[Well, here goes nothing. He presses the button to dial her number, bringing his phone to his ear and leaning against the back of the couch as he tries to calm his racing heartbeat.
...He's not sure if he wants her to pick up or not.]
[ It doesn't take long for her to answer, because the moment she sees his name and number on her phone screen, she practically jumps at the chance to answer, fumbling on her cell before she finally says it, a little panicky: ]
[ There seems to be an obvious audible relief on her end of the line as she lets out a rather relieved sigh. He might actually notice that her voice might sound a little watery though. ]
Yeah, I did, I was really worried. I'm glad, though. You sound like you're back to normal.
[ Just. Give her a moment to wipe her wet eyes and steady her voice a bit; she doesn't like having Rean hear like this, even if he's the one closest to her. ]
Do you hear what you're saying, Rean? Like really hear it? I'm sorry to be blunt, but I'm not "letting you off the hook" because it's easier for me! If something outside of your control is what caused you to become a full blown chuuni yandere, I don't want you blaming yourself for it when I can't even be certain that what you said is how you really feel!
[ She sounds... pretty angry, even frustrated, now, although a lot of it doesn't seem directed at him. But her voice smooths itself out as she tries to compose herself. ]
Like I told you before, everyone's emotions and behaviors have been strange lately. Blown full out of proportion to the point where it's so dangerous for a normal person like me to go outside.
You're not the only one. Like... would you honestly blame your friends for being out of control if this sort of thing happened to them? Sure, it's easier for people to shift the blame onto something else but with something like this... I don't want you carrying all the burden, you know?
And, uh... If you want me to give you a full rundown of what happened, at least, when I saw you, I can. I won't sugarcoat anything.
[Well, that takes any and all wind right out of his sails, and he find himself flopping that much further into the couch.
Pachinko trills at him in confusion, and he reaches out a hand to absently scratch at his ear.]
I guess that's true enough, it's just...
[Another sigh, frustrated at himself.]
...I guess it is hard to apologize for something I don't entirely remember, yeah. If... you wouldn't mind giving me a rundown of what happened, I would appreciate it.
[ Her voice is calm enough, but she eventually manages to relay everything out for him, not leaving a single word out. Of course, she doesn't state her actual feelings on the situation, but she does give him the full script of what everyone said and did, at least.
It's honestly sometimes a little terrifying that she can actually relay so much of the words without any hesitation or emotion in her own voice. ]
[Rean's quiet throughout, but sometimes his breaths hitch in an unconscious wince or come as a gentle sigh, and that's the only indication she'll get that he's still there until she's done.
Once she is...]
...All right. Am I allowed to apologize now?
[It doesn't sound like Raina's explanation has eased Rean's concerns any. If anything, he sounds more set in them now than he did.]
Because while some of that was whatever it was that took a hold of me... some of those things are still things I've felt, whether I like it or not.
[ She's silent on her end, but while she gets while he's concerned, she understands that if he's really felt that way, then it's fine, but... ]
Which parts are you apologizing for, then?
[ While Raina isn't answering his question properly, she isn't going to make any rash decisions until she hears a proper answer from him, even if she does have some vague idea of which parts were actually him. ]
Because whether or not I'll accept your apology depends on that.
[ And there's just going to be a rather heavy sigh coming from her end of the line.
She doesn't seem to answer immediately, letting silence hang in the air for about a minute or so before speaking up again. Even though he says words like that, her feelings on the matter, they're... ]
And I meant every last word I said then. I'm not worth being that important.
[Silence could kill him faster than words, he thinks. He can feel his chest tighten more by the second.
His voice is soft in response, but he doesn't back down.]
You are.
[A lengthy pause on his own end, trying to figure out how he wants to word this.]
...which isn't to say that you aren't right. It is awful of me to say that after I abandoned you for two years. But, you should know... it was never my intention to make you feel that way.
I know that doesn't change anything, I just... you're talented, Raina. I've just been faking it all along, but you... you actually could live up to the expectations anyone else had of you. Could surpass them, even.
I didn't want to abandon you. You're my sister, I love you, I always have...
I just... didn't want to be the chain that held you back. And I never stopped to think how it would look from your end.
You're one of the most important people in my life, and you always will be, memories be damned. I'm just... I'm sorry that I hurt you, Raina.
[ To be honest, she's kind of relieved that this isn't in person and is instead done through a phone call, because she's pretty much curling in on herself, sitting on the couch as she pulls her legs close to her body as she just listens to his words.
Carefully takes it in and then lets out another breath. ]
I-
[ I don't have any talent at all. I'm not like everyone else on the application. Both me, and my past self are useless, I'm sure of it.
But she doesn't say that at all. Instead, what she does say is something in a similar vein, but avoiding certain things. ]
That's not true, Rean. I don't have any talent at all. [ She laughs a little bitterly, almost a little hollow. ] If you're saying that you've been faking it all along... I'm the same way, you know. It's so easy to just fake everything.
That's not true. You knew exactly what you wanted when you came here, didn't you? Analytics, computers... that's always been you, and you've always been good at it.
I just muddled my way through high school and I'm just floundering to keep my head above water.
[He's talking about this life, not his past life. Raina's the one who insists they're separate, after all, and no matter how much he sometimes wishes it weren't so this is the life he's living now.]
Everything else? Yeah. I know how easy it is to fake it. I do it all the time.
Maybe that's true... but it isn't as if I got into these because I enjoyed it. I only became good out of necessity. If I could analyze situations, analyze people then I could hide my weaknesses.
[ As she admits those words, he'll notice that her voice seems to be trembling a slight bit. Like it's difficult to even say any of this. ]
Since I don't trust anyone, after all. I always have to pretend to be someone else, meet everyone else's expectations, because that's what they want from me, right...? Because why would anyone like someone who is weak like this...? People only like someone who's strong, someone who can support them, someone who can actually help them... That's all I'm useful for. Without any of that, I'm useless. I'm just trash.
But you enjoy computers, right? And I know being able to analyze data like you can is going to be a boon no matter what you're doing in that field.
[And to that latter part... his own shaking sigh.]
That's not true at all, Raina. If people only wanted people who were strong and useful around, they'd have discarded me a long time ago. Sure, maybe I'm recovering some of my past self's skills now, but even then with how I've thrown myself in harm's way I think everyone knows I'm more a liability than anything. And listen to me now... I'm not strong at all.
[It's such a good thing he can hear the water running, or he imagines Crow would come storming out of the bathroom to tell him off for talking like this.]
Regardless, though, I've never thought of you as worthless.
[ These two self-deprecating siblings need help... ]
It isn't that I like them, really, it was just easier to run away from everything and escape to the internet. Because online, it was even easier to pretend to be someone else.
But in the flip side, you could also see how bad people are especially under the guise of anonymity. To be honest, it just fueled the thought... the idea that all people are like that. That people would constantly be thinking of others potentially backstabbing each other, of doing terrible, terrible things to each other on purpose and being cruel... because I think like that, too and I managed to live what seemed to be a semblance of a normal life before the app, so clearly it's possible that others could think that way, too.
But you're not that way at all, even if it would be so much easier if you were.
[Their parents gave them the world, when all they really needed was therapy.]
...Please. I've seen you fawn over hardware, and you've gone ahead and built your own to do way more than you'd ever need to browse the internet. You can't say that you don't like them at least a little.
And... well. There probably are a lot of people like that. There are even some on the app that don't bother to hide it.
Being pessimistic doesn't make you trash, it just makes you a realist. I don't see anything wrong with that.
I mean, I can't deny it, but you don't have to say it...
[ You can practically hear the pout in her voice. ]
But even realists aren't like this, though! They aren't constantly hurting and caught in the middle because they just can't trust anything or anyone when they really want to!
Haha... when you're trying to tear yourself down with it, yeah, I'm afraid I do.
[He can, and it makes him smile just a little before she goes on.]
That's the thing, though. You can't know that. You don't trust anyone, you have no idea what's going on in their heads or what they could be thinking. And it could be horrible, cruel things... but they could be tearing themselves apart just like you are, too.
And even if everything you've said so far were 100% correct – which it isn't, but I'll play along – none of that would change that I see you as worthwhile and important.
But instead she just... leans back into the chair she's sitting on, murmuring a small 'why are you like this' under her breath before her voice lowers, although she does have to ask him. ]
Why would you still see me like that? Is it simply because we're siblings? Because we've been together for so long...? I won't take that as an answer, you know.
You see yourself as having nothing to offer, but as far as I see it, you've never even had to try. You've always been there for me, no matter how many good reasons I've given for you to go.
Let me put it to you this way: I couldn't say half of what I've said in this call to my friends. They'd shut me down before I even got halfway through a sentence.
Hell... even just with this conversation. I just admitted to you I'm clingy as all hell and potentially unstable, and you didn't even blink other than to say I shouldn't be over you. Most people would be a little more freaked out, don't you think?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
2/14, night but later than crow's;
...He's not sure if he wants her to pick up or not.]
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Rean?!
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Y-yeah, it's me. Hey.
[He sounds a lot more like himself, now, at least.]
...Crow told me you wanted me to get in contact. And, ah, he wanted me to let you know he's been teasing me for whatever the hell I woke up wearing.
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[ There seems to be an obvious audible relief on her end of the line as she lets out a rather relieved sigh. He might actually notice that her voice might sound a little watery though. ]
Yeah, I did, I was really worried. I'm glad, though. You sound like you're back to normal.
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[He does notice, and between that and her admission of worry, the guilt settles heavily in his chest.]
...I don't remember everything, if I'm honest. But... I know whatever I was doing, I really upset you.
So... I'm sorry.
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[ Just. Give her a moment to wipe her wet eyes and steady her voice a bit; she doesn't like having Rean hear like this, even if he's the one closest to her. ]
It's okay, it's not your fault, Rean.
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Yes, it is. Even if Vanderwheele or Retrospec or... whatever caused that, it's not like I'm not responsible for my own mind.
If I hurt you, I don't want you to let me off the hook just because it's easier, Raina.
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[ She sounds... pretty angry, even frustrated, now, although a lot of it doesn't seem directed at him. But her voice smooths itself out as she tries to compose herself. ]
Like I told you before, everyone's emotions and behaviors have been strange lately. Blown full out of proportion to the point where it's so dangerous for a normal person like me to go outside.
You're not the only one. Like... would you honestly blame your friends for being out of control if this sort of thing happened to them? Sure, it's easier for people to shift the blame onto something else but with something like this... I don't want you carrying all the burden, you know?
And, uh... If you want me to give you a full rundown of what happened, at least, when I saw you, I can. I won't sugarcoat anything.
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[Well, that takes any and all wind right out of his sails, and he find himself flopping that much further into the couch.
Pachinko trills at him in confusion, and he reaches out a hand to absently scratch at his ear.]
I guess that's true enough, it's just...
[Another sigh, frustrated at himself.]
...I guess it is hard to apologize for something I don't entirely remember, yeah. If... you wouldn't mind giving me a rundown of what happened, I would appreciate it.
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[ Her voice is calm enough, but she eventually manages to relay everything out for him, not leaving a single word out. Of course, she doesn't state her actual feelings on the situation, but she does give him the full script of what everyone said and did, at least.
It's honestly sometimes a little terrifying that she can actually relay so much of the words without any hesitation or emotion in her own voice. ]
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Once she is...]
...All right. Am I allowed to apologize now?
[It doesn't sound like Raina's explanation has eased Rean's concerns any. If anything, he sounds more set in them now than he did.]
Because while some of that was whatever it was that took a hold of me... some of those things are still things I've felt, whether I like it or not.
I need to carry some of that burden.
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Which parts are you apologizing for, then?
[ While Raina isn't answering his question properly, she isn't going to make any rash decisions until she hears a proper answer from him, even if she does have some vague idea of which parts were actually him. ]
Because whether or not I'll accept your apology depends on that.
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[...He hates this. But it's Raina. If he can say this honestly to anyone at all...]
I can't deny that's how I feel. You and the others... you're everything to me. If anything were to happen to you...
[...he can't finish that thought. It makes his chest ache.]
...The point is. That much, at least... that was me.
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She doesn't seem to answer immediately, letting silence hang in the air for about a minute or so before speaking up again. Even though he says words like that, her feelings on the matter, they're... ]
And I meant every last word I said then. I'm not worth being that important.
[ Her voice is a little softer, there. ]
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His voice is soft in response, but he doesn't back down.]
You are.
[A lengthy pause on his own end, trying to figure out how he wants to word this.]
...which isn't to say that you aren't right. It is awful of me to say that after I abandoned you for two years. But, you should know... it was never my intention to make you feel that way.
I know that doesn't change anything, I just... you're talented, Raina. I've just been faking it all along, but you... you actually could live up to the expectations anyone else had of you. Could surpass them, even.
I didn't want to abandon you. You're my sister, I love you, I always have...
I just... didn't want to be the chain that held you back. And I never stopped to think how it would look from your end.
You're one of the most important people in my life, and you always will be, memories be damned. I'm just... I'm sorry that I hurt you, Raina.
You deserve better than me.
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Carefully takes it in and then lets out another breath. ]
I-
[ I don't have any talent at all. I'm not like everyone else on the application. Both me, and my past self are useless, I'm sure of it.
But she doesn't say that at all. Instead, what she does say is something in a similar vein, but avoiding certain things. ]
That's not true, Rean. I don't have any talent at all. [ She laughs a little bitterly, almost a little hollow. ] If you're saying that you've been faking it all along... I'm the same way, you know. It's so easy to just fake everything.
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I just muddled my way through high school and I'm just floundering to keep my head above water.
[He's talking about this life, not his past life. Raina's the one who insists they're separate, after all, and no matter how much he sometimes wishes it weren't so this is the life he's living now.]
Everything else? Yeah. I know how easy it is to fake it. I do it all the time.
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[ As she admits those words, he'll notice that her voice seems to be trembling a slight bit. Like it's difficult to even say any of this. ]
Since I don't trust anyone, after all. I always have to pretend to be someone else, meet everyone else's expectations, because that's what they want from me, right...? Because why would anyone like someone who is weak like this...? People only like someone who's strong, someone who can support them, someone who can actually help them... That's all I'm useful for. Without any of that, I'm useless. I'm just trash.
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[And to that latter part... his own shaking sigh.]
That's not true at all, Raina. If people only wanted people who were strong and useful around, they'd have discarded me a long time ago. Sure, maybe I'm recovering some of my past self's skills now, but even then with how I've thrown myself in harm's way I think everyone knows I'm more a liability than anything. And listen to me now... I'm not strong at all.
[It's such a good thing he can hear the water running, or he imagines Crow would come storming out of the bathroom to tell him off for talking like this.]
Regardless, though, I've never thought of you as worthless.
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It isn't that I like them, really, it was just easier to run away from everything and escape to the internet. Because online, it was even easier to pretend to be someone else.
But in the flip side, you could also see how bad people are especially under the guise of anonymity. To be honest, it just fueled the thought... the idea that all people are like that. That people would constantly be thinking of others potentially backstabbing each other, of doing terrible, terrible things to each other on purpose and being cruel... because I think like that, too and I managed to live what seemed to be a semblance of a normal life before the app, so clearly it's possible that others could think that way, too.
But you're not that way at all, even if it would be so much easier if you were.
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...Please. I've seen you fawn over hardware, and you've gone ahead and built your own to do way more than you'd ever need to browse the internet. You can't say that you don't like them at least a little.
And... well. There probably are a lot of people like that. There are even some on the app that don't bother to hide it.
Being pessimistic doesn't make you trash, it just makes you a realist. I don't see anything wrong with that.
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[ You can practically hear the pout in her voice. ]
But even realists aren't like this, though! They aren't constantly hurting and caught in the middle because they just can't trust anything or anyone when they really want to!
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[He can, and it makes him smile just a little before she goes on.]
That's the thing, though. You can't know that. You don't trust anyone, you have no idea what's going on in their heads or what they could be thinking. And it could be horrible, cruel things... but they could be tearing themselves apart just like you are, too.
And even if everything you've said so far were 100% correct – which it isn't, but I'll play along – none of that would change that I see you as worthwhile and important.
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But instead she just... leans back into the chair she's sitting on, murmuring a small 'why are you like this' under her breath before her voice lowers, although she does have to ask him. ]
Why would you still see me like that? Is it simply because we're siblings? Because we've been together for so long...? I won't take that as an answer, you know.
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Let me put it to you this way: I couldn't say half of what I've said in this call to my friends. They'd shut me down before I even got halfway through a sentence.
Hell... even just with this conversation. I just admitted to you I'm clingy as all hell and potentially unstable, and you didn't even blink other than to say I shouldn't be over you. Most people would be a little more freaked out, don't you think?
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