I did want to talk to you seriously, though. Since I found out something really interesting. Although you might have already noticed it, if you went to visit Dazai.
....I didn't know that. I didn't really-- I was too focused on Dazai to really look around.
[...Exactly what did he do for Atsushi not to pay that much attention?]
That's the thing, though... he warned me. Not to get close to him, because he would hurt me. But he sounded like he didn't want to. He even sounded apologetic when he told me this 'game' would be unpleasant for me.
[People who didn't care didn't do that. It made no sense, if this Dazai's heart was 'Mafia black' and he was running this game out of indifference. There was more going on.]
It's fine. But I thought it was important for you to know. Because it makes a lot of things just. . . add up a little more.
[ The more she thought about it, the more things made sense.
About this SCP. ]
. . .
[ She sighs a little bit before leaning against the wall. ]
He's- [...] Geez. I hate that I'm saying this. But I understand his mindset completely. I think Dazai might be a little similar to me, in some aspects.
[ ugly laughing internally alone with salad ]
Dazai's playing up the role of the 'evil mafioso' in public. And more than that, he's. . . stupid. He doesn't think that he can make friends in eight weeks. And more than that-
[ A beat. ]
When I was talking to him, he was going to say something to make fun of me at some point but he stopped himself and told me to leave. He pushed me out of the room and there was just this look on his face.
Yeah. . . we kind of ended up drinking a glass and I asked him why he would drink, and-
[ She sighs. ]
He said it would be for drinking with friends. He followed up with calling me an acquaintance and I told him that he was talking as if he couldn't make any friends, to which he followed up by saying there isn't enough time.
[ Another sigh. She sounds so goddamn tired. ]
I think so. I- [...] I used to be like that. To be honest, I was prepared to go back to that in this place. Because I knew the whole time that it was very likely to be a repeat of the Hotel. And it would be so much easier to push everyone away so I won't get hurt.
Being an observer is easier, after all. Watching is so, so easy. Even more so when you've convinced yourself that you're a 'bad person'. I guess for him it's. . .
He can excuse it by saying that he's a mafia exec. That he's killed people before, that he's done so, so many other crimes. It makes it easy to just go back to the norm. Besides. Why care about anyone when the Foundation wants bloodshed? When they want an excuse to get rid of all 6350s?
...Not that he thinks that matters much to Dazai. He'd done worse and far more illegal, after all.
He leans back against a bathroom stall, frowning a little after a moment. It made sense, in a way. Dazai kept saying he'd hurt him, that he'd use him and throw him away, but the way he'd sounded...
He'd sounded like he didn't want to. Apologetic, even.]
That's actually why I had to talk to him, yesterday. It would be just like Dazai-san to go along with this until he can stop it. Or... change something. Break the game from the inside by playing along with it until he could. But that's my Dazai-san. I don't know this one, not really.
[A sigh.]
But he's not a bad person. Neither of you are. Bad people don't care.
He started it. I wasn't going to let him drink two glasses, are you nuts?
[ She basically got coerced into it, even if she could have just said no and watch him down those two glasses. ]
Even playing along with it is dangerous, though. Because the pressure is on all of us not to fail. Because if we do, they might just get rid of all the 6350s.
And I'd like to not die again.
[ "Again".
Hmm. ]
I don't know, though. It's going to take a lot of convincing. Hell, even someone like me still thinks that I'm not a good person — and in comparison to Dazai and what he's done in the past? Is pretty much worse than me, comparatively speaking.
But then again, I'm just normal. Bad people can care, though. They can even pretend to, in order to convince someone. I was willing to throw everyone else under the bus just to save the person I care about. Although I failed even that. But I probably would do it again, if I had to.
[Atsushi understood that his... standards, were questionable when measured against most normal people. The ADA was full of people who might be called crazy, selfish or violent. But...]
A person can't be all bad if they care about someone or something, is what I mean. That and their current actions says more about someone's character to me than the things they've done. The Foundation doesn't care about if they hurt us or not. They want an excuse to do so.
[He rubs at his wrist, grimacing slightly at a memory.]
If he's playing out plans of his own here, what do we do?
Maybe we do. But you're not the first person to say that I'm not a bad person.
[ It kind of makes her mind reel slightly before shaking her head to give herself some clarity. ]
But you're right. That's the point of this game. They need a valid reason to get rid of us. They can't just do so easily for. . . whatever reason. Because it's inhumane or something.
[ She folds her arms over her chest, sighing. ]
If he's planning something, then shouldn't we do the same?
...I'm not going to ask you to tell me something that upsets you so much. That's not fair to you.
[Even if he is a little concerned about Inaba, because that expression....]
I don't know if I'm strong enough, either. With the tiger I have physical strength, but... I'm not that clever, or skilled at anything. But we have to try at least.
It's true that it upsets me, but. . . I think you should know, anyway. I want at least one person to know in the off chance that something-- happens.
[ Her voice cracks a little bit at the end there, hugging herself a little bit. ]
And I'm not physically strong. I can't even use the ability that was given to me in this world because the idea of using it scares me too much. All I have is my analytical ability, and even then it's not perfect.
....You shouldn't talk like that. We've got to believe we're going to get out of this.
[He reaches out hesitantly, before gently resting a hand on her shoulder. He wasn't sure what sort of touch would be welcome, but...]
We'll figure something out. If you want to tell me I'll listen, but we will figure something out.
[He's not nearly as confident as he's trying to sound, but Atsushi was nothing if not a survivor. There had to be a way... somehow, some way. He had to believe that there was.]
And if you don't have physical strength, you have me. I... my control isn't the best, but I can fight, and I can handle injuries most people can't. You can use me.
[Most people might think that sort of talk was disturbing, but to Atsushi it just made sense.]
I want to believe in that. But the last time this sort of crap happened, I died-- and that was because I decided to trust in other people!
[ Mafia is bad, actually.
But she doesn't pull away from his touch. Even if she probably should, she doesn't. ]
But. . . did you know that there is a way to go home? Back to our own world?
[ Because she sure does. ]
I-
[ . . . ]
I can't do that. I don't- [ Her voice crackles with hesitation, torn up. ] I don't want that. I couldn't. That. . . would make me no better than that Dazai, from his world.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[He doesn't like how pleased she looks, right now.]
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[ She just smiles for a bit, but then relaxes. ]
I did want to talk to you seriously, though. Since I found out something really interesting. Although you might have already noticed it, if you went to visit Dazai.
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[S I G H.]
I did. He said some things that were interesting as well, actually.
[He tilts his head, giving Inaba a questioning look.]
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[ It's an interesting thing to note, to say the least.
Although... she does cant her head and blink curiously. ]
"Interesting"? Like what?
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[...Exactly what did he do for Atsushi not to pay that much attention?]
That's the thing, though... he warned me. Not to get close to him, because he would hurt me. But he sounded like he didn't want to. He even sounded apologetic when he told me this 'game' would be unpleasant for me.
[People who didn't care didn't do that. It made no sense, if this Dazai's heart was 'Mafia black' and he was running this game out of indifference. There was more going on.]
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[ The more she thought about it, the more things made sense.
About this SCP. ]
. . .
[ She sighs a little bit before leaning against the wall. ]
He's- [...] Geez. I hate that I'm saying this. But I understand his mindset completely. I think Dazai might be a little similar to me, in some aspects.
[ ugly laughing internally alone with salad ]
Dazai's playing up the role of the 'evil mafioso' in public. And more than that, he's. . . stupid. He doesn't think that he can make friends in eight weeks. And more than that-
[ A beat. ]
When I was talking to him, he was going to say something to make fun of me at some point but he stopped himself and told me to leave. He pushed me out of the room and there was just this look on his face.
Like he was. . . worried about someone.
[ It felt way too familiar for her. ]
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[That was... huh. That was different.]
...He told me he had a role to play. He never said anything about friends though.
[And Atsushi had offered. In a way, he had.]
....He's trying not to be close to anyone, isn't he?
cw underage drinking mentions
[ She sighs. ]
He said it would be for drinking with friends. He followed up with calling me an acquaintance and I told him that he was talking as if he couldn't make any friends, to which he followed up by saying there isn't enough time.
[ Another sigh. She sounds so goddamn tired. ]
I think so. I- [...] I used to be like that. To be honest, I was prepared to go back to that in this place. Because I knew the whole time that it was very likely to be a repeat of the Hotel. And it would be so much easier to push everyone away so I won't get hurt.
Being an observer is easier, after all. Watching is so, so easy. Even more so when you've convinced yourself that you're a 'bad person'. I guess for him it's. . .
He can excuse it by saying that he's a mafia exec. That he's killed people before, that he's done so, so many other crimes. It makes it easy to just go back to the norm. Besides. Why care about anyone when the Foundation wants bloodshed? When they want an excuse to get rid of all 6350s?
Re: cw underage drinking mentions
[Inaba please!
...Not that he thinks that matters much to Dazai. He'd done worse and far more illegal, after all.
He leans back against a bathroom stall, frowning a little after a moment. It made sense, in a way. Dazai kept saying he'd hurt him, that he'd use him and throw him away, but the way he'd sounded...
He'd sounded like he didn't want to. Apologetic, even.]
That's actually why I had to talk to him, yesterday. It would be just like Dazai-san to go along with this until he can stop it. Or... change something. Break the game from the inside by playing along with it until he could. But that's my Dazai-san. I don't know this one, not really.
[A sigh.]
But he's not a bad person. Neither of you are. Bad people don't care.
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[ She basically got coerced into it, even if she could have just said no and watch him down those two glasses. ]
Even playing along with it is dangerous, though. Because the pressure is on all of us not to fail. Because if we do, they might just get rid of all the 6350s.
And I'd like to not die again.
[ "Again".
Hmm. ]
I don't know, though. It's going to take a lot of convincing. Hell, even someone like me still thinks that I'm not a good person — and in comparison to Dazai and what he's done in the past? Is pretty much worse than me, comparatively speaking.
But then again, I'm just normal. Bad people can care, though. They can even pretend to, in order to convince someone. I was willing to throw everyone else under the bus just to save the person I care about. Although I failed even that. But I probably would do it again, if I had to.
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[Atsushi understood that his... standards, were questionable when measured against most normal people. The ADA was full of people who might be called crazy, selfish or violent. But...]
A person can't be all bad if they care about someone or something, is what I mean. That and their current actions says more about someone's character to me than the things they've done. The Foundation doesn't care about if they hurt us or not. They want an excuse to do so.
[He rubs at his wrist, grimacing slightly at a memory.]
If he's playing out plans of his own here, what do we do?
[Wait...]
'Again'?
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[ It kind of makes her mind reel slightly before shaking her head to give herself some clarity. ]
But you're right. That's the point of this game. They need a valid reason to get rid of us. They can't just do so easily for. . . whatever reason. Because it's inhumane or something.
[ She folds her arms over her chest, sighing. ]
If he's planning something, then shouldn't we do the same?
[. . .]
Yep, 'again'.
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H-how do you die again?!
[Just. Halting the conversation for a minute, because what the HECK Inaba.]
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[ shrugs ]
My soul was then. . . placed into a new gigai.
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[....Oh.
oh.
...The way she talked about such a thing as if it was fine was a little unnerving, honestly.]
A... A new body?
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Dislikes: gigai bodies. ]
Yep. Not like any of our bodies in this world are our originals to begin with.
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I don't like thinking about it, personally....
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I don't either. I can't think about it too long, or else I get uncomfortable. And then I'll start thinking about the decision I made, when I died.
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[Wait, no, she'd just said she didn't want to think about it--
He backtracks, looking a little guilty just for that slip of a question alone.]
I-I mean... you said we should make plans! We should do that.
[Somehow.]
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[ Because it's bad. ]
But yeah, we should. I want to stop the murders. But I don't know if I can. I'm not strong enough for it.
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[Even if he is a little concerned about Inaba, because that expression....]
I don't know if I'm strong enough, either. With the tiger I have physical strength, but... I'm not that clever, or skilled at anything. But we have to try at least.
cw suicidal ideation
[ Her voice cracks a little bit at the end there, hugging herself a little bit. ]
And I'm not physically strong. I can't even use the ability that was given to me in this world because the idea of using it scares me too much. All I have is my analytical ability, and even then it's not perfect.
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[He reaches out hesitantly, before gently resting a hand on her shoulder. He wasn't sure what sort of touch would be welcome, but...]
We'll figure something out. If you want to tell me I'll listen, but we will figure something out.
[He's not nearly as confident as he's trying to sound, but Atsushi was nothing if not a survivor. There had to be a way... somehow, some way. He had to believe that there was.]
And if you don't have physical strength, you have me. I... my control isn't the best, but I can fight, and I can handle injuries most people can't. You can use me.
[Most people might think that sort of talk was disturbing, but to Atsushi it just made sense.]
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[ Mafia is bad, actually.
But she doesn't pull away from his touch. Even if she probably should, she doesn't. ]
But. . . did you know that there is a way to go home? Back to our own world?
[ Because she sure does. ]
I-
[ . . . ]
I can't do that. I don't- [ Her voice crackles with hesitation, torn up. ] I don't want that. I couldn't. That. . . would make me no better than that Dazai, from his world.
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['Mafia is bad, actually' seems like a pretty logical thought process, but then again...
He's not sure what to do. He wants to hug her, but would that be too awkward? would it upset her? Would it upset him? He doesn't know, and he's torn.
But when she says she knows how to go home... it's--]
What do you mean? We can go home?
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