Well, it's kind of difficult to maintain friends in a place like this-- especially if you're a 6350. Why would you want to make friends when those 'friends' can possibly die at any moment?
Even still. What I know about you tells me you're someone I want to know more.
[A pause.... before, a little quieter:]
And it means a lot to me, that you... That you reached out to me. If you're scared, if you're worried or lonely... I want to be able to help you the same way, if you'll let me.
I'll answer all of it. I've never felt like I've deserved it. Not when I struggle every time with trusting others. You know what I said earlier, right? About not wanting to make friends because —
...
That applies to me, too. And I should have pushed you away from the very beginning. Because I can't help it. The more you speak like that, the more it hurts, because it reminds me so much of him and I can't do this again—
It's... my stupid hangups again. Even if I tell myself that you're different people, and I know you are. But you've been kind to me and saying things like that, and I can't help but remember. What happened at the Hotel.
I don't want a repeat of that. I don't want. . . to have feelings for someone and watch them all die again.
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[He tucks his arms behind him, glancing down at the tile floor with pursed lips.]
...He's different than I imagined too. But I think I get it, a little.
[How people talked about Dazai when he was in the Mafia made him out to be some sort of monster. And yet the Dazai he saw here seemed more like...]
Think about it... He's my age. And he has no friends here.
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It's true, after all. That was a painful risk.]
I suppose that makes sense....
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[ She doesn't know what else to say. What can she say after that? ]
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It does bring to mind something he's wanted to ask about.]
Inaba-chan?
[He's hesitant, but there's a hint of worry in his gaze. He'd been happy to see she seemed better today, but he still...]
About yesterday... Are you ok?
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[ Her answer is immediate and she smiles at him rather brightly. Almost too bright. ]
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[His smile is sad.]
I want to be there for you, if you'll let me.
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[ She seems to be insistent, although her smile softens just slightly. ]
You- [...] You shouldn't.
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[He glances up, bicolored gold and violet gaze sincere.]
Call me an idiot if you like for it, but I care about you. And I want to be there for you, if you'll let me.
[Not just for the other Atsushi out there, probably anxious out of his mind. But because Inaba is someone he cares about as well.]
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You barely know me. We've only known each other a few days.
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Inaba, you've seen his series--]Even still. What I know about you tells me you're someone I want to know more.
[A pause.... before, a little quieter:]
And it means a lot to me, that you... That you reached out to me. If you're scared, if you're worried or lonely... I want to be able to help you the same way, if you'll let me.
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Like there's no light behind her eyes.
"Why are you so hard on yourself?"
"I don't have a reason, really. . . I'm just like this."
"Well. . . why are you just 'like that'?"
"Because I. . . don't think I'm a good person."
She can't help but remember those words. ]
That was my first mistake-- [...] I'm fine, though. I'm fine.
[ At this point, it's like a mantra to herself more than anything. ]
And more importantly, someone like me doesn't deserve that help. Not that anyone can truly help me.
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[His gaze is a little pleading. He doesn't... it hurts, seeing her like this. Isolating herself.]
It's not about deserving it or not. I want to help. And... you're not fine, Inaba-chan.
[He almost regrets saying it aloud, denying her that security, but...
She wasn't. He could see it.]
Please, if I can help even a little... let me help you.
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[ She says those words rather harshly.
But when he says that she freezes. Tenses up, actually. He can't just tear down the walls that she had tried to build up back again. ]
But I'm fine. Even if I'm dealing with this bullshit again, I'm fine. I have to be.
[ If she isn't, then... what's the point? ]
And I already said it. You can't help me, Atsushi. So stop.
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[He didn't mean to raise his voice, but that denial hurt. She helped him. She treated him like a human being. Didn't she understand?]
You're not. Not to me.
[He looks a little stricken, more than a little sad.]
....Why can't I? When you've already helped me so much...
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She laughs a little bitterly under her breath as she looks at him with an empty expression, her voice hollow. ]
Because it hurts when you say kind words like that to me. Isn't that enough?
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Why? Why did it... Was he really hurting her?
He didn't want to hurt her, but...]
....Why?
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[He droops.]
Why does it hurt that I care about you? Why do you think you don't deserve it?
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I'll answer all of it. I've never felt like I've deserved it. Not when I struggle every time with trusting others. You know what I said earlier, right? About not wanting to make friends because —
...
That applies to me, too. And I should have pushed you away from the very beginning. Because I can't help it. The more you speak like that, the more it hurts, because it reminds me so much of him and I can't do this again—
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[Her second part, however, gives him pause.]
...I-I.... I suppose it is cruel of me, to want to spend time with you when you miss him so much, but I... What do you mean 'Again'?
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It's... my stupid hangups again. Even if I tell myself that you're different people, and I know you are. But you've been kind to me and saying things like that, and I can't help but remember. What happened at the Hotel.
I don't want a repeat of that. I don't want. . . to have feelings for someone and watch them all die again.
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[It's said firmly. If nothing else, his drive to live had always been stronger than his lack of self worth.]
And because of that, I feel the same way as you. I want you to live too, because I don't want to see a friend suffering or worse. I want to help you.
cw suicidal ideation
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