subject
Like wondering if, well, because someone is like this in memories you recall that maybe it's definitely like that. Like they're too similar, so you can't help but ask yourself questions. You know what, maybe I'm lucky that I don't share memories with other people. I'd get way too paranoid.
[ Raina, you're already too paranoid... although she does see that look on his face, so vulnerable and it makes her heart twist to see her brother, the person she looks up to, like this. ]
Putting that aside, though, I don't think you have to worry. If he is hiding things from you, I think it'll just need some time. Best not to force it.
As for the latter, if you're really that worried about losing him again, that's when you should talk to someone about it, right? You shouldn't have to carry these burdens by yourself. And there's plenty of people that would want to help, you know?
I know it's a little hypocritical of me to say that, as someone who doesn't really have friends, but... yeah.
no subject
[Stupid, or just embarrassing because even he knows how gay that sounds? It is a mystery.]
If you think that, though... I think I'd rather believe in that from you than from myself.
[He shakes his head a little at the last bit]
I know I should, but it's been part of the reason I've been afraid to reach out to them. None of that is really news I know how to break.
no subject
[ She can't help but chuckle a bit. Yeah, it's definitely gay, but Raina sure isn't going to admit that. ]
Sorry, sorry, I couldn't help myself. But I think that you should try believing in yourself a little more. And if you're scared...
[ She remembers being afraid to open up to people, as Inaba. Saying that they wouldn't accept her, and that things would wind up worse rather than better.
Maybe...
Just maybe... ]
If you're afraid to tell them by yourself, I can come with you to back you up. And maybe practicing what you want to say might help...? Only if you want to.
no subject
...tch. I'm that obvious, huh? [He shakes his head a little.] It's fine. You can go ahead and tease, if it's just us.
[As for her offer, he smiles at her a bit more genuinely.]
...Thanks, Raina. I mean it. I don't know if I'll take you up on that right now or not, but I'll definitely keep it in mind.
no subject
[ And she remembers very well conversations with Taichi, figuring him out felt easy. Calling Taichi out that he liked someone else (not her, it couldn't have been her) was easy. But it hurt to admit it.
But he couldn't see through her, so at the time?
It was fine.
And, well, seeing Rean like this reminds her of that, just a little bit. ]
But don't worry, I'll support your relationship if you do decide to go for it. And if things go wrong, I'll be here for that, too. Anyway, you don't have to rush into things. You can just take your time.
[ Her smile tugs a little brighter as she squeezes his hand one more time and she finally lets go of him. ]
I think they're finally here with our food, so let's just eat.
no subject
Thanks. Right now... I think I just want to see where dealing with all of this goes. After that, who knows?
[His smile's a little brighter, too, a huge weight looking like it's lifted from his shoulders.]
Yeah. I'm starving.
no subject
And seeing him smile like that, something more natural, makes her relax her shoulders as the food comes. ]
Yeah, and after a talk like that? This looks delicious.
[ Just let her grab the knife and cut the meat... she is absolutely starving and this will be all worth it, she's sure about it. ]