Punfortunately, I have to get back to class, but it looks like we're planning on meeting up tonight. I'm guessing around dinner time, so 6ish? I'll let you know more when I do
I just didn't want to scare you. If you'd stayed back home, how would you have reacted if I'd called up and said "oh, hey, my whole city's on fire and also I got shot?" And now that you're here, I thought you had enough going on with being new to the app and dealing with the copies of you and everything else.
I'm sorry. I know I should have just been honest with you. I can't change what I did (or didn't do, in this case), but I'm trying now.
[Even he knows there's a chance he might break that promise, but... it feels right to make it, at least.]
And if that's the case... I know you know already, but you may as well hear it from me.
I got hurt on both of the "missions" I went on last month. I got attacked by a monster while out with Eren, didn't dodge correctly, it cracked my rib.
With Crow and Elliot, I took a bullet to the shoulder trying to make sure Crow didn't take one to the back.
In both cases, I got healed up with magic. I'm fine, now, but that does mean that with the one from this morning there's now two scars on my upper left torso.
[ There's a long, lengthy pause because she honestly doesn't know what to say. Or no, it's not that.
What she wants to type kind of... scares her, really. ]
So you're going to choose to protect others instead of yourself? I'm calling you reckless because I don't want you to sacrifice yourself for that reason.
But I'm worried about the future, and what might come up. If you sacrifice yourself for someone, if that worst case scenario happens, I don't know what I'm going to do.
I know that isn't. You might think that you're right and I'm wrong, but there's no way that I'd be able to be strong enough for that. I'd be all alone again.
[And now it's Raina's turn to have to wait for a response, because... ah.
"Again."
...]
Let me put it this way: I'm going to help other people where I'm able. But I'm also going to do absolutely everything in my power to stay around so that I can continue to do that.
I'm not going to leave you behind if I have any say in it. Okay?
I suppose that's the best I can ask for. I wouldn't be able to stop you from helping people out, even if those ways might be ones that I might not like.
Anyway, let me go back to the first thing you originally said. You suddenly woke up with a scar from your past life? Do you remember how you got it or are we going "it is a mystery" here?
I don't think YouTube lets you upload anything quite that long.
Yeah, I thought the same thing, but Elliot mentioned that maybe it's better if I don't remember. Whatever caused this must have been traumatic, because, uh, it definitely is not nice-looking. So maybe it's better that I'm not having to relive that.
[Of course he understands. His past self was so many things he can only dream of being... accomplished, a leader. Happy.]
Yeah. I know some people refer to their past selves like they're completely separate people, but... seems kind of hard to do that when you share everything.
Still, what's past is past and what's here is here. I know that.
A plant unleashing some kind of weird desires is more than a little weird... but then again, I can't exactly judge considering what I've got in my memories.
...I can't lie, though, I'm kind of curious. Since I've just always been this way, it's hard to imagine being in a different body at all, much less someone with a different makeup altogether.
[Well, here goes nothing. He presses the button to dial her number, bringing his phone to his ear and leaning against the back of the couch as he tries to calm his racing heartbeat.
...He's not sure if he wants her to pick up or not.]
[ It doesn't take long for her to answer, because the moment she sees his name and number on her phone screen, she practically jumps at the chance to answer, fumbling on her cell before she finally says it, a little panicky: ]
[ There seems to be an obvious audible relief on her end of the line as she lets out a rather relieved sigh. He might actually notice that her voice might sound a little watery though. ]
Yeah, I did, I was really worried. I'm glad, though. You sound like you're back to normal.
[ Just. Give her a moment to wipe her wet eyes and steady her voice a bit; she doesn't like having Rean hear like this, even if he's the one closest to her. ]
Do you hear what you're saying, Rean? Like really hear it? I'm sorry to be blunt, but I'm not "letting you off the hook" because it's easier for me! If something outside of your control is what caused you to become a full blown chuuni yandere, I don't want you blaming yourself for it when I can't even be certain that what you said is how you really feel!
[ She sounds... pretty angry, even frustrated, now, although a lot of it doesn't seem directed at him. But her voice smooths itself out as she tries to compose herself. ]
Like I told you before, everyone's emotions and behaviors have been strange lately. Blown full out of proportion to the point where it's so dangerous for a normal person like me to go outside.
You're not the only one. Like... would you honestly blame your friends for being out of control if this sort of thing happened to them? Sure, it's easier for people to shift the blame onto something else but with something like this... I don't want you carrying all the burden, you know?
And, uh... If you want me to give you a full rundown of what happened, at least, when I saw you, I can. I won't sugarcoat anything.
[Well, that takes any and all wind right out of his sails, and he find himself flopping that much further into the couch.
Pachinko trills at him in confusion, and he reaches out a hand to absently scratch at his ear.]
I guess that's true enough, it's just...
[Another sigh, frustrated at himself.]
...I guess it is hard to apologize for something I don't entirely remember, yeah. If... you wouldn't mind giving me a rundown of what happened, I would appreciate it.
[ Her voice is calm enough, but she eventually manages to relay everything out for him, not leaving a single word out. Of course, she doesn't state her actual feelings on the situation, but she does give him the full script of what everyone said and did, at least.
It's honestly sometimes a little terrifying that she can actually relay so much of the words without any hesitation or emotion in her own voice. ]
[Rean's quiet throughout, but sometimes his breaths hitch in an unconscious wince or come as a gentle sigh, and that's the only indication she'll get that he's still there until she's done.
Once she is...]
...All right. Am I allowed to apologize now?
[It doesn't sound like Raina's explanation has eased Rean's concerns any. If anything, he sounds more set in them now than he did.]
Because while some of that was whatever it was that took a hold of me... some of those things are still things I've felt, whether I like it or not.
[ She's silent on her end, but while she gets while he's concerned, she understands that if he's really felt that way, then it's fine, but... ]
Which parts are you apologizing for, then?
[ While Raina isn't answering his question properly, she isn't going to make any rash decisions until she hears a proper answer from him, even if she does have some vague idea of which parts were actually him. ]
Because whether or not I'll accept your apology depends on that.
[ And there's just going to be a rather heavy sigh coming from her end of the line.
She doesn't seem to answer immediately, letting silence hang in the air for about a minute or so before speaking up again. Even though he says words like that, her feelings on the matter, they're... ]
And I meant every last word I said then. I'm not worth being that important.
[Silence could kill him faster than words, he thinks. He can feel his chest tighten more by the second.
His voice is soft in response, but he doesn't back down.]
You are.
[A lengthy pause on his own end, trying to figure out how he wants to word this.]
...which isn't to say that you aren't right. It is awful of me to say that after I abandoned you for two years. But, you should know... it was never my intention to make you feel that way.
I know that doesn't change anything, I just... you're talented, Raina. I've just been faking it all along, but you... you actually could live up to the expectations anyone else had of you. Could surpass them, even.
I didn't want to abandon you. You're my sister, I love you, I always have...
I just... didn't want to be the chain that held you back. And I never stopped to think how it would look from your end.
You're one of the most important people in my life, and you always will be, memories be damned. I'm just... I'm sorry that I hurt you, Raina.
[ To be honest, she's kind of relieved that this isn't in person and is instead done through a phone call, because she's pretty much curling in on herself, sitting on the couch as she pulls her legs close to her body as she just listens to his words.
Carefully takes it in and then lets out another breath. ]
I-
[ I don't have any talent at all. I'm not like everyone else on the application. Both me, and my past self are useless, I'm sure of it.
But she doesn't say that at all. Instead, what she does say is something in a similar vein, but avoiding certain things. ]
That's not true, Rean. I don't have any talent at all. [ She laughs a little bitterly, almost a little hollow. ] If you're saying that you've been faking it all along... I'm the same way, you know. It's so easy to just fake everything.
That's not true. You knew exactly what you wanted when you came here, didn't you? Analytics, computers... that's always been you, and you've always been good at it.
I just muddled my way through high school and I'm just floundering to keep my head above water.
[He's talking about this life, not his past life. Raina's the one who insists they're separate, after all, and no matter how much he sometimes wishes it weren't so this is the life he's living now.]
Everything else? Yeah. I know how easy it is to fake it. I do it all the time.
Maybe that's true... but it isn't as if I got into these because I enjoyed it. I only became good out of necessity. If I could analyze situations, analyze people then I could hide my weaknesses.
[ As she admits those words, he'll notice that her voice seems to be trembling a slight bit. Like it's difficult to even say any of this. ]
Since I don't trust anyone, after all. I always have to pretend to be someone else, meet everyone else's expectations, because that's what they want from me, right...? Because why would anyone like someone who is weak like this...? People only like someone who's strong, someone who can support them, someone who can actually help them... That's all I'm useful for. Without any of that, I'm useless. I'm just trash.
But you enjoy computers, right? And I know being able to analyze data like you can is going to be a boon no matter what you're doing in that field.
[And to that latter part... his own shaking sigh.]
That's not true at all, Raina. If people only wanted people who were strong and useful around, they'd have discarded me a long time ago. Sure, maybe I'm recovering some of my past self's skills now, but even then with how I've thrown myself in harm's way I think everyone knows I'm more a liability than anything. And listen to me now... I'm not strong at all.
[It's such a good thing he can hear the water running, or he imagines Crow would come storming out of the bathroom to tell him off for talking like this.]
Regardless, though, I've never thought of you as worthless.
[ These two self-deprecating siblings need help... ]
It isn't that I like them, really, it was just easier to run away from everything and escape to the internet. Because online, it was even easier to pretend to be someone else.
But in the flip side, you could also see how bad people are especially under the guise of anonymity. To be honest, it just fueled the thought... the idea that all people are like that. That people would constantly be thinking of others potentially backstabbing each other, of doing terrible, terrible things to each other on purpose and being cruel... because I think like that, too and I managed to live what seemed to be a semblance of a normal life before the app, so clearly it's possible that others could think that way, too.
But you're not that way at all, even if it would be so much easier if you were.
[Their parents gave them the world, when all they really needed was therapy.]
...Please. I've seen you fawn over hardware, and you've gone ahead and built your own to do way more than you'd ever need to browse the internet. You can't say that you don't like them at least a little.
And... well. There probably are a lot of people like that. There are even some on the app that don't bother to hide it.
Being pessimistic doesn't make you trash, it just makes you a realist. I don't see anything wrong with that.
I mean, I can't deny it, but you don't have to say it...
[ You can practically hear the pout in her voice. ]
But even realists aren't like this, though! They aren't constantly hurting and caught in the middle because they just can't trust anything or anyone when they really want to!
Haha... when you're trying to tear yourself down with it, yeah, I'm afraid I do.
[He can, and it makes him smile just a little before she goes on.]
That's the thing, though. You can't know that. You don't trust anyone, you have no idea what's going on in their heads or what they could be thinking. And it could be horrible, cruel things... but they could be tearing themselves apart just like you are, too.
And even if everything you've said so far were 100% correct – which it isn't, but I'll play along – none of that would change that I see you as worthwhile and important.
But instead she just... leans back into the chair she's sitting on, murmuring a small 'why are you like this' under her breath before her voice lowers, although she does have to ask him. ]
Why would you still see me like that? Is it simply because we're siblings? Because we've been together for so long...? I won't take that as an answer, you know.
You see yourself as having nothing to offer, but as far as I see it, you've never even had to try. You've always been there for me, no matter how many good reasons I've given for you to go.
Let me put it to you this way: I couldn't say half of what I've said in this call to my friends. They'd shut me down before I even got halfway through a sentence.
Hell... even just with this conversation. I just admitted to you I'm clingy as all hell and potentially unstable, and you didn't even blink other than to say I shouldn't be over you. Most people would be a little more freaked out, don't you think?
. . . You're my only friend, Rean. I have nobody else. I have nothing else. If I freaked out about what you said, I might lose you and I just can't do that.
[ Because guess who is also clingy? ]
It's kind of why I get terrified when I fuck up and get too pushy. I'd honestly do almost anything you asked me to if it meant that I wouldn't be alone again.
Good thing only one of us is a blackmailer, huh...?
[But now, softer and more serious:]
Listen. I'm not sure if I can explain to you right now why you're important in a way you'd understand. But you are, and that's not going to change no matter how much you argue it or no matter how much you "fuck up."
We'd probably go in circles if we kept up like this and neither of us would get any sleep. Not to mention that you wouldn't want to worry Crow too much, right?
[ Since she knows he's staying with him, at least for tonight. ]
Yeah. We're fine. I don't think I have the heart to say otherwise.
...Ah, okay, yeah, he's definitely getting out of there. I probably shouldn't keep him out of his own living room for too long. Talk to you tomorrow, okay?
[Between his promise to Eren to reach out to people before the week is up and his run-in with the wolf, Rean's still feeling anxious, but in the way where he wants to do something about it for a change.
He picks up the flower crown that the wolf somehow gifted him, twirling it over his hand for a moment before picking it up and taking a quick picture of it.
He texts the picture to Raina, along with the following messages:]
Wound up with this the other day. Think it'll probably suit you better.
[There's a decent pause between that message and this one, and if Raina's watching she'll see the little notification that he's typing on and off. He tries something, erases it, then tries again, but eventually:]
I'd like to talk with you about what happened down there. Whenever you're ready, and however you'd rather talk. I don't want to rush you or make you uncomfortable.
[ Her answer is practically immediate, because while normally she'd either be in classes or at work at this hour, she isn't doing... either of those things. ]
You can just text me now. It isn't as if I'm doing anything else.
And as for that... listen. I'm not ignoring that there's an aspect here that we need to address about you, but as far as me hurting you? That absolutely was my fault.
Whatever that thing was, it was because of my own inability that I lost control of it. That's all there is to it.
Maybe not immediately, but it's a part of me regardless. It was going to come up eventually.
With the way things are, it's foolish to think people will avoid getting into danger from here on out. I can't just lose control every time that happens, nor can I lash out on whatever's in front of me as if it's my enemy without thought.
I'm not saying you're without blame here, Raina. I'm saying that you didn't deserve me trying to kill you, and I'm sorry it went so far as to go anywhere even close.
Yes there absolutely would have been, don't you even dare
[Rean is typing...]
You don't get to say you don't know what you'd do without me and then turn around and say I can't feel the same. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you, but given what just happened, I can't imagine it'd be anything good.
[There's another lack of response for another good five to ten minutes, because Rean just needs to put his head in his hands.
He doesn't cry, although he feels himself wanting to. He just tries to take even breaths, tries to calm himself and put himself together so he can actually say what he means.]
The only "problem" here is that you think there is one.
My other friends haven't replaced you. They can't.
There's nothing I have that you couldn't just as easily have yourself. You're just holding yourself back.
it's okay i wasn't 100% sure myself so no worries!
[ To be honest, she looks at this text over and over and tries to run it over in her head, tries to come up with some sort of counterargument and it takes a bit as she just stares it down as if that would help with her response. ]
You say that I'm holding myself back, but...
Why would anyone even want to be friends with me? I'm not a good person
[ she types 'like you are' but then deletes it, knowing that choice of words would get neither of them anywhere ]
I don't even deserve it. And I have a horrible personality.
Do you really think you're alone in seeing yourself that way? I don't understand why anyone would want to be around me, either.
The way I see it, I feed off of others' kindness and give nothing in return. Hell, look at me now. Even the attempts I make to keep the people I care about safe only hurt them. I'm a curse, if anything.
But you know what? Turns out, I said all of that in my past life, too. And my sister in that life, she said something I think you need to hear.
You don't "deserve it." So, tell me: who exactly decides who "deserves" kindness? Who decides who "deserves" friendship?
If we're in the business of being honest, here, then yes!
What else am I supposed to do? Let you keep wallowing in how awful you think you are until you push me away, too?
Neither of us want that, Raina.
Besides, it may be a lecture, but it's true. I don't get to decide whether or not I deserve my friends. You don't get to decide that for anyone else, either.
You can't. To use your own words against you: I have receipts.
Listen. I told you at the beginning of this, the last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable. But the options you're leaving me with otherwise aren't ones I'm willing to accept.
I was always fine with you having other friends. I don't hate them, or you. I was happy when you told me that you had other friends, but I was also kind of sad, too.
Maybe you don't need to. Without Retrospec in our way, we got along just fine all those years without you trusting me, after all, and you've said yourself I'm your friend.
I don't know. I'm not an expert in this myself, I don't understand why anyone's sticking around at all after what happened, much less apologizing to me. But here we are.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say at this point
Just. If you promise to try to reach out on your own, I forgive you for everything that happened down there.
I still believe in you, I still care about you, and you don't have to understand why.
[ Well, she's not going to reply because it seems like their conversation is over, but suddenly (I'm so sorry, Rean) he'll hear a very familiar voice in his head.
Spoilers: it's Raina's.
[Oh thank god we didn't talk about the other thing, since I just remembered that my past life had a boyfriend...]
It might have to do with the fact that I remembered last night that my past self started dating someone. She confessed mentally (which she had no control over) a lot of embarrassing things and then he asked her out. That's it.
I mean... I am interested in hearing about your memories, just because they're yours. It doesn't necessarily have to do with whoever this guy is.
But in regards to him, no, that's good. Even if that guy isn't necessarily here, if you developed feelings for some jerk, I don't know if I could take it...
[ She sends that text out before going back to pretty much lazing around until it's closer to time, eventually getting herself prepared - actually making the decision to dress nice (a rarity!) as she goes out to meet him in front of the place.
She has very light makeup on and even lavender perfume (when she normally does neither), along with a chic black frame of glasses and dress with thigh high stockings and heeled shoes. She even is wearing a long black haired, straight wig that's just braided a little.
She might have overdid it a bit, but it's fine, nobody will know it's her! ]
[Nobody, except Rean. Rean can tell it's her even in full cosplay, after all.
He's already grabbed a table, toward the back and out of the way, and gives her a small wave to invite her over. He hasn't gone as out of his way to disguise himself, but there are things Raina will notice – he's wearing his glasses again, he's left his hair unstyled (and therefore hanging a bit into his eyes), and once she gets closer...
Hm, that sure is an entire baggage claim he's got going on under his eyes, there. Rean normally adheres to a pretty solid sleep schedule, too.]
[ Honestly, she's glad that her brother is the only person who can tell... she would have died if anybody managed to recognize her at work.
Although she might get fired at this rate but she doesn't care, really.
But she does make her way over and-
Hm. ]
Have you not been sleeping?
[ She hisses that out so only he can hear it but even if she is chastising him for it, it isn't as if she hasn't done it before... Although after collapsing that one time, she's stopped keeping herself awake for days on end.
But she is pulling herself a seat, straightening herself out to the point where someone could practically label her a model. ]
[Rean just sighs at the admonishment, not really seeming that put off by it.]
Either not sleeping or sleeping too much to try to make up for it. I've gone back to having a lot of nightmares, recently.
[Which probably isn't surprising, given what happened recently, but it is also something that used to be troubling in his youth. It's probably not that great that they've come back.]
But I'll get over it. I always do.
[He waves dismissively, pushing a menu towards her.]
I'm still going to be worried, Rean. I'm your sister, and if you're lying to yourself, I—
[ She leans back into her chair as she eventually finds herself placing the menu back down onto the table, shaking her head in an attempt to clear her thoughts. ]
It's not fair if you're changing the subject like that, Rean. I want to be able to help you, so already dismissing it like I can't, it...
[ Ah.
She really does care too much, sometimes, even if she knows full well that as much as she'd like to do something, she's useless in this regard and Rean saying that she can't help kind of drives the point home. That thought makes the proverbial wedge in her chest twist as her expression crumples a little before she forces herself to open up the menu to obscure her hurt. ]
Anyway, I'm fine. [ Does she mean physically or emotionally, it's difficult to tell. But then again, she doesn't want to worry him any more than she has to. ] I did remember a few things between the last time we talked about memories and now, that's all.
[He's quiet, listening to her, then shakes her head.]
I know. But it's like before, you know? Either they'll go away on their own or I'll have to work through them, probably a mix of both. It's not as if you're useless, this is just a problem no one can really help with.
...I did come here to talk about some stuff you can help me work through, after all. [Quietly, revealing some of his reasoning now.] I'd just rather cover you first, since it sounds to me like yours are actually mostly positive.
Even if you have to work through them, that doesn't mean that you have to do them alone—
[ You can talk to me, is what she doesn't say, but implies as she cuts herself off. She knows she shouldn't have to be the person that helps him for every little thing, but having him deal with it himself?
It's honestly kind of lonely. ]
Well, I wouldn't say that it was all entirely positive. [ But it wasn't entirely negative, either. ] Most of my memories have been dealing with the same person lately, though. I guess you could say that he was initially a friend. To Inaba. I still don't remember much about him, but...
[ Trailing off a bit, Raina instinctively chews on her lower lip, feeling a bit awkward. ]
From what I do remember, he was selfless to a fault. It was enough to worry me - but you know that already, from the last time I spoke about him. But he also trusted me the most, out of everyone. Enough to tell me a secret of his in order to convince me to tell the others that I struggle with trust issues. [ She can't help but laugh a little bit. ] He even said that even if the others somehow rejected me for how I am, for how I can't seem to trust anyone, as much as I want to... he'd still accept me
To be honest, I was really happy to hear that from someone I considered a friend. Immensely happy.
[...]
I think that's it from me, though.
[ Just purposely leaving out the Bad Memory #1 because then she'd have to explain how she got it and Bad Memory #2 because she knows Rean would get mad at Taichi for making her cry. ]
We should order something, though. I was thinking of getting some steak over rice. It's a little pricey, but I haven't had anything besides cup ramen the last couple of days. You don't have to spot me this time though, I'll cover it.
[Rean knows she's not happy with that answer, but he's glad she continues on to cover her own memories. Especially since, given their previous conversation, this sounds like just further proof that he's right, and Raina really can make friends regardless of her issues.]
Heh... he does sound like a nice guy. [Rean seems a little more relaxed about it after hearing that, at least. You survive another day, Taichi.] I'm glad. I hope someday soon you can hear that sort of thing in this life, too, from someone who isn't just me. But in the meantime, I'm glad Inaba could and that you remember it.
[Food's a good idea, though. Hm...]
Mm... you know, I might go for that, too. I've been living on about the same diet as you. Could use the protein.
[He had shrimp not too long ago, thanks Crow, but other than that... it's been cup ramen life, yep. He's horrible at taking care of himself when he's in a rut like this.]
He's nice, but he's also reckless and is the type to help others but not himself...
[ Taichi is a selfless dumbass, but he's her selfless dumbass. Or Inaba's, anyway.
Nevertheless, it's hearing that alone which causes her to heave a sigh of relief. Before she laughs. ]
Ahaha, what the hell? [ Usually she's so careful about cursing around Rean but she could honestly care less right now, it's just a little funny. ] We really are siblings, aren't we? How stupid... we're both fucking idiots. I'm getting the strawberry lemonade too. It's refillable so it is absolutely worth it.
Aha... ha... well. I guess everyone has to have some flaws, yeah?
[...hm, he feels called out right now. Anyway!
Actually getting a laugh out of her, even if it's self-deprecating, makes him smile.]
Yeah... yeah, we are. [Rean scoffs, avoiding her gaze for a moment. He may as well be honest.] ...Predictable fucking idiots, apparently. [He can swear, too!] A couple days ago, Crow made an extra portion of whatever he had and left it with a mutual acquaintance on my floor to give to me. Called me out for not eating well in his note and everything, and it's not like I've been talking to him since.
[He shakes his head. Crow spoils him, he swears.]
Refillable, though? I hadn't even noticed that. I am absolutely sold.
[ She shrugs a little nonchalantly, although her smile drops a little bit. But seeing him smile makes her relax; in a way that can't be seen by pretty much anyone else. Which makes it kind of strange that she doesn't trust Rean.
Even if she.
She really wants to.
But her smile drops when she listens to his words, a little sad. ]
You're really lucky, you know that? I said this before, but I'm honestly kind of jealous. [ At least she doesn't seem to be irritable saying it this time, it's more... Melancholic. ] Then again, it's a little lonely in the apartment. It's too big.
[ .... ]
Aaaanyway, yeah, refillable stuff is great, but especially strawberry lemonade.
[Ahaha, success. It's so rare that he can get the upper hand in situations like this—
Wait just a goddamn second.
He's smiling again, but it's painfully thin and forced.]
Actually, no, no. It doesn't seem like we're quite done with yours. What specifics about memories with Taichi, hm? Is that the guy other you was seeing?
I heard that mumble, and I'm going to save both of us the agony and not ask.
[He can learn! As for switching topics, he sighs.]
...Well. [Talking about his memories will be a pretty abrupt mood swing, but. He has to. That's what he's here for.] Where do I even start? There's... a lot I've been having to think through recently.
I guess I'll leave it up to you. Which would you rather me talk about first: the thing that took over, or Crow?
[From his tone of voice, neither of these topics are good.]
[Rean really never needs to know about That secret. He'd probably expire on the spot.
A sigh as he collects himself as well.]
Well... bad news is, I don't have a definitive answer for you. I'm not sure my other self quite knew what it was, either.
I remembered the first time it took over – took my other self over – right when Elliot brought us out of it. I was nine, and my past self's sister – Elise – and I got ambushed by this bear-like monster. I tried to protect her, and it nearly took me out. When I realized how much danger she'd be in if I did, I just...
blacked out.
When I came to, I'd ripped the thing to pieces. There was blood all over the snow, all over the little hatchet I'd brought to cut through branches, and all over me. Elise was crying, and it was because she was afraid of me, not the monster.
[He can't look her in the eye as he recounts all that. He manages to keep his tone more or less even, but Raina knows him better than anyone – she'll be able to pick up the way his voice just slightly wavers, how he's fidgeting, how his brows are knitting together.
He's scared.]
...The good news is that I've been meeting up with Eren. He's trying to help me learn to control it, so that what happened last time doesn't happen again.
[ Raina is quiet as she listens to his recollection, and thankfully she takes it all in with a neutral expression on her features, just simply watching carefully the subtle shifts in how his voice wavers and how he seems to fidget a bit.
And then she goes ahead and reaches out to him from across the table, to put a hand on his arm to tell him that she's there.
She's here for him. ]
Okay, so which do you want to hear from? The words from your sister or the words from a friend that is taking psychology classes?
Then, there's a few things that I should say. It's okay to be scared of what you don't understand or know too much about. Honestly, I'd be scared, too.
[ While her voice might try to be gentle, there's a slight waver there that catches slightly. And he'll feel that her fingers on his arm are trembling a bit, too. ]
Also, as your sister, rather than your friend, I know it's all fiction but maybe if whatever plan Eren has in mind doesn't work, you might want to fall back on a Plan B. There's a lot of anime that cover this sort of thing, so I could suggest that to you to watch it and see if anything they do to solve those sorts of problems might help... Although it's kind of stupid, isn't it?
I do have other things I could suggest that might be helpful off the top of my head based on what you told me, too, if you want to hear those, but that's more of "the friend" talking rather than "your sister". If you want to hear it.
[He notices her trembling, and his response is just to move his arm out from under her hand so that he can take her hand in his.
They'll be scared together.]
Heh... it's not that stupid. This whole thing is already like something straight out of an anime, and it's only going to get more ridiculous from here. Really, at this point, I might as well.
[ Even when she's just as scared as he is, he's still supporting her. It's that kind of thing that makes her believe that he can make it through this, even when they both feel so weak and powerless-- when they both feel so human.
She closes her eyes for a bit, squeezing his hand when it's in her own, to show him that Raina is here for him in spite of those fears. ]
Well, you might want to try meditating on it. It seems that based on the story you told me, and what happened last month... It's a part of you, but also seems to react to darker emotions. I think if you utilize that to try and reach out to it, attempt to understand and accept it instead of running away, it might help.
[ And then she smiles, something a little bitter. ]
Although it's probably a lot easier said than done.
[They are both so human, and this is so far beyond either of them. This isn't something that happens to real people... and yet here they are.
He squeezes her hand back.]
Easier said than done, yes, but... I can't deny you have a point. I think... it's trying to protect people, but some good that does if I don't really have control over it and it's not really capable of discerning friend from foe. [He gives a soft, bitter laugh.] And here I thought that whole Valentine's thing was bad enough. Apparently not.
[And that's when he goes quiet for a moment, squeezing her hand tighter and avoiding her gaze as his face falls. Eventually, he manages a troubled sigh.]
Although... based on something else I remembered during all that. I think I know why it got so violent then, in particular.
[ "Trying to protect people", huh. For a flicker of a second, Raina can't help a rather faint chuckle escape her lips, because that ideal — that concept? It really is like him to have something like that, isn't it?
It suits him. ]
That's true.
[ With a free hand she rests it under her chin, humming rather contemplatively as she mulls it all over in her head. Coming up with ideas to counteract things was always her forte, and even if she's probably the most normal person to get the application, even if she has no powers and abilities - things that she was initially jealous of, but now she'd honestly prefer it this way - Raina thinks that at the very least, she can assist her brother with words of support.
She'll have his back. ]
I wonder... And obviously this is just a guess, so take it with a grain of salt, if it doesn't actually understand the concepts? Like maybe it's something that needs to be taught. [ She laughs a little before running a hand through her bangs. ] Geez, this really does sound stupid, but it's the first thing I thought of. And honestly, Valentine's Day is cancelled. It's the worst holiday now, in my book.
[ Not just because of what Rean did during that time, but because of her memory that she's been keeping from him, too.
When he squeezes her hand a little tighter, she can't help but shift her gaze towards it for a moment before looking back up at him straight, even if she's worried about what he might follow up with. ]
What is it? Does it have something to do with the other thing you were going to talk to me about, or...?
Heh... well, that's the goal. Doesn't hurt to go at it from more than one direction, though, so I'll do my best. The last thing my past self ever wanted was for this thing to hurt someone I loved... and now, all I want is to make sure it never does that – or worse – again.
[But, ah, yes. She's hit the nail on the head, which doesn't surprise him.]
...Yeah.
Back in December, when I first started remembering things, I remembered being in the cockpit of something, staring down a giant blue robot. [A pause, then a scoff.] I told you it only got more anime from there.
But I remembered it – or, rather, who was in it – talking to me, and I remembered how much it hurt to hear how... dead they sounded before they kicked my ass.
And I've been trying ever since to pretend I didn't know exactly who was in there, but there's no denying it anymore. I don't know how or why, but I know Crow betrayed us in our past lives. Even if Crow hadn't confirmed it himself on Retrospec, my memories have.
[And as hard as that was to admit, the next part is clearly harder.]
When you attacked him... I didn't even see you. I was back in that cockpit again, and the two of us were facing off against another robot. Red, this time. Crow went charging forward, it stabbed its tail into the ground...
[He swallows hard, staring down at the table.]
And it came out in front of and went straight through Crow.
["I'm fine! It barely scratched me!" Rean wants to believe those words, but... he'd just be lying to himself again, wouldn't he?]
And all I could think was "not again, never again—" and that's when I lost it.
[ She can't do much. That's something she's absolutely certain about, at least.
But listening to him?
This, she can do. ]
And I get it. Hurting somebody, it—
[ It's subtle, but he'll probably notice how her voice cracks just talking about it; how guilt seems to eat at her as she squeezes his hand a little tighter.
She doesn't want to let go.
Because just thinking about it is terrifying in every right. And she hates just how weak and dependent she truly is. How she wants to cling and not be alone anymore, but feels like she has to be alone because she doesn't deserve people being close to her. Two contradictory thoughts. ]
Anyway, you're probably thinking too much. Honestly, the whole 'past life' memory crap is going to leave you with more questions than answers and you might not even get those answers if your past self doesn't remember it, either. Anyway, I think that part should either be left aside for now or. You could talk to the others about it.
But... [ She smiles at him, just a little fond. ] You really care about him a lot, don't you? Enough that you don't want to lose him. I don't think that's a bad thing. I'll support whatever decision you'll make — ah, unless it's really stupid, then I'll have to intervene.
But it's... really, really hard to separate the two. I have so many other memories that match up so well with who I know Crow to be in this life, so many little patterns we find ourselves falling into that are just the same.
And I wish I could say, "well, obviously, that's who Crow is. You know him." But then I have these memories of him sounding just hollow, of him knocking me flat and mocking me without remorse... and the thing is, even in this life? I know I don't know everything there is to know about Crow.
I don't know everything there is to know about you, and I've known you practically my whole life. I've only known Crow a couple of months. And even in these few months, I've found out he's been hiding things from us. There's more that he's hiding, I'm sure of it.
[It's now that he looks up at her, uncertain and frightened. He'd never show this part of himself to anyone else, not so openly.]
...but I can ignore all of that, you know? I can deal with that as it comes.
But I already lost him once before. And with the way things are now, with the layers and Vanderwheele and everything else... there's a very real possibility I'll be in a situation again where there's nothing I can do to save him.
If... if I lose him again...
["I don't know what I'm going to do," he wants to say, but... no. That's a lie.
He knows. He just hates the answer, and he knows she would, too.]
Yeah, I get a lot of that. Like, for me, I keep finding that me and my past self are way too similar. Since I think about that sort of thing too, you know? Trying to compare the differences and similarities... and sometimes it kind of hurts.
Like wondering if, well, because someone is like this in memories you recall that maybe it's definitely like that. Like they're too similar, so you can't help but ask yourself questions. You know what, maybe I'm lucky that I don't share memories with other people. I'd get way too paranoid.
[ Raina, you're already too paranoid... although she does see that look on his face, so vulnerable and it makes her heart twist to see her brother, the person she looks up to, like this. ]
Putting that aside, though, I don't think you have to worry. If he is hiding things from you, I think it'll just need some time. Best not to force it.
As for the latter, if you're really that worried about losing him again, that's when you should talk to someone about it, right? You shouldn't have to carry these burdens by yourself. And there's plenty of people that would want to help, you know?
I know it's a little hypocritical of me to say that, as someone who doesn't really have friends, but... yeah.
...Yeah. It was nice at first, when we kept finding that even little things had carried over from back then. It's... probably a little stupid to say out loud, but it seemed like it was fate, you know?
[Stupid, or just embarrassing because even he knows how gay that sounds? It is a mystery.]
If you think that, though... I think I'd rather believe in that from you than from myself.
[He shakes his head a little at the last bit]
I know I should, but it's been part of the reason I've been afraid to reach out to them. None of that is really news I know how to break.
[ She can't help but chuckle a bit. Yeah, it's definitely gay, but Raina sure isn't going to admit that. ]
Sorry, sorry, I couldn't help myself. But I think that you should try believing in yourself a little more. And if you're scared...
[ She remembers being afraid to open up to people, as Inaba. Saying that they wouldn't accept her, and that things would wind up worse rather than better.
Maybe...
Just maybe... ]
If you're afraid to tell them by yourself, I can come with you to back you up. And maybe practicing what you want to say might help...? Only if you want to.
You're extremely obvious. But it's okay, because it's just me. I can easily see things like that.
[ And she remembers very well conversations with Taichi, figuring him out felt easy. Calling Taichi out that he liked someone else (not her, it couldn't have been her) was easy. But it hurt to admit it.
But he couldn't see through her, so at the time?
It was fine.
And, well, seeing Rean like this reminds her of that, just a little bit. ]
But don't worry, I'll support your relationship if you do decide to go for it. And if things go wrong, I'll be here for that, too. Anyway, you don't have to rush into things. You can just take your time.
[ Her smile tugs a little brighter as she squeezes his hand one more time and she finally lets go of him. ]
I think they're finally here with our food, so let's just eat.
[Rean seems calmed by that promise, at least. He can't trust in much, right now, but after talking everything out, he definitely trusts Raina with this.]
Thanks. Right now... I think I just want to see where dealing with all of this goes. After that, who knows?
[His smile's a little brighter, too, a huge weight looking like it's lifted from his shoulders.]
[ The fact that he trusts her with so much - and she can see that; after all, would he have said anything if he didn't trust her to begin with? - is honestly rather astounding in her eyes sometimes.
And seeing him smile like that, something more natural, makes her relax her shoulders as the food comes. ]
Yeah, and after a talk like that? This looks delicious.
[ Just let her grab the knife and cut the meat... she is absolutely starving and this will be all worth it, she's sure about it. ]
[Sometime in the evening once it's properly dark out, Raina will hear the thunk of something hitting her window. Which... might be a little bit strange, given she's on the sixth floor.
[ She's playing some video games as was her usual past time in the evenings, and given that it's still rather early, that's enough.
Although the sound makes her a little wary, so she's going to grab a hatchet from her room it's a cosplay item, so it's fake and slowly unmatched the window and opens it. ]
[Hi Raina, there's a girl clinging to your window. A cap is covering her ears, but she sure has red eyes and a pair of semi-translucent, sparkling wings behind her.
Oh god why did she crash oh god why did she crash into the window of a person with a hatchet--]
[ She can't help but sigh a little bit as she leans the hatchet against the window and just reaches out. Raina is just going to reach out to grab Yuuki to help pull her in.
Well.
This sure happened.
Raina herself in a simple gray pajama set that accentuates her curves a bit, sighing once that's all said and done. ]
[Oh thank you. There's an awkward pause as her wings catch on the window frame, but with a shrug of her shoulders they disappear, leaving her to tumble in properly with a yelp.
She's doing great. Hang on while she catches her breath after that little scare.]
J-just a little shaky... I thought I was done for.
[ That does not look like it's fine, although Raina does not say anything, her lips forming a thin line as she lets out a rather heavy sigh pass her lips, straightening herself out a bit. ]
Geez, I didn't expect that... Why are you doing something like this late at night- and more importantly outside?
It's not like I can practice flying inside, though.
[Phew. Now that she's starting to gather herself, she peers a little more closely at the hatchet. What's the quality, and is it something she'd possibly recognize?]
[ She can't admit that she's honestly not all that brave herself, given that she has some fear about going out late at night, but that's left unsaid.
What Yuuki will notice is that the place is big, but it isn't a high quality building. It's an old apartment. But there is a kitchenette with a small dining set up along with a couch and TV.
Oh, and there is a PlayStation 4 along with a stack of games. Hm. ]
[She's in an apartment, but he's in the dorms... maybe they really aren't that close.]
We're really lucky, I guess... my parents went ahead and paid for our rooms, even if we have to pay for all the other stuff. Guess they really wanted us out.
[Gremlins. But she brightens when she notices the PS4.]
It feels like I'm always hanging out with my brother, so it just made sense to invade his apartment once I moved.
[But she'll probably let the topic drop, because for one thing she's really getting the impression they don't get along and Raina's being polite about it, and also
GAMES.]
Can I see?
[It's probably just a courtesy because she's totally looking at the titles already.]
[ Not that Raina's actually jealous, given that she's actually pretty close to her own brother. Even if there's probably so much that they don't know about each other.
Nevertheless, when Yuuki mentions the games, she can't help but glance at her own pile, a little embarrassed. ]
Yeah, go ahead... It isn't much though.
[ There's a lot of variety here, if she pays attention - the latest JRPGs that came out in January (and then some, of course) - along with shooters and even fighting games. ]
[ There is an obvious fondness that slips through, because she understands that very well. Although when Yuuki pauses, Raina just laughs awkwardly. ]
Ahaha, yeah. They were really hyped up, especially this one, [ she gestures at one of the games ] since everyone has been waiting several years for the third main installment, even though all the other games in the series are just as important.
Eh, don't worry about it... I don't know how he's still asleep, honestly. Ride got kind of bumpy and I'm up now, it's not like I can't pass out again once I get back to the city. Believe me, that is the plan.
You're not kidding. I've been on the bus for a couple hours now, and it's not like it's not heated, but I still feel like I'm never going to feel warm again.
Ah... thanks, I guess. I didn't really chase him down here with the intention of doing that, but it kind of just. Happened. There were probably better places to have done that, he even made fun of me afterward, but I don't regret it and I guess that's what actually matters
Will do, but you don't have to. Your continued wellbeing is the best gift I could ask for
...Actually. I think I'm probably going to cut a lot of the details. The whole past life and Retrospec thing... I've brought our parents enough worry without sounding like I've completely lost my marbles on top of everything else.
We're both kind of screwed for this semester, aren't we? Ugh. I'm going to be working like crazy once I'm back to even try to catch up on the work I missed, but I'm pretty sure I'm looking in at least a letter drop in everything even if I burn the midnight oil until the end of finals week.
[DAMN IT, RAINA. DON'T BE HIM! HAS HE TAUGHT YOU NOTHING WITH HIS FAILURES?]
Raina, listen. If what happened down there wasn't my fault, it isn't yours, either. That place literally corrupted us. You were breathing fire and I had cat ears, for god's sake.
Don't throw your chances away because of that, or because of any of this.
[With Yuuki's help, Rean's made it to the right building, and the right floor. He's knocked on two wrong doors so far, but that's all right. It's a minor embarrassment if it'll get him what he's after.
He reaches up to rap his knuckles against the third door, waiting for a response.]
[ When she hears the knock, she knows what's coming for her. While she isn't entirety mentally prepared for what's to come, she's going to try her best regardless, masking her emotions with a deep breath and a steely expression as she opens the door for him.
While she's cleaned up and looking almost presentable in complete black, there are obvious signs of something off - the bags under her eyes and just how red her eyes are. ]
Are we going to have this talk inside or are you planning on forcing me out for it now, Rean?
[ There's no kindness in her words, or even any emotion in it, either. ]
[That makes two of them on the prepardness front. She'd know better than anyone – as much as he's trying to steel himself and look calm, he's nervous, too. Brimming under the surface, behind the thin line his mouth is set into.]
There's not much point in dragging this out more publicly than it has to be. Let me in, and we can try to talk this out like adults.
[ Her gaze settles on decisively glancing away from him, although there's something strained about her expression. The nerves are pretty evident as she shifts from heel to heel before pulling the door open the rest of the way, moving a bit to let him in. ]
It's not much, but come in.
[ Clipped and straight to the point. He'll notice that the place is on the older side even if it's pretty spacious.
There's also a lot of stuff but it's mostly organized with the living area and kitchen/dining being practically next to each other, although there isn't really a table in the dining area because eating at the couch life... ]
[That much seems honest, at least. Rean glances around as he enters, taking in everything.
This... definitely isn't the nicest area of town, but Raina's certainly done well with what she has to work with. He can make guesses as to why she picked this place, despite the location...]
I'd say you made it work.
[An attempt to lessen the blow before he actually gets started on this. Speaking of which... where does he even begin?
He takes his own deep breath to prep himself, racking his brain.]
I guess I'll start with this. What are you expecting me to say to you right now?
[...He sounds a bit more like he's talking down to a child than perhaps he means to, but he doesn't know what else to do in this situation.]
[ She says that with a shake of her head, shutting her eyes as if that would help come up with any sort of answer. Instead she just tries to calmly answer the first thing that comes to mind. ]
That I'm stupid for isolating myself in here. And for being a coward.
I don't think you're being a coward, and if you acted like you had any inclination of coming out before I made my way over here, I wouldn't have called this stupid.
I understand being miserable. I understand being afraid. But this is just... childish, Raina.
You're supposed to be better than this.
[He folds his arms, a moment to pause and think through his words.]
The things that stand in your way are things you could at least somewhat conquer if you didn't just shut down and refuse. The Retrospec stuff... the things that happen to us because of it are hard for any of us to deal with, but we have to suck it up, make our apologies, and move on.
And all of this... how long do you think this will last you, Raina? I know you don't like wasting our parents' money any more than I do. What happens when you need rent?
[He doesn't even really sound angry, just... upset. Disappointed.
[ It would have been much easier if he was just angry.
But he says that she's supposed to be better than this and that's when her brown eyes fix on Rean, looking at him in shock even though she should know this all already. But then her expression crumples so obviously and it actually hurts? It's a sting that she didn't expect, really...
And she can feel the tears welling up already in her eyes.
She wants to run. But she knows she can't. She can't run away anymore, as much as she wants to.
"For now, please try not to isolate yourself too much..."
Her mouth opens, but the words don't come out. Not immediately. She closes her mouth, and tries again. This time she manages something, her voice watery. ]
[Oh, no, she's crying. He saw this coming, and yet he's not prepared for it once it happens.
...He can't crumple entirely. If he does, it'll be no good for either of them.]
...Listen. I just...
I want you to succeed. And if you won't push yourself toward it, if me being gentle with you doesn't get you closer, than I have to resort to this.
[He closes his eyes, trying his best to sound gentle yet firm.]
Starting tomorrow, I want you to start trying to find another job. Join some clubs at school or reach out on the app, see if you can't make at least a couple of connections, no matter how flimsy they might be.
And next semester, you're re-enrolling.
You're not going to repeat my mistakes, but worse. I'm not going to let you.
[ It feels like it's been so long since she's just been able to just let go. The last few weeks, she's just been trying to ignore all the suffering that's around her and burying herself in her apartment building, in the multitude of mobile games so she could distract herself.
And even though she can hear the gentleness in his voice...
Maybe it's because it's gentle that it just feels like he's proverbially twisting the knife in her chest. It hurts even more because she doesn't deserve him speaking to her like this. It hurts.
It hurts because she knows it's her fault.
If only she were stronger, then maybe it would not have been like this. She wouldn't have retreated like the coward she feels like she is. Although the more he talks, the more her mind reels towards other thoughts.
And it's enough to frighten her as she hugs herself, fingers digging into the sleeves of her arms.
Her hands are shaking and she can feel her whole body trembling, like she's shaken up about something that isn't entirely this conversation, and a part of her wants to stop thinking about it. But she can't get it out of her head, not when she's had restless nights just sitting with her own thoughts. Her past life's memories.
She clenches onto herself tighter as if it'd help stop herself from feeling like this.
It's a disgusting feeling and she wants it all to end. ]
I. . .
[ Hesitation.
For a moment, one could guess that maybe she'd argue the point, maybe she'd say no, you can't force her, but then what winds up coming out after all that is-- ]
I can do that.
[ It's hard to tell if her words are genuine or not though, given how shaken up they sound. ]
[ She freezes up and she finally lifts her head up to look at him, but there's something about how her expression seems almost dead that's telling. But in that moment, she doesn't actually see him.
"I'm disappointed in you, Inaba. I can't believe you would turn your back on your friends. I thought you were better than that."
Ah.
And the tears that tempted to start before, just barely at the edges of her eyes just go down full force down the sides of her face. It's only when it ends that she has to close her eyes and shake her head furiously. ]
I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't— I'm sorry. . .
[...He's been stared through like that before. Hell, he's pretty sure he's been on the other end of it more times than he can count, too.
...Damn it. He can't keep up this whole tough love thing. If she'll let him, he'll step forward, wrapping his arms around her and resting a hand atop her head to smooth her hair.]
I don't want you to be alone either, Raina. That's why I'm here, that's why I'm doing this...
[ To be honest, Raina feels like she could choke out sobs and apologies the rest of the day and the pain in her chest still wouldn't go away. She isn't moving from where she's standing, just trembling the whole way through as she just lets him do exactly what he has to.
What he wants to, really.
And if she can, she'll just bury her head onto his shoulder, still sobbing. ]
I'm stupid. I'm so, so stupid. I kept on lying to myself and... I'm really an idiot, Rean.
[ It's honestly so soothing and comforting, even though a part of her feels like she doesn't deserve this touch. Nevertheless, she finds herself leaning into it. ]
...
[ But she doesn't seem to say anything to argue about whether or not she can actually fix her mistakes, because she doesn't exactly have any sort of overwhelming confidence one way or another.
She finds herself sniffling a bit, trying to compose herself, but there's still a bit of a struggle in her voice. ]
I just- [ It's hard to get the words together, but she has to. ] I've had a lot of time. To think.
[ So much time that she winds up spiraling quite a bit in her thoughts. ]
You. . . remember what I said before? About my trust issues?
I'm not expecting it to just magically go away, you know. I know it must be difficult to work through...
[Ah? That admission catches him off guard, eyes widening a little as his hair-petting stops just for a moment. But it's quick to pick right back up where it left off, Rean's expression settling into the barest hint of a smile.]
Yeah. It's like, I want to trust people, but I'm so scared that if I bring myself too close to someone, they'll just end up hurting me in the end. And I thought that for the longest time, if I believed that was the same for our relationship. . . It'd be easier for me.
[ She tries to steady her breathing a little, lifting her head to wipe her tears. ]
Sorry, I didn't want you to see me cry like this. That was really selfish of me. But anyway, I know better now. If I really, truly, didn't trust you, I wouldn't have spoken to you about any of my memories as "Inaba Himeko". I would have simply kept it all to myself.
[ This is the first time that she's actually said the full name of her past life and it somehow feels right. Even if she knows it isn't her name anymore. ]
[...He makes a short sound, reminiscent of a laugh.]
Nothing is easy when it comes to people, Raina. Holding them at arm's length or keeping them close. But... whether or not you understand, that's a struggle I'm willing to go through for you. And... I'm really glad to hear it does go both ways.
...I mean. I knew, or at least, I wanted to believe that. But it never hurts to hear it.
[He shakes his head a little about her crying.]
Hey, now. I'm not going to judge you over a couple tears. What are loved ones for if not picking you back up when you're down?
[ Although now she is absolutely pouting about a multitude of things, including the mention of that first name. It's made even more awkward as her cheeks flush a little, rubbing at the nape of her neck. ]
... And yeah. It's a pretty embarrassing name, though.
[...Rean has a feeling he's entered a fight he's not going to win.]
All right, all right. I still don't understand why it's embarrassing, but whatever, it clearly bothers you...
[Girls are so weird.]
That's hardly the point, anyway. The point is I'm glad you trust me. ...Especially with something embarrassing, if you really think the name's that bad. [A joking little smile.] But I can keep it a secret, if you want, if you can keep your word.
[ She knows full well that it is her fault, so she isn't going to argue with him on that front. In fact, a lot of the things she's done recently are things she isn't necessarily proud of.
Not like she was proud of herself for a lot, anyway. ]
I know. I just didn't want to worry them if they found out that I was in a dangerous part of the city because it was cheaper...
[ She's never wanted to worry them. That's why she's done so much so that they didn't figure out her anxieties or problems. ]
I understand, and I know that's probably why you didn't want me to find out, either. That's why I'm not giving you too much grief.
I just want that set as an expectation for the future, since we both know this isn't where you'll be forever. I'd appreciate you telling me as well, but I'm not going to force it. I just want to know, if I need to find you, it's not going to be a wild goose chase again.
Yeah, you're right. I know it'll be difficult and I'll probably honestly cry a lot more. Anyway, maybe I should get you something to eat? If you want. My treat.
[ He'll probably notice that while she's feeling better, she seems to sound like she's deflecting... almost as if she's avoiding something. ]
Hm... you know. I distinctly recall you telling me off once or twice because I told you not to worry about things, and "that wouldn't stop you from worrying."
Which is to say, it goes both ways. I don't need to know, but something's up, you just admitted it. So, I want to.
They say history repeats itself. Maybe it does, to some extent.
[He's glancing away. He has his own memories, after all, and they're...]
It's hard to fully say what that means without context, but even so. If you feel like you're making the same mistakes as Inaba, if it hurts, then you can work to fix it.
They've had their time. What's left is ours, and if we're going to have their memories, we may as well take them as a motive to grow.
Then take that as motivation. She did, and you will, too.
[He tilts his head a little as he acknowledges her.]
I know you don't want to worry anyone. I'm the same way. But it's not cowardly to talk about the things that are weighing on you. It doesn't make you a burden, or useless.
[ To be honest, she can't help but laugh a little bit when she hears him say those words, a little self derisive. ]
Haha... someone that I remembered told me that I shouldn't be keeping things in. That not everyone can read between the lines or be mind readers. That it's hard to understand each other if we don't use our words to.
I shouldn't be surprised that you agree with that. Actually, I shouldn't be surprised if you agreed with a lot of stuff from that particular conversation...
Oh, really? [He couldn't sound less concerned if he tried.] Well. That sounds like a medical emergency, dear sister! It certainly would be a shame to have to pass up food for a hospital visit, especially just because someone's salty that they're wrong...
I don't mind, just don't touch anything. I'll be back.
[ And she's just going to disappear into her room for about twenty minutes to get changed before popping up. She's wearing something pretty simple - just a black turtleneck sweater and jeans along with a trench coat. ]
[...Huh. Suddenly, Rean feels compelled to touch everything.
Still, he'll be a good boy, just quietly looking through her media collection to see what all she brought with her.
A part of him wonders what's taking her this long, it's not like they're going out. But, then again, he supposes it takes him a good while to get fully ready, too.
He turns to greet her just as she reappears, as if he knew she was going to be there. (Sometimes, those sensing abilities are useful.)]
I can only imagine what you'd be doing on your phone, but whatever.
[ She won't ask about it as she's pretty much gotten everything she needs, heading right out the door first before waiting for him to leave so she can actually lock it. ]
[ Just going to shrug it off before heading in the direction of said McDonald's. It's a walk away, but hey, it's there. Although Raina's going to be kind of quiet the whole walk. ]
[Rean's used to hiking around the city at this point, it's fine.
He's quiet, too, just tucking his hands into his pockets and looking out at the businesses they pass on their way.
It's fine, he thinks, things being quiet. It's better than the crying and the stress. It's a bit awkward, perhaps, but it still feels like a step in the right direction.
I'll admit I was watching when it looked like you and Crow might go off on one another, but... you apologized, things seem fine, so I've just been minding my own business.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
2/1, ~9AM
Friends and I were planning to grab dinner to celebrate the city not being on fire and I thought it might be a good opportunity to introduce you
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How do you feel about seafood?
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And I don't mind seafood, but what kind of place is it?
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It's called Clam Down, maybe you can find a menu online?
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Ah, I guess this is my punshment.
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See you
2/4, ~noon, 1/2
There's a huge scar on my chest now. Left side.
It's not something you'd see regularly, but just in case we ever wind up going swimming or something, I wouldn't want you to freak out.
2/2, a couple of minutes later
[Someone knows damn well he's in trouble.]
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Really, really glad. :)
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I
Raina, listen.
I just didn't want to scare you. If you'd stayed back home, how would you have reacted if I'd called up and said "oh, hey, my whole city's on fire and also I got shot?" And now that you're here, I thought you had enough going on with being new to the app and dealing with the copies of you and everything else.
I'm sorry. I know I should have just been honest with you. I can't change what I did (or didn't do, in this case), but I'm trying now.
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Please don't hide anything like that from me ever again.
I won't hide anything from you unless I have to, so please don't...
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[Even he knows there's a chance he might break that promise, but... it feels right to make it, at least.]
And if that's the case... I know you know already, but you may as well hear it from me.
I got hurt on both of the "missions" I went on last month. I got attacked by a monster while out with Eren, didn't dodge correctly, it cracked my rib.
With Crow and Elliot, I took a bullet to the shoulder trying to make sure Crow didn't take one to the back.
In both cases, I got healed up with magic. I'm fine, now, but that does mean that with the one from this morning there's now two scars on my upper left torso.
That's the whole of it.
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You're reckless, you know that?
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[Rean, you're supposed to care.]
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If I hadn't acted the way I did, people might have been hurt even worse than I was or even killed. I can't allow that to happen.
If that makes me reckless, so be it, but I don't really see it as a problem.
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What she wants to type kind of... scares her, really. ]
So you're going to choose to protect others instead of yourself? I'm calling you reckless because I don't want you to sacrifice yourself for that reason.
What if you actually wind up dead?
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If that absolute worst-case scenario should come to pass, though? At least I'll have died doing something I actually believed in.
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But I'm worried about the future, and what might come up. If you sacrifice yourself for someone, if that worst case scenario happens, I don't know what I'm going to do.
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You're stronger than you think you are.
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I know that isn't. You might think that you're right and I'm wrong, but there's no way that I'd be able to be strong enough for that. I'd be all alone again.
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"Again."
...]
Let me put it this way: I'm going to help other people where I'm able. But I'm also going to do absolutely everything in my power to stay around so that I can continue to do that.
I'm not going to leave you behind if I have any say in it. Okay?
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I won't forgive you if you leave me behind. Ever.
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And that's all right. I wouldn't want you to forgive me if I did that to you.
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Anyway, let me go back to the first thing you originally said. You suddenly woke up with a scar from your past life? Do you remember how you got it or are we going "it is a mystery" here?
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I asked my friends, and Elliot remembers past me having this scar, too, but he said even past me didn't know how he got it.
Which is good, I guess? Nice to know past me didn't die from getting impaled or something, but it's still a bit frustrating.
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I don't know, not knowing how you got a scar is still concerning?
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Yeah, I thought the same thing, but Elliot mentioned that maybe it's better if I don't remember. Whatever caused this must have been traumatic, because, uh, it definitely is not nice-looking. So maybe it's better that I'm not having to relive that.
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Maybe it's better, but can we even control what we remember to begin with?
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Not that I know of. But I meant that it's probably better for past me, in this case. Current me just has to live with it.
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Well, as long as you understand that, Rean...
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Mm? Understand what, exactly? Sorry, I'm not really following.
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Yeah. I know some people refer to their past selves like they're completely separate people, but... seems kind of hard to do that when you share everything.
Still, what's past is past and what's here is here. I know that.
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Speaking of that, though... I remembered something. Just now.
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I was worried about him.
Something about... something called Heartseed liberating his weird desires and that he might actually die because of them?
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[Still. Not exactly hard to figure out what triggered THAT.]
...Guess I should probably say I'm sorry for making your past life's worries follow you here, though.
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I should also mention that I did find out a few things about my past life recently that wasn't related to that memory.
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Like what?
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Well, the name I remember in another memory that I had a different name... oh, and apparently I was Japanese in my past life.
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Well, that confirms the two of us weren't from the same worlds originally, then. The country I was from isn't even a country that exists on Earth.
What was the other you's name? Out of curiosity.
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Yeah. It's kind of disappointing, I guess. I'm curious as to where in Japan, but that's something I'll have to find out later.
Well, I don't remember my full name, but the others seemed to call me 'Inaba'.
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Inaba? Heh. It's cute!
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I can tell you right now one other important thing, then. I was a guy in my past life.
[ RAINA WHY ARE YOU LEAVING OUT IMPORTANT DETAILS ]
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1 / 2
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I wasn't a guy in my past life but I was in a guy's body in a memory, apparently.
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Wait, though. Like some kind of bodyswapping thing?
[He thought that only happened in their Japanese animes. Well... her past self was Japanese, so it's halfway there, at least?]
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So I guess I know what it's like to be a guy, now. Don't tell anyone.
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...I can't lie, though, I'm kind of curious. Since I've just always been this way, it's hard to imagine being in a different body at all, much less someone with a different makeup altogether.
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Not an experience I'd like to repeat.
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If it was that awkward, though, I'm sorry it happened to you. ...Her?
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And it's nothing to apologize about. Really.
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Anyway, I probably should get going. If anything comes up, I'll let you know, OK?
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Talk to you later
2/14; Night
So I wanted to give you a heads up in case you try and call your brother but he kinda passed out and he's sleeping on my couch
..
I realize that sounds sketchy considering the date but he's been acting REALLY weird
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I actually
[ There's a short pause but eventually-- ]
I ran into him earlier and noticed that he was acting weird. Like, kind of obsessive and clingy in the creepy sort of way.
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But that's about where my knowledge ends
[He waits a moment before texting again.]
That's what he did to me too. Said I needed to be protected and kept safe
[He's not going to mention how things eScaLATed from there--that's more than enough information.]
That about what you got?
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[ There's things that Raina's leaving out herself because she doesn't want to talk about everything else that he said to her. ]
Can you tell him when he wakes up to contact me?
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It shouldn't be too long, he's probably just worn out from being too edgy
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Wait
You capitalized that
What do you mean 'The Outfit'
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Heh
That's kinda cute, actually. Rean, our little goth punk
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Only you would say that. Honestly if you brought it up to him he'd probably scream into his hands.
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At least if him wearing the outfit in my house doesn't kill him first
We've all had those phases, though he doesn't need to know that
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Does that mean you had some sort of phase? What was it?
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Wouldn't YOU like to know
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Ol' Crow's teen years are staying buried where they belong
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I'll figure out another way to find out, then, just you wait.
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[It's not as hard as he makes it sound, Raina. He has a facebook he never uses anymore.]
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I'll make sure to tell Rean of my results, then!
2/14, night but later than crow's;
...He's not sure if he wants her to pick up or not.]
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Rean?!
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Y-yeah, it's me. Hey.
[He sounds a lot more like himself, now, at least.]
...Crow told me you wanted me to get in contact. And, ah, he wanted me to let you know he's been teasing me for whatever the hell I woke up wearing.
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[ There seems to be an obvious audible relief on her end of the line as she lets out a rather relieved sigh. He might actually notice that her voice might sound a little watery though. ]
Yeah, I did, I was really worried. I'm glad, though. You sound like you're back to normal.
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[He does notice, and between that and her admission of worry, the guilt settles heavily in his chest.]
...I don't remember everything, if I'm honest. But... I know whatever I was doing, I really upset you.
So... I'm sorry.
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[ Just. Give her a moment to wipe her wet eyes and steady her voice a bit; she doesn't like having Rean hear like this, even if he's the one closest to her. ]
It's okay, it's not your fault, Rean.
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Yes, it is. Even if Vanderwheele or Retrospec or... whatever caused that, it's not like I'm not responsible for my own mind.
If I hurt you, I don't want you to let me off the hook just because it's easier, Raina.
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[ She sounds... pretty angry, even frustrated, now, although a lot of it doesn't seem directed at him. But her voice smooths itself out as she tries to compose herself. ]
Like I told you before, everyone's emotions and behaviors have been strange lately. Blown full out of proportion to the point where it's so dangerous for a normal person like me to go outside.
You're not the only one. Like... would you honestly blame your friends for being out of control if this sort of thing happened to them? Sure, it's easier for people to shift the blame onto something else but with something like this... I don't want you carrying all the burden, you know?
And, uh... If you want me to give you a full rundown of what happened, at least, when I saw you, I can. I won't sugarcoat anything.
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[Well, that takes any and all wind right out of his sails, and he find himself flopping that much further into the couch.
Pachinko trills at him in confusion, and he reaches out a hand to absently scratch at his ear.]
I guess that's true enough, it's just...
[Another sigh, frustrated at himself.]
...I guess it is hard to apologize for something I don't entirely remember, yeah. If... you wouldn't mind giving me a rundown of what happened, I would appreciate it.
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[ Her voice is calm enough, but she eventually manages to relay everything out for him, not leaving a single word out. Of course, she doesn't state her actual feelings on the situation, but she does give him the full script of what everyone said and did, at least.
It's honestly sometimes a little terrifying that she can actually relay so much of the words without any hesitation or emotion in her own voice. ]
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Once she is...]
...All right. Am I allowed to apologize now?
[It doesn't sound like Raina's explanation has eased Rean's concerns any. If anything, he sounds more set in them now than he did.]
Because while some of that was whatever it was that took a hold of me... some of those things are still things I've felt, whether I like it or not.
I need to carry some of that burden.
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Which parts are you apologizing for, then?
[ While Raina isn't answering his question properly, she isn't going to make any rash decisions until she hears a proper answer from him, even if she does have some vague idea of which parts were actually him. ]
Because whether or not I'll accept your apology depends on that.
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[...He hates this. But it's Raina. If he can say this honestly to anyone at all...]
I can't deny that's how I feel. You and the others... you're everything to me. If anything were to happen to you...
[...he can't finish that thought. It makes his chest ache.]
...The point is. That much, at least... that was me.
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She doesn't seem to answer immediately, letting silence hang in the air for about a minute or so before speaking up again. Even though he says words like that, her feelings on the matter, they're... ]
And I meant every last word I said then. I'm not worth being that important.
[ Her voice is a little softer, there. ]
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His voice is soft in response, but he doesn't back down.]
You are.
[A lengthy pause on his own end, trying to figure out how he wants to word this.]
...which isn't to say that you aren't right. It is awful of me to say that after I abandoned you for two years. But, you should know... it was never my intention to make you feel that way.
I know that doesn't change anything, I just... you're talented, Raina. I've just been faking it all along, but you... you actually could live up to the expectations anyone else had of you. Could surpass them, even.
I didn't want to abandon you. You're my sister, I love you, I always have...
I just... didn't want to be the chain that held you back. And I never stopped to think how it would look from your end.
You're one of the most important people in my life, and you always will be, memories be damned. I'm just... I'm sorry that I hurt you, Raina.
You deserve better than me.
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Carefully takes it in and then lets out another breath. ]
I-
[ I don't have any talent at all. I'm not like everyone else on the application. Both me, and my past self are useless, I'm sure of it.
But she doesn't say that at all. Instead, what she does say is something in a similar vein, but avoiding certain things. ]
That's not true, Rean. I don't have any talent at all. [ She laughs a little bitterly, almost a little hollow. ] If you're saying that you've been faking it all along... I'm the same way, you know. It's so easy to just fake everything.
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I just muddled my way through high school and I'm just floundering to keep my head above water.
[He's talking about this life, not his past life. Raina's the one who insists they're separate, after all, and no matter how much he sometimes wishes it weren't so this is the life he's living now.]
Everything else? Yeah. I know how easy it is to fake it. I do it all the time.
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[ As she admits those words, he'll notice that her voice seems to be trembling a slight bit. Like it's difficult to even say any of this. ]
Since I don't trust anyone, after all. I always have to pretend to be someone else, meet everyone else's expectations, because that's what they want from me, right...? Because why would anyone like someone who is weak like this...? People only like someone who's strong, someone who can support them, someone who can actually help them... That's all I'm useful for. Without any of that, I'm useless. I'm just trash.
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[And to that latter part... his own shaking sigh.]
That's not true at all, Raina. If people only wanted people who were strong and useful around, they'd have discarded me a long time ago. Sure, maybe I'm recovering some of my past self's skills now, but even then with how I've thrown myself in harm's way I think everyone knows I'm more a liability than anything. And listen to me now... I'm not strong at all.
[It's such a good thing he can hear the water running, or he imagines Crow would come storming out of the bathroom to tell him off for talking like this.]
Regardless, though, I've never thought of you as worthless.
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It isn't that I like them, really, it was just easier to run away from everything and escape to the internet. Because online, it was even easier to pretend to be someone else.
But in the flip side, you could also see how bad people are especially under the guise of anonymity. To be honest, it just fueled the thought... the idea that all people are like that. That people would constantly be thinking of others potentially backstabbing each other, of doing terrible, terrible things to each other on purpose and being cruel... because I think like that, too and I managed to live what seemed to be a semblance of a normal life before the app, so clearly it's possible that others could think that way, too.
But you're not that way at all, even if it would be so much easier if you were.
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...Please. I've seen you fawn over hardware, and you've gone ahead and built your own to do way more than you'd ever need to browse the internet. You can't say that you don't like them at least a little.
And... well. There probably are a lot of people like that. There are even some on the app that don't bother to hide it.
Being pessimistic doesn't make you trash, it just makes you a realist. I don't see anything wrong with that.
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[ You can practically hear the pout in her voice. ]
But even realists aren't like this, though! They aren't constantly hurting and caught in the middle because they just can't trust anything or anyone when they really want to!
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[He can, and it makes him smile just a little before she goes on.]
That's the thing, though. You can't know that. You don't trust anyone, you have no idea what's going on in their heads or what they could be thinking. And it could be horrible, cruel things... but they could be tearing themselves apart just like you are, too.
And even if everything you've said so far were 100% correct – which it isn't, but I'll play along – none of that would change that I see you as worthwhile and important.
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But instead she just... leans back into the chair she's sitting on, murmuring a small 'why are you like this' under her breath before her voice lowers, although she does have to ask him. ]
Why would you still see me like that? Is it simply because we're siblings? Because we've been together for so long...? I won't take that as an answer, you know.
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Let me put it to you this way: I couldn't say half of what I've said in this call to my friends. They'd shut me down before I even got halfway through a sentence.
Hell... even just with this conversation. I just admitted to you I'm clingy as all hell and potentially unstable, and you didn't even blink other than to say I shouldn't be over you. Most people would be a little more freaked out, don't you think?
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[ Because guess who is also clingy? ]
It's kind of why I get terrified when I fuck up and get too pushy. I'd honestly do almost anything you asked me to if it meant that I wouldn't be alone again.
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Good thing only one of us is a blackmailer, huh...?
[But now, softer and more serious:]
Listen. I'm not sure if I can explain to you right now why you're important in a way you'd understand. But you are, and that's not going to change no matter how much you argue it or no matter how much you "fuck up."
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[...]
So, for now, at least... are we okay?
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[ Since she knows he's staying with him, at least for tonight. ]
Yeah. We're fine. I don't think I have the heart to say otherwise.
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All right. Just so long as you're sure.
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And of course I'm sure. I'm not mad at you. I never really was.
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...Ah, okay, yeah, he's definitely getting out of there. I probably shouldn't keep him out of his own living room for too long. Talk to you tomorrow, okay?
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[ Sorry, she had to get one joke in before she hung up for the night. ]
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[He's laughing even as he says that, though. He's clearly not mad.]
Night.
3/4, late afternoon
He picks up the flower crown that the wolf somehow gifted him, twirling it over his hand for a moment before picking it up and taking a quick picture of it.
He texts the picture to Raina, along with the following messages:]
Wound up with this the other day. Think it'll probably suit you better.
[There's a decent pause between that message and this one, and if Raina's watching she'll see the little notification that he's typing on and off. He tries something, erases it, then tries again, but eventually:]
I'd like to talk with you about what happened down there. Whenever you're ready, and however you'd rather talk. I don't want to rush you or make you uncomfortable.
[Hopefully that's nonthreatening enough?]
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You can just text me now. It isn't as if I'm doing anything else.
[ She really, really isn't. ]
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If you're sure.
I'll be honest, I haven't really thought through what all I need to say. So I guess I'll just start with this:
1. Are you (physically, I'm pretty sure I know the answer otherwise) all right?
2. I'm so, so sorry for hurting you.
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1. I'm fine.
2. I'm not mad at you. It's not your fault.
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I'm glad to hear you've healed up, at least.
And as for that... listen. I'm not ignoring that there's an aspect here that we need to address about you, but as far as me hurting you? That absolutely was my fault.
Whatever that thing was, it was because of my own inability that I lost control of it. That's all there is to it.
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With the way things are, it's foolish to think people will avoid getting into danger from here on out. I can't just lose control every time that happens, nor can I lash out on whatever's in front of me as if it's my enemy without thought.
I'm not saying you're without blame here, Raina. I'm saying that you didn't deserve me trying to kill you, and I'm sorry it went so far as to go anywhere even close.
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[ There's definitely a rather lengthy pause on her end and there's probably a lot of flickering of Raina is typing... in and out before: ]
That's not true, Rean. There honestly wouldn't have been anything important lost if I did die, and it would have solved the problem.
1/2
Yes there absolutely would have been, don't you even dare
[Rean is typing...]
You don't get to say you don't know what you'd do without me and then turn around and say I can't feel the same. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you, but given what just happened, I can't imagine it'd be anything good.
2/2
Whatever that was, it could keep my body. I wouldn't want to keep living.
okay let me actually just properly label this with cw death/suicidal ideation talk
is actually no response for a good five to ten minutes because she doesn't know what to say. Eventually what she does type out is simple. ]
I'm sorry.
YEAH i should have done that whoops sorry ;;;
He doesn't cry, although he feels himself wanting to. He just tries to take even breaths, tries to calm himself and put himself together so he can actually say what he means.]
The only "problem" here is that you think there is one.
My other friends haven't replaced you. They can't.
There's nothing I have that you couldn't just as easily have yourself. You're just holding yourself back.
it's okay i wasn't 100% sure myself so no worries!
You say that I'm holding myself back, but...
Why would anyone even want to be friends with me? I'm not a good person
[ she types 'like you are' but then deletes it, knowing that choice of words would get neither of them anywhere ]
I don't even deserve it. And I have a horrible personality.
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The way I see it, I feed off of others' kindness and give nothing in return. Hell, look at me now. Even the attempts I make to keep the people I care about safe only hurt them. I'm a curse, if anything.
But you know what? Turns out, I said all of that in my past life, too. And my sister in that life, she said something I think you need to hear.
You don't "deserve it." So, tell me: who exactly decides who "deserves" kindness? Who decides who "deserves" friendship?
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[ There's a rather lengthy pause once again as she tries to collect herself. ]
Are you trying to lecture me into saying that the decision on who can give kindness or friendship isn't on me, Rean?
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What else am I supposed to do? Let you keep wallowing in how awful you think you are until you push me away, too?
Neither of us want that, Raina.
Besides, it may be a lecture, but it's true. I don't get to decide whether or not I deserve my friends. You don't get to decide that for anyone else, either.
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Why are all of you guys like this?
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What do you mean, "all of you guys," though?
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Listen. I told you at the beginning of this, the last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable. But the options you're leaving me with otherwise aren't ones I'm willing to accept.
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So are you done?
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Are you willing to accept any of what I just said, as more than a token agreement to get me off your back?
Am I allowed to be friends with both you and other people without having to worry in the pit of my stomach that you hate them? That you hate me?
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Yes.
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Sorry for being pedantic, but after everything that happened last month, and not just in the hospital, I don't want to leave anything to assumptions.
Of course, I'm open to it if you want anything similar from me, as well.
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I was always fine with you having other friends. I don't hate them, or you. I was happy when you told me that you had other friends, but I was also kind of sad, too.
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I don't trust people, after all.
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I don't know. I'm not an expert in this myself, I don't understand why anyone's sticking around at all after what happened, much less apologizing to me. But here we are.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say at this point
Just. If you promise to try to reach out on your own, I forgive you for everything that happened down there.
I still believe in you, I still care about you, and you don't have to understand why.
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Honestly it's kind of scary to reach out.
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Anyway, now are we done?
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Spoilers: it's Raina's.
[Oh thank god we didn't talk about the other thing, since I just remembered that my past life had a boyfriend...]
Well then. ]
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There's a whole lot to unpack, there, but he'll just send this:]
Soooo. On another topic entirely.
Any reason why I just heard your voice in my head talking about your past life having a boyfriend? Because that sure just happened.
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Forget you heard anything.
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Tell me everything.
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Look, I don't really know much but.
It might have to do with the fact that I remembered last night that my past self started dating someone. She confessed mentally (which she had no control over) a lot of embarrassing things and then he asked her out. That's it.
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[Rean, why are you so concerned. There's a very real chance he doesn't even exist in this world.]
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It's fine?! He's fine!!
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I mean... I am interested in hearing about your memories, just because they're yours. It doesn't necessarily have to do with whoever this guy is.
But in regards to him, no, that's good. Even if that guy isn't necessarily here, if you developed feelings for some jerk, I don't know if I could take it...
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Well, I don't really want to talk about them over text. And don't worry, I wouldn't have feelings for a jerk. I'm not that stupid.
[ In spite of her having a memory of him saying something cruel to her in some ways... but Rean doesn't need to know that. ]
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I understand that. Actually... there have been memories of mine I've wanted to talk about with someone a little less... you know. Involved, too.
Are you free later? We could get dinner.
I'm sure both of us could use the fresh air.
[He knows you're a shut-in, Raina, because same damn hat.]
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I'm pretty much free the whole month. I'd rather it not be a place where they might be able to find us, though.
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That's fine. That's exactly what I've been doing since we got out of there, is hiding out where they're not going to think to look for me.
There's a little hole in the wall place over on [LOCATION REDACTED] that's pretty decent. Meet there around 7?
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And I'll meet you there.
[ She sends that text out before going back to pretty much lazing around until it's closer to time, eventually getting herself prepared - actually making the decision to dress nice (a rarity!) as she goes out to meet him in front of the place.
She has very light makeup on and even lavender perfume (when she normally does neither), along with a chic black frame of glasses and dress with thigh high stockings and heeled shoes. She even is wearing a long black haired, straight wig that's just braided a little.
She might have overdid it a bit, but it's fine, nobody will know it's her! ]
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He's already grabbed a table, toward the back and out of the way, and gives her a small wave to invite her over. He hasn't gone as out of his way to disguise himself, but there are things Raina will notice – he's wearing his glasses again, he's left his hair unstyled (and therefore hanging a bit into his eyes), and once she gets closer...
Hm, that sure is an entire baggage claim he's got going on under his eyes, there. Rean normally adheres to a pretty solid sleep schedule, too.]
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Although she might get fired at this rate but she doesn't care, really.
But she does make her way over and-
Hm. ]
Have you not been sleeping?
[ She hisses that out so only he can hear it but even if she is chastising him for it, it isn't as if she hasn't done it before... Although after collapsing that one time, she's stopped keeping herself awake for days on end.
But she is pulling herself a seat, straightening herself out to the point where someone could practically label her a model. ]
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Either not sleeping or sleeping too much to try to make up for it. I've gone back to having a lot of nightmares, recently.
[Which probably isn't surprising, given what happened recently, but it is also something that used to be troubling in his youth. It's probably not that great that they've come back.]
But I'll get over it. I always do.
[He waves dismissively, pushing a menu towards her.]
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Are you trying to convince me or yourself of that?
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Mgh... is "both" a good answer? Listen, it's not anything you're going to be able to help with, so it's really not worth worrying you about.
[He's almost pouting at that. Who's really the older sibling, here...]
Enough about that. How have you been? Aside from... well. You know.
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[ She leans back into her chair as she eventually finds herself placing the menu back down onto the table, shaking her head in an attempt to clear her thoughts. ]
It's not fair if you're changing the subject like that, Rean. I want to be able to help you, so already dismissing it like I can't, it...
[ Ah.
She really does care too much, sometimes, even if she knows full well that as much as she'd like to do something, she's useless in this regard and Rean saying that she can't help kind of drives the point home. That thought makes the proverbial wedge in her chest twist as her expression crumples a little before she forces herself to open up the menu to obscure her hurt. ]
Anyway, I'm fine. [ Does she mean physically or emotionally, it's difficult to tell. But then again, she doesn't want to worry him any more than she has to. ] I did remember a few things between the last time we talked about memories and now, that's all.
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I know. But it's like before, you know? Either they'll go away on their own or I'll have to work through them, probably a mix of both. It's not as if you're useless, this is just a problem no one can really help with.
...I did come here to talk about some stuff you can help me work through, after all. [Quietly, revealing some of his reasoning now.] I'd just rather cover you first, since it sounds to me like yours are actually mostly positive.
Rather lead off with good news, you know?
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[ You can talk to me, is what she doesn't say, but implies as she cuts herself off. She knows she shouldn't have to be the person that helps him for every little thing, but having him deal with it himself?
It's honestly kind of lonely. ]
Well, I wouldn't say that it was all entirely positive. [ But it wasn't entirely negative, either. ] Most of my memories have been dealing with the same person lately, though. I guess you could say that he was initially a friend. To Inaba. I still don't remember much about him, but...
[ Trailing off a bit, Raina instinctively chews on her lower lip, feeling a bit awkward. ]
From what I do remember, he was selfless to a fault. It was enough to worry me - but you know that already, from the last time I spoke about him. But he also trusted me the most, out of everyone. Enough to tell me a secret of his in order to convince me to tell the others that I struggle with trust issues. [ She can't help but laugh a little bit. ] He even said that even if the others somehow rejected me for how I am, for how I can't seem to trust anyone, as much as I want to... he'd still accept me
To be honest, I was really happy to hear that from someone I considered a friend. Immensely happy.
[...]
I think that's it from me, though.
[ Just purposely leaving out the Bad Memory #1 because then she'd have to explain how she got it and Bad Memory #2 because she knows Rean would get mad at Taichi for making her cry. ]
We should order something, though. I was thinking of getting some steak over rice. It's a little pricey, but I haven't had anything besides cup ramen the last couple of days. You don't have to spot me this time though, I'll cover it.
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Heh... he does sound like a nice guy. [Rean seems a little more relaxed about it after hearing that, at least. You survive another day, Taichi.] I'm glad. I hope someday soon you can hear that sort of thing in this life, too, from someone who isn't just me. But in the meantime, I'm glad Inaba could and that you remember it.
[Food's a good idea, though. Hm...]
Mm... you know, I might go for that, too. I've been living on about the same diet as you. Could use the protein.
[He had shrimp not too long ago, thanks Crow, but other than that... it's been cup ramen life, yep. He's horrible at taking care of himself when he's in a rut like this.]
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[ Taichi is a selfless dumbass, but he's her selfless dumbass. Or Inaba's, anyway.
Nevertheless, it's hearing that alone which causes her to heave a sigh of relief. Before she laughs. ]
Ahaha, what the hell? [ Usually she's so careful about cursing around Rean but she could honestly care less right now, it's just a little funny. ] We really are siblings, aren't we? How stupid... we're both fucking idiots. I'm getting the strawberry lemonade too. It's refillable so it is absolutely worth it.
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[...hm, he feels called out right now. Anyway!
Actually getting a laugh out of her, even if it's self-deprecating, makes him smile.]
Yeah... yeah, we are. [Rean scoffs, avoiding her gaze for a moment. He may as well be honest.] ...Predictable fucking idiots, apparently. [He can swear, too!] A couple days ago, Crow made an extra portion of whatever he had and left it with a mutual acquaintance on my floor to give to me. Called me out for not eating well in his note and everything, and it's not like I've been talking to him since.
[He shakes his head. Crow spoils him, he swears.]
Refillable, though? I hadn't even noticed that. I am absolutely sold.
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[ She shrugs a little nonchalantly, although her smile drops a little bit. But seeing him smile makes her relax; in a way that can't be seen by pretty much anyone else. Which makes it kind of strange that she doesn't trust Rean.
Even if she.
She really wants to.
But her smile drops when she listens to his words, a little sad. ]
You're really lucky, you know that? I said this before, but I'm honestly kind of jealous. [ At least she doesn't seem to be irritable saying it this time, it's more... Melancholic. ] Then again, it's a little lonely in the apartment. It's too big.
[ .... ]
Aaaanyway, yeah, refillable stuff is great, but especially strawberry lemonade.
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[It's not like the place is too busy, so it's not hard to flag down a waiter and get their meals ordered and menus handed off.
Once the waiter's out of earshot...]
And, well... hopefully, someday soon you'll find someone who would do that for you, too. Who knows, maybe even that guy in your memories?
[A teasing little smile, before he sighs.]
'Course, it's not all quite that easy. [Half-muttering:] Guess everyone has to have some flaws, indeed.
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[ And now her cheeks color at the thought, because she is very much aware that he's making fun of her and she just gapes at him a bit.
She's unable to say anything but that's okay, because her thoughts just speak it for her. Thank goodness it lasts for the next three days, huh.
[Thank god he doesn't know about the specifics of the memories with Taichi...]
(I'm so sorry, Rean.)
Um. ]
Yeah... Anyway, how about your memories? You said you wanted to talk about those, right?
[ Let's change the subject! ]
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Wait just a goddamn second.
He's smiling again, but it's painfully thin and forced.]
Actually, no, no. It doesn't seem like we're quite done with yours. What specifics about memories with Taichi, hm? Is that the guy other you was seeing?
[Think a little quieter next time, Raina.]
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That's his name, yes, but it's nothing, I swear!
[ She sounds panicky and obviously flustered, her voice pitching quite a bit to the point where people around the area find their eyes on them.
Ugh. ]
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[His voice drops into a low whisper, that smile quick to fade.]
Then why, exactly, were you thanking god I didn't know anything?
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Because it's embarrassing?! Why would I want to talk to my brother about something that embarrasses me?
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[Check, Raina.]
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Will you tell me over text, then?
[She has a point, but there is no escape.]
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apparently i forgot to change my icon last time whoops???
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[...]
Geez. I'll text you... But you're going to regret it. And then I'll tell you "I told you so". Okay?
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I'll gladly accept any and all admonishments you give me after the fact.
I won't make you do it until after this, though, if it embarrasses you that much.
[See? He's a good brother!]
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[ Raina sighs a little defeatedly, taking her cell phone from her purse as she takes it out and quickly types out the message.
She's ready to die.
(I'm so sorry she's like this, Rean.) ]
Before he asked me out, he heard a mental thought of mine of me wanting to... do him.
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At least he was polite enough to ask you out first. I... guess.
[Cough.]
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I do, I do. I really don't need to hear what happened next, thanks!
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[He can learn! As for switching topics, he sighs.]
...Well. [Talking about his memories will be a pretty abrupt mood swing, but. He has to. That's what he's here for.] Where do I even start? There's... a lot I've been having to think through recently.
I guess I'll leave it up to you. Which would you rather me talk about first: the thing that took over, or Crow?
[From his tone of voice, neither of these topics are good.]
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[ Although when he does manage to switch topics, she can't help but let out a sigh to try and collect herself in hopes that at least she can listen.
Switching comes naturally to her, at least. ]
But okay. Let's go with the thing that took over, because I want to know what that is first.
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A sigh as he collects himself as well.]
Well... bad news is, I don't have a definitive answer for you. I'm not sure my other self quite knew what it was, either.
I remembered the first time it took over – took my other self over – right when Elliot brought us out of it. I was nine, and my past self's sister – Elise – and I got ambushed by this bear-like monster. I tried to protect her, and it nearly took me out. When I realized how much danger she'd be in if I did, I just...
blacked out.
When I came to, I'd ripped the thing to pieces. There was blood all over the snow, all over the little hatchet I'd brought to cut through branches, and all over me. Elise was crying, and it was because she was afraid of me, not the monster.
[He can't look her in the eye as he recounts all that. He manages to keep his tone more or less even, but Raina knows him better than anyone – she'll be able to pick up the way his voice just slightly wavers, how he's fidgeting, how his brows are knitting together.
He's scared.]
...The good news is that I've been meeting up with Eren. He's trying to help me learn to control it, so that what happened last time doesn't happen again.
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[ Raina is quiet as she listens to his recollection, and thankfully she takes it all in with a neutral expression on her features, just simply watching carefully the subtle shifts in how his voice wavers and how he seems to fidget a bit.
And then she goes ahead and reaches out to him from across the table, to put a hand on his arm to tell him that she's there.
She's here for him. ]
Okay, so which do you want to hear from? The words from your sister or the words from a friend that is taking psychology classes?
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Ideally, my sister. That is who I came out to talk to, after all.
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[ While her voice might try to be gentle, there's a slight waver there that catches slightly. And he'll feel that her fingers on his arm are trembling a bit, too. ]
Also, as your sister, rather than your friend, I know it's all fiction but maybe if whatever plan Eren has in mind doesn't work, you might want to fall back on a Plan B. There's a lot of anime that cover this sort of thing, so I could suggest that to you to watch it and see if anything they do to solve those sorts of problems might help... Although it's kind of stupid, isn't it?
I do have other things I could suggest that might be helpful off the top of my head based on what you told me, too, if you want to hear those, but that's more of "the friend" talking rather than "your sister". If you want to hear it.
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They'll be scared together.]
Heh... it's not that stupid. This whole thing is already like something straight out of an anime, and it's only going to get more ridiculous from here. Really, at this point, I might as well.
I'm willing to hear whatever you have, though.
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She closes her eyes for a bit, squeezing his hand when it's in her own, to show him that Raina is here for him in spite of those fears. ]
Well, you might want to try meditating on it. It seems that based on the story you told me, and what happened last month... It's a part of you, but also seems to react to darker emotions. I think if you utilize that to try and reach out to it, attempt to understand and accept it instead of running away, it might help.
[ And then she smiles, something a little bitter. ]
Although it's probably a lot easier said than done.
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He squeezes her hand back.]
Easier said than done, yes, but... I can't deny you have a point. I think... it's trying to protect people, but some good that does if I don't really have control over it and it's not really capable of discerning friend from foe. [He gives a soft, bitter laugh.] And here I thought that whole Valentine's thing was bad enough. Apparently not.
[And that's when he goes quiet for a moment, squeezing her hand tighter and avoiding her gaze as his face falls. Eventually, he manages a troubled sigh.]
Although... based on something else I remembered during all that. I think I know why it got so violent then, in particular.
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It suits him. ]
That's true.
[ With a free hand she rests it under her chin, humming rather contemplatively as she mulls it all over in her head. Coming up with ideas to counteract things was always her forte, and even if she's probably the most normal person to get the application, even if she has no powers and abilities - things that she was initially jealous of, but now she'd honestly prefer it this way - Raina thinks that at the very least, she can assist her brother with words of support.
She'll have his back. ]
I wonder... And obviously this is just a guess, so take it with a grain of salt, if it doesn't actually understand the concepts? Like maybe it's something that needs to be taught. [ She laughs a little before running a hand through her bangs. ] Geez, this really does sound stupid, but it's the first thing I thought of. And honestly, Valentine's Day is cancelled. It's the worst holiday now, in my book.
[ Not just because of what Rean did during that time, but because of her memory that she's been keeping from him, too.
When he squeezes her hand a little tighter, she can't help but shift her gaze towards it for a moment before looking back up at him straight, even if she's worried about what he might follow up with. ]
What is it? Does it have something to do with the other thing you were going to talk to me about, or...?
CS2 ENDGAME SPOILERS
[But, ah, yes. She's hit the nail on the head, which doesn't surprise him.]
...Yeah.
Back in December, when I first started remembering things, I remembered being in the cockpit of something, staring down a giant blue robot. [A pause, then a scoff.] I told you it only got more anime from there.
But I remembered it – or, rather, who was in it – talking to me, and I remembered how much it hurt to hear how... dead they sounded before they kicked my ass.
And I've been trying ever since to pretend I didn't know exactly who was in there, but there's no denying it anymore. I don't know how or why, but I know Crow betrayed us in our past lives. Even if Crow hadn't confirmed it himself on Retrospec, my memories have.
[And as hard as that was to admit, the next part is clearly harder.]
When you attacked him... I didn't even see you. I was back in that cockpit again, and the two of us were facing off against another robot. Red, this time. Crow went charging forward, it stabbed its tail into the ground...
[He swallows hard, staring down at the table.]
And it came out in front of and went straight through Crow.
["I'm fine! It barely scratched me!" Rean wants to believe those words, but... he'd just be lying to himself again, wouldn't he?]
And all I could think was "not again, never again—" and that's when I lost it.
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[ She can't do much. That's something she's absolutely certain about, at least.
But listening to him?
This, she can do. ]
And I get it. Hurting somebody, it—
[ It's subtle, but he'll probably notice how her voice cracks just talking about it; how guilt seems to eat at her as she squeezes his hand a little tighter.
She doesn't want to let go.
Because just thinking about it is terrifying in every right. And she hates just how weak and dependent she truly is. How she wants to cling and not be alone anymore, but feels like she has to be alone because she doesn't deserve people being close to her. Two contradictory thoughts. ]
Anyway, you're probably thinking too much. Honestly, the whole 'past life' memory crap is going to leave you with more questions than answers and you might not even get those answers if your past self doesn't remember it, either. Anyway, I think that part should either be left aside for now or. You could talk to the others about it.
But... [ She smiles at him, just a little fond. ] You really care about him a lot, don't you? Enough that you don't want to lose him. I don't think that's a bad thing. I'll support whatever decision you'll make — ah, unless it's really stupid, then I'll have to intervene.
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[And he still can't manage to look at her.]
But it's... really, really hard to separate the two. I have so many other memories that match up so well with who I know Crow to be in this life, so many little patterns we find ourselves falling into that are just the same.
And I wish I could say, "well, obviously, that's who Crow is. You know him." But then I have these memories of him sounding just hollow, of him knocking me flat and mocking me without remorse... and the thing is, even in this life? I know I don't know everything there is to know about Crow.
I don't know everything there is to know about you, and I've known you practically my whole life. I've only known Crow a couple of months. And even in these few months, I've found out he's been hiding things from us. There's more that he's hiding, I'm sure of it.
[It's now that he looks up at her, uncertain and frightened. He'd never show this part of himself to anyone else, not so openly.]
...but I can ignore all of that, you know? I can deal with that as it comes.
But I already lost him once before. And with the way things are now, with the layers and Vanderwheele and everything else... there's a very real possibility I'll be in a situation again where there's nothing I can do to save him.
If... if I lose him again...
["I don't know what I'm going to do," he wants to say, but... no. That's a lie.
He knows. He just hates the answer, and he knows she would, too.]
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Like wondering if, well, because someone is like this in memories you recall that maybe it's definitely like that. Like they're too similar, so you can't help but ask yourself questions. You know what, maybe I'm lucky that I don't share memories with other people. I'd get way too paranoid.
[ Raina, you're already too paranoid... although she does see that look on his face, so vulnerable and it makes her heart twist to see her brother, the person she looks up to, like this. ]
Putting that aside, though, I don't think you have to worry. If he is hiding things from you, I think it'll just need some time. Best not to force it.
As for the latter, if you're really that worried about losing him again, that's when you should talk to someone about it, right? You shouldn't have to carry these burdens by yourself. And there's plenty of people that would want to help, you know?
I know it's a little hypocritical of me to say that, as someone who doesn't really have friends, but... yeah.
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[Stupid, or just embarrassing because even he knows how gay that sounds? It is a mystery.]
If you think that, though... I think I'd rather believe in that from you than from myself.
[He shakes his head a little at the last bit]
I know I should, but it's been part of the reason I've been afraid to reach out to them. None of that is really news I know how to break.
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[ She can't help but chuckle a bit. Yeah, it's definitely gay, but Raina sure isn't going to admit that. ]
Sorry, sorry, I couldn't help myself. But I think that you should try believing in yourself a little more. And if you're scared...
[ She remembers being afraid to open up to people, as Inaba. Saying that they wouldn't accept her, and that things would wind up worse rather than better.
Maybe...
Just maybe... ]
If you're afraid to tell them by yourself, I can come with you to back you up. And maybe practicing what you want to say might help...? Only if you want to.
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...tch. I'm that obvious, huh? [He shakes his head a little.] It's fine. You can go ahead and tease, if it's just us.
[As for her offer, he smiles at her a bit more genuinely.]
...Thanks, Raina. I mean it. I don't know if I'll take you up on that right now or not, but I'll definitely keep it in mind.
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[ And she remembers very well conversations with Taichi, figuring him out felt easy. Calling Taichi out that he liked someone else (not her, it couldn't have been her) was easy. But it hurt to admit it.
But he couldn't see through her, so at the time?
It was fine.
And, well, seeing Rean like this reminds her of that, just a little bit. ]
But don't worry, I'll support your relationship if you do decide to go for it. And if things go wrong, I'll be here for that, too. Anyway, you don't have to rush into things. You can just take your time.
[ Her smile tugs a little brighter as she squeezes his hand one more time and she finally lets go of him. ]
I think they're finally here with our food, so let's just eat.
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Thanks. Right now... I think I just want to see where dealing with all of this goes. After that, who knows?
[His smile's a little brighter, too, a huge weight looking like it's lifted from his shoulders.]
Yeah. I'm starving.
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And seeing him smile like that, something more natural, makes her relax her shoulders as the food comes. ]
Yeah, and after a talk like that? This looks delicious.
[ Just let her grab the knife and cut the meat... she is absolutely starving and this will be all worth it, she's sure about it. ]
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Was that a muffled scream?]
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Although the sound makes her a little wary, so she's going to grab a hatchet from her room it's a cosplay item, so it's fake and slowly unmatched the window and opens it. ]
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Oh god why did she crash oh god why did she crash into the window of a person with a hatchet--]
P-please just let me in, I'm gonna fall!
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Well.
This sure happened.
Raina herself in a simple gray pajama set that accentuates her curves a bit, sighing once that's all said and done. ]
Are... you okay?
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She's doing great. Hang on while she catches her breath after that little scare.]
J-just a little shaky... I thought I was done for.
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Geez, I didn't expect that... Why are you doing something like this late at night- and more importantly outside?
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Because they're wings and I didn't want people to see me?
[She's still kind of self-conscious about the whole turning into a fairy thing.]
And- hey, wait a sec. Why did you have a hatchet?
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[ Another sigh. ]
It was part of an old Halloween costume, and I thought it would scare someone if there was a burglar or something.
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[Phew. Now that she's starting to gather herself, she peers a little more closely at the hatchet. What's the quality, and is it something she'd possibly recognize?]
Thanks for the save, at least!
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[ She sighs, just a little bit. The hatchet is fairly generic but it seems to be of decent quality. ]
Anyway, you probably shouldn't stay here too long, since it's not a safe area.
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Wait, do you live here all by yourself?
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[ She waves a hand rather dismissively; it's no skin off her back if Yuuki thinks that she can handle it. ]
And yeah, I do, why?
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[She's looking around at the room in general now. She can't help it; she's curious.]
I just live with my brother... er. [That gives her another pause, actually.] Yours lives around here too, right?
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What Yuuki will notice is that the place is big, but it isn't a high quality building. It's an old apartment. But there is a kitchenette with a small dining set up along with a couch and TV.
Oh, and there is a PlayStation 4 along with a stack of games. Hm. ]
Ah, yeah... he lives in the dorms, actually.
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We're really lucky, I guess... my parents went ahead and paid for our rooms, even if we have to pay for all the other stuff. Guess they really wanted us out.
[Gremlins. But she brightens when she notices the PS4.]
Hey! You game, too?
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[ Raina laughs a little awkwardly, rubbing at the nape of her neck as her gaze shifts away.
Well, she can't escape this talk since it's out in the open, huh. ]
Just a little. I'm not a huge gamer, though.
[ That's a lie. But she says it pretty smoothly that it's easy. ]
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[But she'll probably let the topic drop, because for one thing she's really getting the impression they don't get along and Raina's being polite about it, and also
GAMES.]
Can I see?
[It's probably just a courtesy because she's totally looking at the titles already.]
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[ Not that Raina's actually jealous, given that she's actually pretty close to her own brother. Even if there's probably so much that they don't know about each other.
Nevertheless, when Yuuki mentions the games, she can't help but glance at her own pile, a little embarrassed. ]
Yeah, go ahead... It isn't much though.
[ There's a lot of variety here, if she pays attention - the latest JRPGs that came out in January (and then some, of course) - along with shooters and even fighting games. ]
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[And there's a kind of pride in her voice as she says as much, eyes skimming the titles. Pausing.]
-Wait, aren't these the latest ones? I haven't even gotten around to them yet!
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[ There is an obvious fondness that slips through, because she understands that very well. Although when Yuuki pauses, Raina just laughs awkwardly. ]
Ahaha, yeah. They were really hyped up, especially this one, [ she gestures at one of the games ] since everyone has been waiting several years for the third main installment, even though all the other games in the series are just as important.
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[Also streaming her other, regular games... Her schedule feels packed to the seams these days.]
Don't tell me any spoilers, but did you play all the other games, too?
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[ Not that she has anyone to really spoil, really... ]
And yeah, I have. The HD collection should be in that pile, too.
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Wow. You're waaaaay more of a gamer than I would've expected!
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[ Words are caught in her throat before she can even dare to say them before she finds herself yammering out excuses: ]
I'm not really that much... A-Anyway, isn't it about time you left?
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[Oops! She scratches at the back of her head with embarrassment.]
I just got excited. I need more girl friends who game, you know?
[But she will at least get up and locate the door.]
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[ Just saying that rather offhandedly as she lets out a bit of a light breath of slight relief. ]
Well, like I said it's just a casual thing rather than anything serious. But anyway, hopefully you can get home safe.
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I should probably try to avoid crashing into your window a second time.
[Yuuki, you should probably try to avoid crashing into windows, period. She'll head for the door now though!]
Next time, let's talk more! Even if it's casual, it'll be fun to have someone to talk to!
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[ Thankfully she hasn't had to so far. ]
And yeah, yeah... anyway, see ya.
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[Raina now marked for receiving texts about vidya.]
sometime between 3/7 and 3/11
Hey
Update
on the whole thing I was super obvious about
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[There's a couple minute break, and then a picture: Rean (still looking exhausted) taking a selfie, flopped against the shoulder of a sleeping Crow.]
I am trusting you not to use this against either of us
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Not that she would use it as blackmail. It's too cute. ]
That's good. I'm glad for you, Rean.
Is that all you wanted to talk to me about? I don't want to waste too much of your time since you look pretty exhausted.
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Pro tips don't go down to Magatus it's horrible
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I'll keep that in mind. I wasn't planning on leaving the city to begin with, anyway.
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Good. It's like winter back home x100 down here... I mean I knew it always could be worse but I never wanted to know what it was like
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And geez, I don't think any amount of layers would save me if I went.
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[ RAINA......... ]
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Raina!!
Besides, if I'm already cuddled up like this, I'm not sure that's going to help much.
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[That's because you are, Rean.]
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Did you kiss him yet?
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But anyway.
Yes.
That may have been how I asked him out, actually
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And good for you! I'm proud of you, Rean. Well, not that I ever wasn't.
Anyway~ Give Crow my regards and congratulations~ Maybe I should give you guys some sort of present for getting together...
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Ah... thanks, I guess. I didn't really chase him down here with the intention of doing that, but it kind of just. Happened. There were probably better places to have done that, he even made fun of me afterward, but I don't regret it and I guess that's what actually matters
Will do, but you don't have to. Your continued wellbeing is the best gift I could ask for
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Look, just let me do something nice for my big brother as celebration, okay?
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But hey. It's a funny story down the line this way, right?
[On the other end, Rean sighs before replying.]
If you insist, I guess I can't stop you.
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Although they might not believe the entire story...
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...Actually. I think I'm probably going to cut a lot of the details. The whole past life and Retrospec thing... I've brought our parents enough worry without sounding like I've completely lost my marbles on top of everything else.
It's not too hard to cover it all up, anyway.
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I'll have to call them sometime soon, though, you're right. Preferably when I've gotten more sleep.
And preferably before the semester ends and they ask about my grades.
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Oh, no...
Please tell me you haven't been doing the exact same thing I have for the past week or so?
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is no response, it's just marked as read I'm so sorry ]
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[DAMN IT, RAINA. DON'T BE HIM! HAS HE TAUGHT YOU NOTHING WITH HIS FAILURES?]
Raina, listen. If what happened down there wasn't my fault, it isn't yours, either. That place literally corrupted us. You were breathing fire and I had cat ears, for god's sake.
Don't throw your chances away because of that, or because of any of this.
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Sorry, Rean. But at least she read it, right? ]
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He'll have to talk to her later. For now...]
...all right. I'll let this drop for now. I'm going back to sleep, so if you respond and I don't answer, that's why.
I'll talk to you later.
dear sister;
He reaches up to rap his knuckles against the third door, waiting for a response.]
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While she's cleaned up and looking almost presentable in complete black, there are obvious signs of something off - the bags under her eyes and just how red her eyes are. ]
Are we going to have this talk inside or are you planning on forcing me out for it now, Rean?
[ There's no kindness in her words, or even any emotion in it, either. ]
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There's not much point in dragging this out more publicly than it has to be. Let me in, and we can try to talk this out like adults.
[His tone is even, serious.]
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[ Her gaze settles on decisively glancing away from him, although there's something strained about her expression. The nerves are pretty evident as she shifts from heel to heel before pulling the door open the rest of the way, moving a bit to let him in. ]
It's not much, but come in.
[ Clipped and straight to the point. He'll notice that the place is on the older side even if it's pretty spacious.
There's also a lot of stuff but it's mostly organized with the living area and kitchen/dining being practically next to each other, although there isn't really a table in the dining area because eating at the couch life... ]
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[That much seems honest, at least. Rean glances around as he enters, taking in everything.
This... definitely isn't the nicest area of town, but Raina's certainly done well with what she has to work with. He can make guesses as to why she picked this place, despite the location...]
I'd say you made it work.
[An attempt to lessen the blow before he actually gets started on this. Speaking of which... where does he even begin?
He takes his own deep breath to prep himself, racking his brain.]
I guess I'll start with this. What are you expecting me to say to you right now?
[...He sounds a bit more like he's talking down to a child than perhaps he means to, but he doesn't know what else to do in this situation.]
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[ She says that with a shake of her head, shutting her eyes as if that would help come up with any sort of answer. Instead she just tries to calmly answer the first thing that comes to mind. ]
That I'm stupid for isolating myself in here. And for being a coward.
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I understand being miserable. I understand being afraid. But this is just... childish, Raina.
You're supposed to be better than this.
[He folds his arms, a moment to pause and think through his words.]
The things that stand in your way are things you could at least somewhat conquer if you didn't just shut down and refuse. The Retrospec stuff... the things that happen to us because of it are hard for any of us to deal with, but we have to suck it up, make our apologies, and move on.
And all of this... how long do you think this will last you, Raina? I know you don't like wasting our parents' money any more than I do. What happens when you need rent?
[He doesn't even really sound angry, just... upset. Disappointed.
Perhaps that's worse.]
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But he says that she's supposed to be better than this and that's when her brown eyes fix on Rean, looking at him in shock even though she should know this all already. But then her expression crumples so obviously and it actually hurts? It's a sting that she didn't expect, really...
And she can feel the tears welling up already in her eyes.
She wants to run. But she knows she can't. She can't run away anymore, as much as she wants to.
"For now, please try not to isolate yourself too much..."
Her mouth opens, but the words don't come out. Not immediately. She closes her mouth, and tries again. This time she manages something, her voice watery. ]
. . . I'm sorry.
[ She doesn't know what else to say, really. ]
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...He can't crumple entirely. If he does, it'll be no good for either of them.]
...Listen. I just...
I want you to succeed. And if you won't push yourself toward it, if me being gentle with you doesn't get you closer, than I have to resort to this.
[He closes his eyes, trying his best to sound gentle yet firm.]
Starting tomorrow, I want you to start trying to find another job. Join some clubs at school or reach out on the app, see if you can't make at least a couple of connections, no matter how flimsy they might be.
And next semester, you're re-enrolling.
You're not going to repeat my mistakes, but worse. I'm not going to let you.
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And even though she can hear the gentleness in his voice...
Maybe it's because it's gentle that it just feels like he's proverbially twisting the knife in her chest. It hurts even more because she doesn't deserve him speaking to her like this. It hurts.
It hurts because she knows it's her fault.
If only she were stronger, then maybe it would not have been like this. She wouldn't have retreated like the coward she feels like she is. Although the more he talks, the more her mind reels towards other thoughts.
And it's enough to frighten her as she hugs herself, fingers digging into the sleeves of her arms.
Her hands are shaking and she can feel her whole body trembling, like she's shaken up about something that isn't entirely this conversation, and a part of her wants to stop thinking about it. But she can't get it out of her head, not when she's had restless nights just sitting with her own thoughts. Her past life's memories.
She clenches onto herself tighter as if it'd help stop herself from feeling like this.
It's a disgusting feeling and she wants it all to end. ]
I. . .
[ Hesitation.
For a moment, one could guess that maybe she'd argue the point, maybe she'd say no, you can't force her, but then what winds up coming out after all that is-- ]
I can do that.
[ It's hard to tell if her words are genuine or not though, given how shaken up they sound. ]
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Although, that waver in her tone isn't lost on him.]
...Are you saying that just to get me off your back, or do you mean it?
[He's even gentler with that, expression softening.
He can tell there's more going on than just this. And he fully intends to ask, but not until he can be sure this is dealt with.]
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[ She freezes up and she finally lifts her head up to look at him, but there's something about how her expression seems almost dead that's telling. But in that moment, she doesn't actually see him.
"I'm disappointed in you, Inaba. I can't believe you would turn your back on your friends. I thought you were better than that."
Ah.
And the tears that tempted to start before, just barely at the edges of her eyes just go down full force down the sides of her face. It's only when it ends that she has to close her eyes and shake her head furiously. ]
I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't— I'm sorry. . .
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...Damn it. He can't keep up this whole tough love thing. If she'll let him, he'll step forward, wrapping his arms around her and resting a hand atop her head to smooth her hair.]
I don't want you to be alone either, Raina. That's why I'm here, that's why I'm doing this...
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What he wants to, really.
And if she can, she'll just bury her head onto his shoulder, still sobbing. ]
I'm stupid. I'm so, so stupid. I kept on lying to myself and... I'm really an idiot, Rean.
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You're not stupid. You've made mistakes, and you can fix them. You're going to fix them.
[But, he's not here to just give platitudes. So:]
What have you been lying to yourself about?
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...
[ But she doesn't seem to say anything to argue about whether or not she can actually fix her mistakes, because she doesn't exactly have any sort of overwhelming confidence one way or another.
She finds herself sniffling a bit, trying to compose herself, but there's still a bit of a struggle in her voice. ]
I just- [ It's hard to get the words together, but she has to. ] I've had a lot of time. To think.
[ So much time that she winds up spiraling quite a bit in her thoughts. ]
You. . . remember what I said before? About my trust issues?
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I can imagine...
Yeah. Yeah, I do. What about them now?
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[...]
But I lied about one thing. I said I didn't trust you. That was wrong.
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[Ah? That admission catches him off guard, eyes widening a little as his hair-petting stops just for a moment. But it's quick to pick right back up where it left off, Rean's expression settling into the barest hint of a smile.]
...I'm glad to hear that, Raina. Truly.
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[ She tries to steady her breathing a little, lifting her head to wipe her tears. ]
Sorry, I didn't want you to see me cry like this. That was really selfish of me. But anyway, I know better now. If I really, truly, didn't trust you, I wouldn't have spoken to you about any of my memories as "Inaba Himeko". I would have simply kept it all to myself.
[ This is the first time that she's actually said the full name of her past life and it somehow feels right. Even if she knows it isn't her name anymore. ]
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Nothing is easy when it comes to people, Raina. Holding them at arm's length or keeping them close. But... whether or not you understand, that's a struggle I'm willing to go through for you. And... I'm really glad to hear it does go both ways.
...I mean. I knew, or at least, I wanted to believe that. But it never hurts to hear it.
[He shakes his head a little about her crying.]
Hey, now. I'm not going to judge you over a couple tears. What are loved ones for if not picking you back up when you're down?
[...Oh, hey.]
"Himeko," huh? That was her first name?
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[ Although now she is absolutely pouting about a multitude of things, including the mention of that first name. It's made even more awkward as her cheeks flush a little, rubbing at the nape of her neck. ]
... And yeah. It's a pretty embarrassing name, though.
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[ She groans a little bit, running a hand through her hair. She definitely looks like a mess now, regardless of whether she wasn't one before. ]
It's because of the meaning.
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Nothing wrong with being a princess. You go by "Queen" on the network already.
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[...Rean...]
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All right, all right. I still don't understand why it's embarrassing, but whatever, it clearly bothers you...
[Girls are so weird.]
That's hardly the point, anyway. The point is I'm glad you trust me. ...Especially with something embarrassing, if you really think the name's that bad. [A joking little smile.] But I can keep it a secret, if you want, if you can keep your word.
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[ She says this so dryly and in a rather over the top matter that it's clearly not something to be taken entirely seriously.
When she speaks up again, it's with a bit of a wistful smile, something softer, kinder. ]
But don't worry. I wasn't planning to. I said it, didn't I? I don't want to be alone. I've always hated it.
1/2
[His smile widens, playful and even a bit cocky. A taste of your own medicine, Raina!]
Good. Then, I think with that settled, I'm out of things to lecture you about for the time being.
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Oh, wait. No, actually. One last thing.
In the future, you're at least giving our parents a real address to find you at, okay? Even if it is in a sketchier part of town.
I'm not going to give you hell for living here. But not having anyone know where you are, if something were to happen... that's dangerous.
All right?
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Not like she was proud of herself for a lot, anyway. ]
I know. I just didn't want to worry them if they found out that I was in a dangerous part of the city because it was cheaper...
[ She's never wanted to worry them. That's why she's done so much so that they didn't figure out her anxieties or problems. ]
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I just want that set as an expectation for the future, since we both know this isn't where you'll be forever. I'd appreciate you telling me as well, but I'm not going to force it. I just want to know, if I need to find you, it's not going to be a wild goose chase again.
That fair to you?
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[ She's actually quiet about it for a good moment as she tries to collect herself, just slowly nodding her head. ]
Yeah.
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[He steps forward again to just rest his palm on her head gently for a moment, as if to finalize this.]
Are we good, now?
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Yeah. Yeah... we are.
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Good.
I do love you, Raina. Don't forget that.
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This feeling of warmth at how much her brother really cares about her is nice, although she feels that she doesn't deserve it. Even if-- ]
I know. And sorry, again, for being a pain in the ass this whole month.
[ Her voice is still a little shaky from earlier, but she's at least managed to smooth most of it over. ]
Anyway, that's it, right? Nothing else you need to talk to me about or anything...? Speak now or forever hold your peace.
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[With a little laugh:]
Yeah. I think so. I think I can stop being a pain in your ass for now.
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[ He'll probably notice that while she's feeling better, she seems to sound like she's deflecting... almost as if she's avoiding something. ]
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[...hm.]
But.
Are you sure that's all you want to talk to me about?
[Just gonna call her out, there.]
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[ Surprise catches in her throat for a moment and she just smiles a little bitterly. ]
Yeah. I'm sure. Don't worry about it. It's nothing you need to know, anyway.
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Which is to say, it goes both ways. I don't need to know, but something's up, you just admitted it. So, I want to.
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[ She takes a short breath in and then out, smiling a little wistfully. ]
I just remembered something a few moments ago. That's all.
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[Not getting off so easily, Raina. Good try, though.]
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She doesn't want to, but she knows that if she doesn't, well...
Nevertheless, the words come out easily, although there's something painful about the way she says them. ]
"I'm disappointed in you, Inaba. I can't believe you would turn your back on your friends. I thought you were better than that."
[...]
That's what I remembered.
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They say history repeats itself. Maybe it does, to some extent.
[He's glancing away. He has his own memories, after all, and they're...]
It's hard to fully say what that means without context, but even so. If you feel like you're making the same mistakes as Inaba, if it hurts, then you can work to fix it.
They've had their time. What's left is ours, and if we're going to have their memories, we may as well take them as a motive to grow.
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[ She still doesn't have the context, but the feelings she had after hearing those words still linger in the back of her mind.
But she shakes her head. ]
Yeah, I guess.
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[The things you need to hear most are often painful, after all...]
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[ She admits that easily, trying so hard to keep the tremble out of her voice. ]
I remembered my reply to him, but I... I don't have the context of why he said that.
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That said.
...It's okay to hurt, though, you know. Until you get that context, or even past that if you need to.
[He puts his hands in his pockets with a sigh.]
Keeping all this stuff to ourselves, trying to tough it out alone... has that ever really helped either of us?
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I just- I know that somehow she made it past this. I'm confident of that much.
[ She mirrors his own sigh with one of her own, glancing up at the ceiling. ]
There's just a lot that I remembered... between the last time we talked and now. But you're right. It hasn't.
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[He tilts his head a little as he acknowledges her.]
I know you don't want to worry anyone. I'm the same way. But it's not cowardly to talk about the things that are weighing on you. It doesn't make you a burden, or useless.
I want to hear them.
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[ To be honest, she can't help but laugh a little bit when she hears him say those words, a little self derisive. ]
Haha... someone that I remembered told me that I shouldn't be keeping things in. That not everyone can read between the lines or be mind readers. That it's hard to understand each other if we don't use our words to.
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Because all that's true. We were given language for a reason, after all.
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I shouldn't be surprised that you agree with that. Actually, I shouldn't be surprised if you agreed with a lot of stuff from that particular conversation...
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[He's teasing... mostly.]
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I'm leaving the apartment building right now and pretending that I have no relation to you.
[ You can hear the sarcasm. ]
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Ahaha... sorry, not sorry.
But go ahead. If you do, I'll just follow you. Because someone may have promised her brother food, and her brother has not forgotten.
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[ She's
joking. ]
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[ Nope. ]
Fine, you win. Where do you want to go for food?
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Oh, I'm not picky. Just fast food is fine if you want to get me out of your hair.
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We'll go to the nearest McDonalds, then? I'm not getting anything, though.
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[You trained him too well, Raina.]
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Okay. Actually. Wait here, I need to get dressed. I didn't think I was going out today.
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All right. Mind if I take a look around the stuff out here while you're busy?
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[ And she's just going to disappear into her room for about twenty minutes to get changed before popping up. She's wearing something pretty simple - just a black turtleneck sweater and jeans along with a trench coat. ]
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Still, he'll be a good boy, just quietly looking through her media collection to see what all she brought with her.
A part of him wonders what's taking her this long, it's not like they're going out. But, then again, he supposes it takes him a good while to get fully ready, too.
He turns to greet her just as she reappears, as if he knew she was going to be there. (Sometimes, those sensing abilities are useful.)]
Good to go?
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And look, she took her time because she might actually do stuff outside after McDonald's and not be a shameless shut in, so... progress? ]
Yeah. Sorry if I took too long; you didn't get bored, did you?
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Nah. I've got my phone to kill time, anyway, so no worries.
[He goes over to her door, waiting for her to collect anything she might need before opening it and holding it for her.]
After you.
[Welcome back to the world, Raina.]
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[ She won't ask about it as she's pretty much gotten everything she needs, heading right out the door first before waiting for him to leave so she can actually lock it. ]
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[He shrugs. Doesn't sound like he was overly invested in it either way.
Well, he'll follow her out. Off they go!]
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[ Just going to shrug it off before heading in the direction of said McDonald's. It's a walk away, but hey, it's there. Although Raina's going to be kind of quiet the whole walk. ]
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He's quiet, too, just tucking his hands into his pockets and looking out at the businesses they pass on their way.
It's fine, he thinks, things being quiet. It's better than the crying and the stress. It's a bit awkward, perhaps, but it still feels like a step in the right direction.
Rean will take what he can get.]
4/1, during retrospec post
I looked it up anyway, though, and it's funny, so
Here.
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Do I even want to know.
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He's basically your classic internet troll, with a side of whiny entitlement and worrying tendencies.
But I think I've fed the troll enough for one night
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[ Just give her a moment to just.
Go ahead and read the thread. ]
Yikes.
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So you can see why I don't want him to think I've expended the effort to throw a meme at him
But. That is precisely how I'm feeling right now, that vine
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I can definitely see now. They're definitely not worth the memes.
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Ah, well.
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Is that all you wanted to message me about?
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How are you managing?
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...
Actually, I hope you haven't been reading my threads.
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I'll admit I was watching when it looked like you and Crow might go off on one another, but... you apologized, things seem fine, so I've just been minding my own business.
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Why? Should I be looking?
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Sooo. What did you show my boyfriend, exactly...?
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[DISTRUST]
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My favorite song.
[ she's messing with him ]
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It sure is.
[ spoilers: she did not actually send Crow that ]
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