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[dereban]

Raina Schwarzer

"Sorry if I can't pick up right now, but if you leave a message, I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks."

VOICE | TEXT | VIDEO | ACTION

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2/2

[motiv8]

And if I were the one to do it?





Whatever that was, it could keep my body. I wouldn't want to keep living.

okay let me actually just properly label this with cw death/suicidal ideation talk

[dereban]

[ There is actually no response for a good five to ten minutes because she doesn't know what to say. Eventually what she does type out is simple. ] I'm sorry.

YEAH i should have done that whoops sorry ;;;

[motiv8]

[There's another lack of response for another good five to ten minutes, because Rean just needs to put his head in his hands.

He doesn't cry, although he feels himself wanting to. He just tries to take even breaths, tries to calm himself and put himself together so he can actually say what he means.]

The only "problem" here is that you think there is one.

My other friends haven't replaced you. They can't.

There's nothing I have that you couldn't just as easily have yourself. You're just holding yourself back.

it's okay i wasn't 100% sure myself so no worries!

[dereban]

[ To be honest, she looks at this text over and over and tries to run it over in her head, tries to come up with some sort of counterargument and it takes a bit as she just stares it down as if that would help with her response. ] You say that I'm holding myself back, but... Why would anyone even want to be friends with me? I'm not a good person [ she types 'like you are' but then deletes it, knowing that choice of words would get neither of them anywhere ] I don't even deserve it. And I have a horrible personality.

[motiv8]

Do you really think you're alone in seeing yourself that way? I don't understand why anyone would want to be around me, either.

The way I see it, I feed off of others' kindness and give nothing in return. Hell, look at me now. Even the attempts I make to keep the people I care about safe only hurt them. I'm a curse, if anything.

But you know what? Turns out, I said all of that in my past life, too. And my sister in that life, she said something I think you need to hear.

You don't "deserve it." So, tell me: who exactly decides who "deserves" kindness? Who decides who "deserves" friendship?

[dereban]

[. . . .] [ There's a rather lengthy pause once again as she tries to collect herself. ] Are you trying to lecture me into saying that the decision on who can give kindness or friendship isn't on me, Rean?

[motiv8]

You're damn right I am.

[dereban]

Is this really the time to be saying that kind of line?!

[motiv8]

If we're in the business of being honest, here, then yes!

What else am I supposed to do? Let you keep wallowing in how awful you think you are until you push me away, too?

Neither of us want that, Raina.

Besides, it may be a lecture, but it's true. I don't get to decide whether or not I deserve my friends. You don't get to decide that for anyone else, either.

[dereban]

Geez. Why are all of you guys like this?

[motiv8]

Because you're being an idiot. Which I realize is rich coming from ME, but if that's not a wake up call for you I don't know what will be.

What do you mean, "all of you guys," though?

[dereban]

You're not the first - and more than likely - not the last to lecture me. Not just about this subject.

[motiv8]

Hm. It's almost like what we're saying has some merit...

[dereban]

Siri, How do I delete this conversation?

[motiv8]

You can't. To use your own words against you: I have receipts.

Listen. I told you at the beginning of this, the last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable. But the options you're leaving me with otherwise aren't ones I'm willing to accept.

[dereban]

That's true. I did ask for this, in a way. Thanks, I hate it.

So are you done?

[motiv8]

That depends.

Are you willing to accept any of what I just said, as more than a token agreement to get me off your back?

Am I allowed to be friends with both you and other people without having to worry in the pit of my stomach that you hate them? That you hate me?

[dereban]

[ Another lengthy pause, for about more than a minute or two before she answers with a simple word: ] Yes.

[motiv8]

I would like you to actually spell it out, if that's all right.

Sorry for being pedantic, but after everything that happened last month, and not just in the hospital, I don't want to leave anything to assumptions.

Of course, I'm open to it if you want anything similar from me, as well.

[dereban]

Okay, I'll be more specific, then. I was always fine with you having other friends. I don't hate them, or you. I was happy when you told me that you had other friends, but I was also kind of sad, too.

[motiv8]

Because you feel like you can't have your own?

[dereban]

Yeah.

I don't trust people, after all.

[motiv8]

Maybe you don't need to. Without Retrospec in our way, we got along just fine all those years without you trusting me, after all, and you've said yourself I'm your friend.

I don't know. I'm not an expert in this myself, I don't understand why anyone's sticking around at all after what happened, much less apologizing to me. But here we are.




I don't really know what I'm trying to say at this point

Just. If you promise to try to reach out on your own, I forgive you for everything that happened down there.

I still believe in you, I still care about you, and you don't have to understand why.

[dereban]

I don't know if I can uphold that promise...

Honestly it's kind of scary to reach out.

[motiv8]

It is. But that makes success all the sweeter, doesn't it?