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[dereban]

Raina Schwarzer

"Sorry if I can't pick up right now, but if you leave a message, I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks."

VOICE | TEXT | VIDEO | ACTION

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[dereban]

[ Her answer is practically immediate, because while normally she'd either be in classes or at work at this hour, she isn't doing... either of those things. ]

You can just text me now. It isn't as if I'm doing anything else.

[ She really, really isn't. ]

[motiv8]

[He's not sure he likes that response, but... here goes nothing.]

If you're sure.

I'll be honest, I haven't really thought through what all I need to say. So I guess I'll just start with this:

1. Are you (physically, I'm pretty sure I know the answer otherwise) all right?

2. I'm so, so sorry for hurting you.

[dereban]

[ Another apt, quick response: ]

1. I'm fine.

2. I'm not mad at you. It's not your fault.

[motiv8]

[(x) Doubt]

I'm glad to hear you've healed up, at least.

And as for that... listen. I'm not ignoring that there's an aspect here that we need to address about you, but as far as me hurting you? That absolutely was my fault.

Whatever that thing was, it was because of my own inability that I lost control of it. That's all there is to it.

[dereban]

It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't done what I tried to do, though.

[motiv8]

Maybe not immediately, but it's a part of me regardless. It was going to come up eventually.

With the way things are, it's foolish to think people will avoid getting into danger from here on out. I can't just lose control every time that happens, nor can I lash out on whatever's in front of me as if it's my enemy without thought.

I'm not saying you're without blame here, Raina. I'm saying that you didn't deserve me trying to kill you, and I'm sorry it went so far as to go anywhere even close.

[dereban]

[. . . .] [ There's definitely a rather lengthy pause on her end and there's probably a lot of flickering of Raina is typing... in and out before: ] That's not true, Rean. There honestly wouldn't have been anything important lost if I did die, and it would have solved the problem.

1/2

[motiv8]

[She gets an immediate response:]

Yes there absolutely would have been, don't you even dare

[Rean is typing...]

You don't get to say you don't know what you'd do without me and then turn around and say I can't feel the same. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you, but given what just happened, I can't imagine it'd be anything good.

2/2

[motiv8]

And if I were the one to do it?





Whatever that was, it could keep my body. I wouldn't want to keep living.

okay let me actually just properly label this with cw death/suicidal ideation talk

[dereban]

[ There is actually no response for a good five to ten minutes because she doesn't know what to say. Eventually what she does type out is simple. ] I'm sorry.

YEAH i should have done that whoops sorry ;;;

[motiv8]

[There's another lack of response for another good five to ten minutes, because Rean just needs to put his head in his hands.

He doesn't cry, although he feels himself wanting to. He just tries to take even breaths, tries to calm himself and put himself together so he can actually say what he means.]

The only "problem" here is that you think there is one.

My other friends haven't replaced you. They can't.

There's nothing I have that you couldn't just as easily have yourself. You're just holding yourself back.

it's okay i wasn't 100% sure myself so no worries!

[dereban]

[ To be honest, she looks at this text over and over and tries to run it over in her head, tries to come up with some sort of counterargument and it takes a bit as she just stares it down as if that would help with her response. ] You say that I'm holding myself back, but... Why would anyone even want to be friends with me? I'm not a good person [ she types 'like you are' but then deletes it, knowing that choice of words would get neither of them anywhere ] I don't even deserve it. And I have a horrible personality.

[motiv8]

Do you really think you're alone in seeing yourself that way? I don't understand why anyone would want to be around me, either.

The way I see it, I feed off of others' kindness and give nothing in return. Hell, look at me now. Even the attempts I make to keep the people I care about safe only hurt them. I'm a curse, if anything.

But you know what? Turns out, I said all of that in my past life, too. And my sister in that life, she said something I think you need to hear.

You don't "deserve it." So, tell me: who exactly decides who "deserves" kindness? Who decides who "deserves" friendship?

[dereban]

[. . . .] [ There's a rather lengthy pause once again as she tries to collect herself. ] Are you trying to lecture me into saying that the decision on who can give kindness or friendship isn't on me, Rean?

[motiv8]

You're damn right I am.

[dereban]

Is this really the time to be saying that kind of line?!

[motiv8]

If we're in the business of being honest, here, then yes!

What else am I supposed to do? Let you keep wallowing in how awful you think you are until you push me away, too?

Neither of us want that, Raina.

Besides, it may be a lecture, but it's true. I don't get to decide whether or not I deserve my friends. You don't get to decide that for anyone else, either.

[dereban]

Geez. Why are all of you guys like this?

[motiv8]

Because you're being an idiot. Which I realize is rich coming from ME, but if that's not a wake up call for you I don't know what will be.

What do you mean, "all of you guys," though?

[dereban]

You're not the first - and more than likely - not the last to lecture me. Not just about this subject.

[motiv8]

Hm. It's almost like what we're saying has some merit...

[dereban]

Siri, How do I delete this conversation?

[motiv8]

You can't. To use your own words against you: I have receipts.

Listen. I told you at the beginning of this, the last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable. But the options you're leaving me with otherwise aren't ones I'm willing to accept.

[dereban]

That's true. I did ask for this, in a way. Thanks, I hate it.

So are you done?

[motiv8]

That depends.

Are you willing to accept any of what I just said, as more than a token agreement to get me off your back?

Am I allowed to be friends with both you and other people without having to worry in the pit of my stomach that you hate them? That you hate me?