[ It would have been much easier if he was just angry.
But he says that she's supposed to be better than this and that's when her brown eyes fix on Rean, looking at him in shock even though she should know this all already. But then her expression crumples so obviously and it actually hurts? It's a sting that she didn't expect, really...
And she can feel the tears welling up already in her eyes.
She wants to run. But she knows she can't. She can't run away anymore, as much as she wants to.
"For now, please try not to isolate yourself too much..."
Her mouth opens, but the words don't come out. Not immediately. She closes her mouth, and tries again. This time she manages something, her voice watery. ]
[Oh, no, she's crying. He saw this coming, and yet he's not prepared for it once it happens.
...He can't crumple entirely. If he does, it'll be no good for either of them.]
...Listen. I just...
I want you to succeed. And if you won't push yourself toward it, if me being gentle with you doesn't get you closer, than I have to resort to this.
[He closes his eyes, trying his best to sound gentle yet firm.]
Starting tomorrow, I want you to start trying to find another job. Join some clubs at school or reach out on the app, see if you can't make at least a couple of connections, no matter how flimsy they might be.
And next semester, you're re-enrolling.
You're not going to repeat my mistakes, but worse. I'm not going to let you.
[ It feels like it's been so long since she's just been able to just let go. The last few weeks, she's just been trying to ignore all the suffering that's around her and burying herself in her apartment building, in the multitude of mobile games so she could distract herself.
And even though she can hear the gentleness in his voice...
Maybe it's because it's gentle that it just feels like he's proverbially twisting the knife in her chest. It hurts even more because she doesn't deserve him speaking to her like this. It hurts.
It hurts because she knows it's her fault.
If only she were stronger, then maybe it would not have been like this. She wouldn't have retreated like the coward she feels like she is. Although the more he talks, the more her mind reels towards other thoughts.
And it's enough to frighten her as she hugs herself, fingers digging into the sleeves of her arms.
Her hands are shaking and she can feel her whole body trembling, like she's shaken up about something that isn't entirely this conversation, and a part of her wants to stop thinking about it. But she can't get it out of her head, not when she's had restless nights just sitting with her own thoughts. Her past life's memories.
She clenches onto herself tighter as if it'd help stop herself from feeling like this.
It's a disgusting feeling and she wants it all to end. ]
I. . .
[ Hesitation.
For a moment, one could guess that maybe she'd argue the point, maybe she'd say no, you can't force her, but then what winds up coming out after all that is-- ]
I can do that.
[ It's hard to tell if her words are genuine or not though, given how shaken up they sound. ]
[ She freezes up and she finally lifts her head up to look at him, but there's something about how her expression seems almost dead that's telling. But in that moment, she doesn't actually see him.
"I'm disappointed in you, Inaba. I can't believe you would turn your back on your friends. I thought you were better than that."
Ah.
And the tears that tempted to start before, just barely at the edges of her eyes just go down full force down the sides of her face. It's only when it ends that she has to close her eyes and shake her head furiously. ]
I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't— I'm sorry. . .
[...He's been stared through like that before. Hell, he's pretty sure he's been on the other end of it more times than he can count, too.
...Damn it. He can't keep up this whole tough love thing. If she'll let him, he'll step forward, wrapping his arms around her and resting a hand atop her head to smooth her hair.]
I don't want you to be alone either, Raina. That's why I'm here, that's why I'm doing this...
[ To be honest, Raina feels like she could choke out sobs and apologies the rest of the day and the pain in her chest still wouldn't go away. She isn't moving from where she's standing, just trembling the whole way through as she just lets him do exactly what he has to.
What he wants to, really.
And if she can, she'll just bury her head onto his shoulder, still sobbing. ]
I'm stupid. I'm so, so stupid. I kept on lying to myself and... I'm really an idiot, Rean.
[ It's honestly so soothing and comforting, even though a part of her feels like she doesn't deserve this touch. Nevertheless, she finds herself leaning into it. ]
...
[ But she doesn't seem to say anything to argue about whether or not she can actually fix her mistakes, because she doesn't exactly have any sort of overwhelming confidence one way or another.
She finds herself sniffling a bit, trying to compose herself, but there's still a bit of a struggle in her voice. ]
I just- [ It's hard to get the words together, but she has to. ] I've had a lot of time. To think.
[ So much time that she winds up spiraling quite a bit in her thoughts. ]
You. . . remember what I said before? About my trust issues?
I'm not expecting it to just magically go away, you know. I know it must be difficult to work through...
[Ah? That admission catches him off guard, eyes widening a little as his hair-petting stops just for a moment. But it's quick to pick right back up where it left off, Rean's expression settling into the barest hint of a smile.]
Yeah. It's like, I want to trust people, but I'm so scared that if I bring myself too close to someone, they'll just end up hurting me in the end. And I thought that for the longest time, if I believed that was the same for our relationship. . . It'd be easier for me.
[ She tries to steady her breathing a little, lifting her head to wipe her tears. ]
Sorry, I didn't want you to see me cry like this. That was really selfish of me. But anyway, I know better now. If I really, truly, didn't trust you, I wouldn't have spoken to you about any of my memories as "Inaba Himeko". I would have simply kept it all to myself.
[ This is the first time that she's actually said the full name of her past life and it somehow feels right. Even if she knows it isn't her name anymore. ]
[...He makes a short sound, reminiscent of a laugh.]
Nothing is easy when it comes to people, Raina. Holding them at arm's length or keeping them close. But... whether or not you understand, that's a struggle I'm willing to go through for you. And... I'm really glad to hear it does go both ways.
...I mean. I knew, or at least, I wanted to believe that. But it never hurts to hear it.
[He shakes his head a little about her crying.]
Hey, now. I'm not going to judge you over a couple tears. What are loved ones for if not picking you back up when you're down?
[ Although now she is absolutely pouting about a multitude of things, including the mention of that first name. It's made even more awkward as her cheeks flush a little, rubbing at the nape of her neck. ]
... And yeah. It's a pretty embarrassing name, though.
[...Rean has a feeling he's entered a fight he's not going to win.]
All right, all right. I still don't understand why it's embarrassing, but whatever, it clearly bothers you...
[Girls are so weird.]
That's hardly the point, anyway. The point is I'm glad you trust me. ...Especially with something embarrassing, if you really think the name's that bad. [A joking little smile.] But I can keep it a secret, if you want, if you can keep your word.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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But he says that she's supposed to be better than this and that's when her brown eyes fix on Rean, looking at him in shock even though she should know this all already. But then her expression crumples so obviously and it actually hurts? It's a sting that she didn't expect, really...
And she can feel the tears welling up already in her eyes.
She wants to run. But she knows she can't. She can't run away anymore, as much as she wants to.
"For now, please try not to isolate yourself too much..."
Her mouth opens, but the words don't come out. Not immediately. She closes her mouth, and tries again. This time she manages something, her voice watery. ]
. . . I'm sorry.
[ She doesn't know what else to say, really. ]
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...He can't crumple entirely. If he does, it'll be no good for either of them.]
...Listen. I just...
I want you to succeed. And if you won't push yourself toward it, if me being gentle with you doesn't get you closer, than I have to resort to this.
[He closes his eyes, trying his best to sound gentle yet firm.]
Starting tomorrow, I want you to start trying to find another job. Join some clubs at school or reach out on the app, see if you can't make at least a couple of connections, no matter how flimsy they might be.
And next semester, you're re-enrolling.
You're not going to repeat my mistakes, but worse. I'm not going to let you.
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And even though she can hear the gentleness in his voice...
Maybe it's because it's gentle that it just feels like he's proverbially twisting the knife in her chest. It hurts even more because she doesn't deserve him speaking to her like this. It hurts.
It hurts because she knows it's her fault.
If only she were stronger, then maybe it would not have been like this. She wouldn't have retreated like the coward she feels like she is. Although the more he talks, the more her mind reels towards other thoughts.
And it's enough to frighten her as she hugs herself, fingers digging into the sleeves of her arms.
Her hands are shaking and she can feel her whole body trembling, like she's shaken up about something that isn't entirely this conversation, and a part of her wants to stop thinking about it. But she can't get it out of her head, not when she's had restless nights just sitting with her own thoughts. Her past life's memories.
She clenches onto herself tighter as if it'd help stop herself from feeling like this.
It's a disgusting feeling and she wants it all to end. ]
I. . .
[ Hesitation.
For a moment, one could guess that maybe she'd argue the point, maybe she'd say no, you can't force her, but then what winds up coming out after all that is-- ]
I can do that.
[ It's hard to tell if her words are genuine or not though, given how shaken up they sound. ]
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Although, that waver in her tone isn't lost on him.]
...Are you saying that just to get me off your back, or do you mean it?
[He's even gentler with that, expression softening.
He can tell there's more going on than just this. And he fully intends to ask, but not until he can be sure this is dealt with.]
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[ She freezes up and she finally lifts her head up to look at him, but there's something about how her expression seems almost dead that's telling. But in that moment, she doesn't actually see him.
"I'm disappointed in you, Inaba. I can't believe you would turn your back on your friends. I thought you were better than that."
Ah.
And the tears that tempted to start before, just barely at the edges of her eyes just go down full force down the sides of her face. It's only when it ends that she has to close her eyes and shake her head furiously. ]
I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't— I'm sorry. . .
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...Damn it. He can't keep up this whole tough love thing. If she'll let him, he'll step forward, wrapping his arms around her and resting a hand atop her head to smooth her hair.]
I don't want you to be alone either, Raina. That's why I'm here, that's why I'm doing this...
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What he wants to, really.
And if she can, she'll just bury her head onto his shoulder, still sobbing. ]
I'm stupid. I'm so, so stupid. I kept on lying to myself and... I'm really an idiot, Rean.
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You're not stupid. You've made mistakes, and you can fix them. You're going to fix them.
[But, he's not here to just give platitudes. So:]
What have you been lying to yourself about?
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...
[ But she doesn't seem to say anything to argue about whether or not she can actually fix her mistakes, because she doesn't exactly have any sort of overwhelming confidence one way or another.
She finds herself sniffling a bit, trying to compose herself, but there's still a bit of a struggle in her voice. ]
I just- [ It's hard to get the words together, but she has to. ] I've had a lot of time. To think.
[ So much time that she winds up spiraling quite a bit in her thoughts. ]
You. . . remember what I said before? About my trust issues?
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I can imagine...
Yeah. Yeah, I do. What about them now?
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[...]
But I lied about one thing. I said I didn't trust you. That was wrong.
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[Ah? That admission catches him off guard, eyes widening a little as his hair-petting stops just for a moment. But it's quick to pick right back up where it left off, Rean's expression settling into the barest hint of a smile.]
...I'm glad to hear that, Raina. Truly.
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[ She tries to steady her breathing a little, lifting her head to wipe her tears. ]
Sorry, I didn't want you to see me cry like this. That was really selfish of me. But anyway, I know better now. If I really, truly, didn't trust you, I wouldn't have spoken to you about any of my memories as "Inaba Himeko". I would have simply kept it all to myself.
[ This is the first time that she's actually said the full name of her past life and it somehow feels right. Even if she knows it isn't her name anymore. ]
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Nothing is easy when it comes to people, Raina. Holding them at arm's length or keeping them close. But... whether or not you understand, that's a struggle I'm willing to go through for you. And... I'm really glad to hear it does go both ways.
...I mean. I knew, or at least, I wanted to believe that. But it never hurts to hear it.
[He shakes his head a little about her crying.]
Hey, now. I'm not going to judge you over a couple tears. What are loved ones for if not picking you back up when you're down?
[...Oh, hey.]
"Himeko," huh? That was her first name?
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[ Although now she is absolutely pouting about a multitude of things, including the mention of that first name. It's made even more awkward as her cheeks flush a little, rubbing at the nape of her neck. ]
... And yeah. It's a pretty embarrassing name, though.
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[ She groans a little bit, running a hand through her hair. She definitely looks like a mess now, regardless of whether she wasn't one before. ]
It's because of the meaning.
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Nothing wrong with being a princess. You go by "Queen" on the network already.
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[...Rean...]
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All right, all right. I still don't understand why it's embarrassing, but whatever, it clearly bothers you...
[Girls are so weird.]
That's hardly the point, anyway. The point is I'm glad you trust me. ...Especially with something embarrassing, if you really think the name's that bad. [A joking little smile.] But I can keep it a secret, if you want, if you can keep your word.
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[ She says this so dryly and in a rather over the top matter that it's clearly not something to be taken entirely seriously.
When she speaks up again, it's with a bit of a wistful smile, something softer, kinder. ]
But don't worry. I wasn't planning to. I said it, didn't I? I don't want to be alone. I've always hated it.
1/2
[His smile widens, playful and even a bit cocky. A taste of your own medicine, Raina!]
Good. Then, I think with that settled, I'm out of things to lecture you about for the time being.
2/2
Oh, wait. No, actually. One last thing.
In the future, you're at least giving our parents a real address to find you at, okay? Even if it is in a sketchier part of town.
I'm not going to give you hell for living here. But not having anyone know where you are, if something were to happen... that's dangerous.
All right?
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